List 50 things I wish I could tell my father

It was like I was a small child asleep in bed with their parents… only we were grown. I was between you and Ma. You made reference to having pleasant dreams or sleeping peacefully because of the energy of my presence. Mom said nothing. It was like I was a bridge between the 2 of you. I pray that she tunes into the peace and solace that is available to all~

43) It certainly does pay to think before speaking.

44) It also pays to take care of your health. It’s one of the best things you can do for yourself and the quality of your future.

45) Making plans is very important. Thank you for talking to me about 5, 10, and 20 year goals.

46) Thank you for talking to me about being prepared for the unexpected, and having the resources to handle such situations.

47) Thank you for talking to me even when I didn’t know that you were giving me some of the best advice I’d hear. Thankfully, you weren’t the last one to say these things to me. So I’m constantly being reminded of some things that are worth remembering- and repeating.

48) Forty-eight, this is significant, because it was the number of years you spent here. I knew you for 28 of them. I am grateful for having known you, having the gift of sweet memories, and being the product of a wonderful and loving man and woman.

49) I remember the shock of seeing you in the hospital the last time you were still breathing. I saw you having difficulty breathing, you looked different…helpless, and I was beside myself. I was immediately ushered out of the room because no one wanted you to see (or hear) me so upset. They believed it would make it even more difficult for you as you were in a transition stage- between here and Being in a place where you no longer need to carry human flesh.

50) I love you, I always have and I always will.

37) The company I keep is just as important as the thoughts I believe. Whoever/ whatever they are, will influence the decisions I make, or not.

38) I remember how hard you used to laugh watching Jim Carrey on “In Living Color” many moons ago. I think it may have been the hardest I ever saw you laugh. He’s made many movies since then…I think his sense of humor has changed some.

39) Crab legs, shrimp and Lobster were always an extra special tasty treat. Side dishes were o.k. but not necessary. I still love them all.

40) Mom still makes her famous banana pudding, it’s always a requested dessert at family get-togethers.

41) I remember the one and only time you made shrimp egg foo young, it was soooo…. good. I think I’ll give it a try this month ;p

42) I still have the exercise bike you gave me. I think it’s time for a new seat though. I need to use it too, I had more than my share of desserts and sweet treats during the holidays, and missed classes as Bally. It may be time to invest in an elliptical machine, I kinda like standing while exercising, then I won’t have to worry about the seat!

34) I understand why you removed yourself from situations when family members wanted to be argumentative or tried to make you do things their way.

35) Even though I didn’t like it, I understand why you shook your head in silence and did not respond when something off the wall was said, and likely restated when you choose not to respond. There are times when silence is golden.

36) I enjoyed finding and sharing your Cherry Cordial ice cream when you buried it under boxes and bags at the bottom of the deep freezer in the basement ;)

27) I planted 3 tulip bulbs at your grave. One for each of your children. They come up each spring and one of us always sees them in bloom. Bursting their vibrant two-toned yellow base with red rims.

28) When I’m in a serious mood, Mom as well as others says that I’m acting like you.

29) I remember when you used to draw designs on walls and paint them. I have used several faux painting finishes throughout the house. It takes more time, but it’s beautiful to see. I learned to have patience for longer painting projects from you.

30) When Phil and I were small, we’d always check out our Christmas gifts that were hidden in the botton of your closet. After several years of getting what we asked for- and a whole lot more, I ceased from worrying about not having my wants met. (I also learned it isn’t right to snoop around in people’s things)

31) I remember when the door handle of my first car broke and you climbed onto the top, then crawled in through the moonroof window and opened the door from the inside. I took a picture of that (and it’s still funny). I know you were slightly embarrassed by what the neighbors thought. Thanks for helping me out anyway.

32) We still go to Armando’s in Mexicantown for chicken burritos. No one makes better authentic Mexican food.

33) You always said I should have short and long range goals, so I’d know where I was going and what I was working for. I had gotten away from that for a while, but I found this really cool website where I log my progress and get Cheers from others (all over the world). They inspire me to create goals I never would have even dreamed of.

14) I remember when you invented a language we used at home (Op talk) Phil still uses it when we’re around family and he doesn’t want them to know what he’s talking about. His wife usually rolls her eyes (smile) and everyone else stops briefly, then ignores him.

15) I found the game called Gnip Gnop in Target this year. You bought the same game when we were kids. Everybody came over for dinner on Christmas Day. It was amazing to see a $10 game hold everyone’s attention. There was much laughter, challenge, excitement and noise. It was fun… although my hands hurt the next day from hitting balls back to my opponent’s side of the case. ( I creamed everyone- except Phil. They all said we had been practicing- years ago)

16) When you first talked to me about being a life-long learner, I thought it was a bit much. You said that as long as I am alive, I should be learning something new. You were right and it’s a lot of fun. You wouldn’t believe where we’ve gone with technology.

17) I still have your Captains badge from the Fire Department. I also have a small brown zippered pouch with pictures of you, Grandma, and some of your cousins. It also contains coins from when you fought in Vietnam…and the letter Grandma wrote which explained everything she left to you, when she never came home from her surgery.

18) The Fire Department built a new wing on the Training Academy, they named it after you. After Mom or Phil gives them a body shot, they plan on creating a bust of you to put on display in the new wing.

