How to invite someone dangerous to tea
How I did it: first: meet a cute stranger with oversized horn-rimmed glasses at your house's halloween party. he will say he is a cowboy because he is wearing flannel. trust him? let him woo you with hardhitting compliments, as balloons bob around at your back and you wait for your lackluster date to arrive who never finds your jokes funny, or you for that matter.
let the stranger fawn all over your clever costume and agree to sit outside with him on the smoking stoop in front of your house before the cab draws near and your man in striped sweats saunters over and steps hastily inside: a supposed gangster. he looks as if he's been punched in the stomach, all night: grumpy and nonplussed.
then: message the cowboy a week later on facebook with lingo you imagine he'd fancy: make references about abacuses and buttons. invite him over for tea.
he arrives that night, for tea, with whiskey, then for dinner. at the stove, you'll make toddies and spoon the cinnamon laden liquor into giant mugs for your housemates, brewing in the living room. he leads the charge, talks about gardening, aims to please with panache applied too thick. to you, later, he comes on suffocatingly strong, though he had little whiskey. the glasses, too, were fake.
find faith for the moment in your lackluster gangster. feel renewed until the turkey drops...
Lessons & tips: - have tea and water, and maybe some biscuits
- be fearless, embrace the lulls, sip it all in...slowly
- assure your housemates when you mention this goal to them at the dinner table, you mean dangerous in the larger sense of the word. america's most wanted folks need not apply.
Resources: - a healthy dose of deerhunter melts away any doubt and anxiety!
