Excuses. I love them and loving creating them. It’s so easy to say I can’t do that or not this week because of this. ughh! I am tried of being this way. I created a cocoon and I’m terrified of leaving it. I’m afraid if I take off my armor than nothing will protect me. I have this delusion that before I can have success may it be in college or general life I need to be skinny. I don’t allow myself to be happy and I’m sick of all the self destruction I do. Lately the small somewhat weak voice in my head has been telling me that I can have happiness. Slowly I have been coming to the idea that I can be happy with or without losing the weight but I am choosing to finally do it. No more self doubt, no more self destruction, and no more self hate. I am slowly getting to a place where I am comfortable with myself and who I am. Self respect is something that over the past year I realized I possessed. Small as it may be it’s a lot more than I believed I had. Something is more than nothing. You can’t create something from nothing, and I am not nothing I am my own hope.

Losing the weight will be the hardest thing I will ever do simply because I have been been struggling with it since I was five years old. Even before I was a bit chubby I had this strange habit of hiding my food as a toddler, saving it for later. I still never can understand this and it baffled my mother. I struggling with losing the weight ever since I can remember, most of my childhood consisted of me attempting diets in secret or some workout plan. I finally have all the resources a girl can need.

Due to college and all the lovely things that come with it, I have gained some more weight. All the late night dinners, the buffet of the dining hall and the stress it brings. My weight has ballooned. I currently weight 249 as of today. For my height it’s not extremely unhealthy but it’s still very unhealthy. I am going to get healthy and skinny for me, myself, and I. No one else. The beautiful dream of myself I want her and I deserve her. I will be the version of myself that I always dreamed of.

Current weight: 250

Dream weight: 1993 months ago

Couldn’t weigh myself past 2 Sundays but finally got on a scale today (Nov 4, 2012) and I’m still below 200lbs.

I said I’d only mark this as “done” when I got 3 Sundays in a row and I figure that three Sundays-when-I-was-able-to-weigh-myself in a row counted as good enough.

Goodbye, 200s! Hello, sweet & healthy 100s!

YAY! 6 months ago

If I can keep up the trend one more Sunday, I’ll be able to check this goal off as Completed. Wow. That would be exciting! 7 months ago

Weighed in at 201, this morning. 8 months ago

is still an issue. Especially sweets. Caramels, chocolate, ice cream… 9 months ago

I joined a super-expensive, exclusive club’s swim section for the month of August. It costs a heap but if I can go swimming at least 15 times in the month, I can justify the cost.

So far, I’ve gone swimming 4 times in August. Today, I swam 100 lengths, which is 2.5km. I used paddles on my hands and only swim with my arms, not my legs. My legs have always been strong but my upper body has always been relatively weak, so I love the fact that this is going to strengthen not only my cardiovascular health but also my upper body. Yay! 9 months ago

From a year ago, I haven’t lost too much weight. HOWEVER, I’ve put on almost 10lbs of muscle mass so that was pretty exciting. Strong, healthy body is great. Need to drop some more fat, now. 9 months ago

Yay. 9 months ago

Down by 2lbs this week. If I can keep up my hard work at the gym and disciplined eating at home, I should be able to mark this as “done” by the end of August (remember: for this goal, I have to weigh-in at under 200 lbs for 3 weeks in a row before I can cross it off my list!) 10 months ago

but, health increases, too. I feel like I’m getting in better and better shape. My cardio is improving and I’m getting stronger. Clearly, I need to continue with my fitness improvements but also rein in the eating. 10 months ago

204lbs. 10 months ago

It’s with a heavy heart that I reinstate this goal. I had it marked off as “completed” but I allowed my weight to sneak up again. I was as low as 188 in the autumn but now am almost 20lbs above that. sigh

It would be easy to get depressed about this but that wouldn’t help. When I become low, I tend to eat more and move less. So, I will try to maintain my good humor and simply start this goal again.

To quote Samuel Beckett, “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.”

Or, to quote a common saying, “Fall down 7 times, get up 8!” 11 months ago