19) When you spent hours writing at home, none of us knew you were writing manuals for Hazardous Materials and other related topics the department would still be referring to years later.

20) The Fire Department established a scholarship fund in your memory. We all know how important education was to you.

21) Friday, one of my students chose to write about a topic that was different from the one I wrote (as a choice) on the board. She wrote a story about how I am the nicest teacher she’s ever had, how pretty she thinks I am and how much she loves it when I share some of my favorite books (and poems) with the class. I wasn’t expecting it and it was a very pleasant surprise. I felt my heart strings being tugged on.

22) Whenever people that you worked with see us, they tell us how great you were (to this day!) and how much you talked about and loved us. I wish you had said it more to us. I wish we had said it more to you.

23) We didn’t go on vacation much, because you were always saving money. I’ve learned to balance my saving and spending and have been to more than a few great places with the kids.

24) When you said you’d only marry once, I think Mom made the same agreement. She won’t even talk to a man that makes advances toward her… though I don’t think it would hurt her to have more balance in her life.

25) I still play the Temptations Christmas Card during the holidays. I grew up listening to it, and its familiarity brings back memories of decorating with the fireplace lit, back to life. My kids know and sing the songs ;)

26) Thank you for stopping me from blaming others for my choices long ago. It doesn’t matter what anyone says, I am responsible for my actions. If I could only get my students to internalize the concept ;) ...

1) About two months after you passed on I got married. He helped me when I was missing you in the beginning. However he had to go (and you warned me), because I eventually felt as though I was living in a torture chamber.

2) We had a daughter and she has a sharp, long memory- like you did.

3) After the divorce, I donated my wedding dress and other wedding paraphanalia to the American Cancer Society Resale Shop, in memory of you.

4) My doctor sent me to get a colonoscopy and after being ‘afraid’ for two years, I finally went. I was asleep and didn’t feel a thing. Phil picked me up. I think he wanted to see if I was O.K. the doctors want us both to stay on top of our health because you died at 48. They believe colon cancer may run in the family.

5) I made the most of the $17,000 you left me. I made the down payment on ‘our’ house, paid for a vacation, and spent several months off after having Kayla. The money came in handy to pay my personal bills.

6) A couple of years ago, I sold that house (made a nice profit) and now live outside the city. I have a home I love and am always doing something new, to make it feel like my castle.

7) I remember watching you fix things around the house and am able to make minor repairs on toilets, hook up electronic equipment, hang pictures, and I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty.

8) I take care of my business and whether I’m in a relationship or not, I have everything I need and a lot of what I want.

9) I went on to get my Master’s Degree in teaching.

10) You were right about telling me to choose the car I really wanted first (a Pontiac Firebird – Trans Am) Because I now have a mini-van. You said I might end up with a station wagon, when I had a family. The Secretary of State lists my mini-van as a station wagon on the registration certificate.

11) I think Ma still misses you. Remember how she used to try to get you to move, well you’ve been gone for almost 10 years and she and Stephanie are still on Stahelin. Somehow I think the thought of going somewhere that you weren’t brings a physical finality to your absence. Although she’s made reference to feeling your presence in the house… she’s afraid of being visited by a ghost.

12) When I really miss you, I usually come across a picture and remember the good times, when you were here.

13) When I dream about you I am comforted and gain clarity on whatever I’m in the middle of. Thanks for being a part of my dreams…

As a kind of remembrance or memorial, and also as a way to reflect on the changes that I’ve experienced – either personally or in the world – this goal has been helpful in these ways.

So, it’s recommended.

41. I have learned from you the power of the strong, positive example. Someone in any social situation who is fair, honest, and hard working can change the entire organization for the better, simply by example.

42. And, naturally enough, I learned this from you by example.

43. And this was the power you had over everyone in the family.

44. I was there when you died. I know you were sleeping, so you, naturally, didn’t realize it, but I did, in fact, see your last breath.

45. I don’t miss you any less now than I did right after you died. And I don’t expect this to ever change.

46. But, having said that, somehow I am able to be mostly happy most of the time.

47. And, strangely, missing you and being happy are not contradictory. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why not, but there you go.

48. In fact, I think I would be unhappy if I didn’t miss you. Missing you makes me happy (the more I think about this, the less sense it makes).

49. Or maybe it’s that every time I realize that I still miss you, it makes me happy.

50. All your children are doing fine. Yeah, they grumble a lot. But really, they’re all doing fine.

31. So far, my eyesight is still 20-20. Even after 27 years of computer use.

32. But, just like you, my near vision is starting to go.

33. Mom and I do the ridge hike together every year. And every time we do it, we pass by the spot where we scattered your ashes.

34. Okay, actually, we missed a few years. Sorry about that.

35. There’s this totally awesome golfer that I’m positive you would have loved watching. His name is Tiger Woods.

36. Cathy still makes fruitcakes the way Nana did, all those years ago. And they are fantastic. Sometimes I eat fruitcake for breakfast when I’ve run out of cereal.

37. I’m too passionate at work. In business, I’ve found out, they want reliability and predictability, not passion. Uncle Bob said that I probably inherited this from you.

38. I’m glad that I inherited this from you!

39. Those times when you scolded me – for stealing the matches, for poor grades, for lack of self respect – I will never forget.

40. Thank you for letting me borrow the 280Z when I was in high school. It helped my social life like you wouldn’t believe.