give up

all hope.
this is a good thing. if it isn’t gonna happen, why do i keep hoping it does? such wasted energy. give up already!

i have done this. and every little bit is good. if i can give up, then i live without a dream i can’t accomplish, i stop having expectations and hope for the future. without them, maybe i can enjoy each day again, as the gift it truly is.
“If you expect a dog to bite you, then your happy if all he does is poop on your shoes.” Bennie Lopez

“if you expect a dog to bite you, then you’re happy if all he does is poop on your shoes.”

too old.
i am having trouble walking.
i want to just give up, because i am old and damaged, and bitter these days, so bitter.

i will give up on jan. 1st, 2009. unless there is reason not to give up.

if i would give up, it would all go away.
why can’t i give up? i am a glutton for punishment. if i got kicked hard enough when i am down, maybe the giving up would come easier.
i am an ass.

but i don’t know why. i keep hoping for a different ending. why would he want to be with me anyway? nothing special about me. if i try to convince myself how ugly and unloveable i am, it will make it easier to let go and give up.

as much as you want to die, if you fell in water, you would try to stay afloat.
i wish i could just give up.

on so many levels, but not the one i need to give up….but at least it’s a start.
i am going through my stuff, weeding out, selling on eBay, trashing, donating.
i went thru my chat buddies, and deleted several, including one guy i liked alot. we had words, and i don’t feel too good about him now.
i have removed myself from an on line forum that i was a member.
i refuse to contact the man i love, and for the time being, will only respond to his emails. i love him, and he only thinks of me as his agent. soon i will return his works and tell him to have his wife do it. she doesn’t know about me, and we aren’t even intimate. what’s the problem? i’m always a secret, and i don’t understand why if there is nothing going on.
time for change, and times are a’changin’.

it’s a lonely feeling.

and i will in october. my new goal. give up at the end of october.