find closure with things in my past

things I need closure on:
*Not becoming mom
*Ryan vs. Drew
*Lauren Miller
*Lianna + Andrew

We all learn from our past, whether it be good or bad, we take some kind of guidance from what we do .. Sometimes the past can be hard to let go, (an old lover or a death) or it can be easy to let go, (an old lover whose an asshole or a mistake ), However, when the past comes back to remind you of it, then it can be hard to let go again …Take in point by recent battle …
Wheni was in HS (graduated 1994) i had dated/was in a relationship/engaged to a gentleman by the name of Matt .. we dated from 2nd semester 9th grade until 1 year after graduation ( a hella of a long time, I know) , but i dunno, we had our moments i guess, but when it ended … I t was Horrible, these “friends” (a term i call then loosely because i know longer speak to any of them) helped me realize i needed to “break the chains” and be on my own for awhile because he was too controlling ( and he was, but i guessed i loved him for that, anyways…) What was i 20 then, or 19, when we broke up so my Hs years/Teenage years were never any real fun because i was in arelationship and we never did any of the teen things, so I regret that part, but that’s apart of life right ?
So anyways, the day we Offically broke up, i stayed with these friends at a hotel for 2 or 3 nights so Matt wouldnt’ find me and he sat in my driveway waiting for me (aftera few hours, my mom called the cops on him, but that’s a whole other story)...Once he realized i was serious and was finally acting like an adult(?) we didnt’ speak for about 5 years … In those 5 years i parteied and relived all the things i never did wheni was in hs and it was Awesome (well, most of it) ..and in thoe 5 years Matt married the next girl he slpet with and they now have 2 going on 3 girls ….
Which brings us to the Present … 5 years later again, matt found a way to find me … now, at first i was kinda excited and suprised he would go through all the trouble to find me, but now i’m ….. confused. Back in Oct(05) we had our first “lunch date” in over 10years and it was fun, but it became a habit and we did lunch every week to almost everyday for a month … He took it as more than just lunch (Hey it’s a free meal and a girl’s gotta eat ya know…) and I became his shoulder to cry on and came to realize he’s still Lusting for me after all these years. As flattering as that was(is) we are 2 very different people and he wants us to be what we were in HS , apparetnly he never grew up. I ‘ve finally stopped returning his calls and emails and i feel like i led him on, but not on purpose … His last message to me was that he’s filed for divorce and hopes that i can give him another chance.
Ugh! i do care for him, i think, i mean i did wonder what happed to him all these years, However, I dont think i can find a way to have him in my life , nor do i want to …. I’m probably not telling the whole parts of the story here , but it’s on my mind and bothering me that he … wants to be with me again .. would divorce and leave his kids behind for me … that he’s obsessed with me ?? I dunno … Should i call him and apologize for leading him on, for not being honest in the beginnig ….Why does it bother me so much and Now why cant’ i let go of the past … I’m not attracted to him, however i’m drawn to think about him every now and again … Why can’t the past stay in the past … When the past comes back, do we like the outcome??, why is it we worry about it so much in the first place … sigh This explains one of the 1000 reasons i can neer sleep any more …