be deliciously, and madly, and crazy, and fully happy with who I am (and share that with others)

I am a:

Woman, a child, a girl, a wife, a lover, a friend, a wild one, crazy, a fighter, a loner, a lover of/in love with – everything, a big tomboy, a stranger, a dancer, a artist, a daughter…

and now I am also a mother.

I have been having a harder time then most fitting into this new role. It is tight and loose at odd angles. It doesn’t fit like I thought it would. I always knew that one day I would be a mother… or hoped. And now the day has come. I am a mother of two wonders. Who decided this twin thing?? Who’s idea was this?? It wasn’t me… I think maybe someone wanted to REALLY teach me a lesson… or I just to had too much love in me that when we joined together instead of one there was two made.

But, of being truly deliciously, madly, crazy, and fully happy with who I am I need to embrace ALL of me. And I embrace the fact that I’m a little unsure on my feet as a mother, a little wobbly. I EMBRACE it. And I embrace the fact that I am a mother… even though it doesn’t fit, I’m still one.

It’s surprising how much my recent divorce has obliterated my self image. Even though I was the one who persued the separation, I can’t help but wonder sometimes if there’s something wrong with me. Who am I if I isolate myself from those who love me? I can accomplish anything, but what is accomplishment without interdependence?

Add to that the simple fact that I’ve selfishly and seriously injured (emotionally) the man that I love. How do I live with that?

On the flip side, though, since we’ve been apart, I’ve been much better at doing things that make me happy, and taking care of myself. Funny how I’m experiencing both ends of it simultaneously.

The other day me and a few of my sisters had to run some errands, first we went to a camera store (my older sister is studding photography as a major in college) I just LOVED it. All the smells and the creativity in the air was amazing! Well we ended our errands early and we were near a mall and I had some year-old gift cards, so we figured, why the heck not. We wondered aimlessly all over the place and got some pretty random junk, like a star that lights up when ever you talk, and small plastic tubes full of honey. We used up all the gift cards and only had about $3.50 left. When we were walking back to our car we passed a small stand that was selling waffles. The cheapest waffle was $3.50, so we decided to buy one and split it. The man be hide the stand was very cheerful and so nice. He made my day and possible my whole week, all he did was sell me a waffle and a bit, he had a really cool German ascent. I don’t even know his name and he most likely doesn’t even remember me, but he had a huge impact on me.I’ve never been an outgoing person but some day, I want to be just like Waffle man.

I adopted this goal from my older sis! :)

Crazy Straws!!! In a pack of 36! : ) Oh the joy. There is nothing I can do to make me feel more free, happy, and totally myself then drinking out of a crazy straw!

I have many. Anyone want one?

I can see myself getting better at this, loving myself more andm more as the days past by the littlest things I do, whether its a random smile to a stranger, a confident walk in a store, or just a happy thought. I’ll get there completely one day.

Love the wording of this goal, so much more exciting than ‘be happy with who I am’! And wording is important, this sounnds so enthusiastic, so delighted about being yourself – really makes being yourself seem more exciting, more enjoyable. I want to wake up being glad to be me, and hold on to that feeling throughout the day.

Then in the evening be whisked off to Paris by a wonderful man who politely confirms that yes, of course I’m wonderful.

I love myself, though there are a few things, like needing to excell at just one thing, before I can be so crazily in love with myself. But I’m getting there :)

Last night it rained and rained and rained. I grabbed my sister who was sitting by the door and ran out into it. It was about midnight and we jumped in the puddles laughing like 3-year-olds. My two younger sisters came out and joined the fun. The rain hit us hard and was cold and we danced and danced. We smelled wet trees and watched how the light from the windows hit the puddles. I when down on my hands and knees to find worms and snails. I found many. The first snail I found I named Sam. And the first worm I found I named Par. They were planing a party. We then sat on our porch laughing our butts off, eating mint chocolate chip ice cream right out of the carton with four spoons.

There was one point in the middle of a dance step that I said to myself… “I’m 25 and I’m doing this?” But then I erased that thought and danced like the ageless spirit I am!

and… I LOVE my sisters!

...but not for all of today, just a small part of it, but that part made up the difference, big time. It’s been a hard day. There where many stresses, and it just seemed to drag on… and then some, and add 10 minutes. Then I had a meeting after work, which grrr… just makes the day even longer. - But then something magic happened, something just, shifted… I was sitting there, and I realized, I’m sitting with women that I love and admire, I have a fantastic job that I love… (even if I say I don’t sometimes, even if I said it today), I was in a meeting talking about something that I am passionate about, which is teaching young children. And I have a great loving boyfriend… who I really miss today. (Yeah, I’m sappy… but I get to missing him if I haven’t seen him within a 24 hour period of time. Sap.) I also got to witness a breathtaking beautiful sunset on the way home. The weather has been real bummy these last couple of days, and today, yucky snow… so I was trying my best to make it home alive and I just happen to look up and see this sunset, and it made me gasp. The sun was just about to go down and you could just spy it below heavy dark clouds. It looked like a giant perfectly pink-orange peach, it’s juices spilling over the sky in a warm pink glow.

Beautiful thing to be alive today.