become me again

It’s funny…there were so many times that my ex used to say “where’s the girl I fell in love with? where’s that girl with the backbone? what happened to that girl that I used to know?”. The funny part is she was still there…he had just beaten her down to the point that neither he nor she recognized her anymore. A friend of mine that has known me since high school tells me that it’s as if there are two me’s. The one before I married him and the one that emerged after. She doesn’t recognize the one after, either. She tells me how she remembers the parties I used to take her to (I don’t remember them); how daring and popular I was (I don’t remember that much, either…bits and pieces come through now and then but all in all…); how I defended myself and never would cowtow to a man (that was ME?!). He has a way of making you think you’re crazy. That what you remember is not accurate. He can pinpoint right down to what the time was, what you both were wearing, where you were sitting, etc. and so, it makes you go, “gosh…he must be right and I must be wrong because he remembers much more clearly than I”. But you’re left with this nagging feeling of “something just isn’t right here”. Things I do remember from before…jumping in my car and going at the spur of the moment. Whether it was to drive in the night for fresh air or going to New Orleans with a friend to have fun being idiots all weekend. Or going to a club way out on the other side of Houston to dance all night long…by myself. I have a hard time just going to store alone now. What happened to me?! I am always consumed with fear and am prone to panic attacks. I was never that way before. I was strong and self confident. I was smart and always fun to be around. I was finding my own way and …. got lost. She’s still there. Deep inside. Every so often, she peeks out. But how do I fully bring her back? How do I cast aside the fears and believe in myself again? How do I take her hand and bring her back to the living? Show her that it’s ok to come back out again? That it’s safe.