be more self-aware

I now can’t believe that I had this on my list, because I am extremely self-aware now. I recognize my own strengths and weaknesses, and am working on furthering my progress toward becoming the type of person I’ve always wanted to be.

I’ve been thinking about whether I allow feelings of pleasure to override my intuition. At the moment I seem to connect this problem with spending money on nice things for myself. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed by the desire to have more glamour and beauty in my life.

Due to where I’m located I’ve become much more of a window shopper lately. Temptation is there. I see something I like and I want to buy it rather than having the desire before I see the object.

On the other hand, the things I buy for myself are not really what I would consider frivolous. And I’ve gone through long periods over the last few years of never buying myself anything. I go through these puritan phases. I am almost embarrassed to say that I like clothes. Half of me judges the other half for being shallow.

My issues with this are bound up in the whole self-denial thing. I’m very good at self-denial. I somehow think that if I allowed myself free rein to buy whatever I wanted I would just go crazy and it would be like in ‘The Red Shoes’. As it is, I covet things.

The amount of money things cost has very little to do with the issue. I rarely buy anything expensive. I think it is the act of buying I have a problem with.

This takes time. And I’ve been neglecting my self-awareness sessions over the last few months; life has been so busy what with relocating back to England and everything. But this week I’ve managed to get onto 43things again, which is one of my self-awareness tools, helping me to define what it is I want from life and making sure I’m taking positive action to fulfill my dreams. I see this as symbolic of me getting back on track!

This is a goal I’ve been working on for quite some time now, even though I’ve only just added it to the list. In fact, I dicovered 43things through one of my self-awareness sessions! My initial inspiration for this was partially this site: http://www.selfcreation.com/awareness/index.htm

I found it a few years ago at a time when things were quite difficult for me, and the whole idea of asking yourself questions in order to know yourself better appealed to me, especially since it involves writing, which is one of my ‘things’. Essentially, what I do is I start off asking myself a question (I started with the questions suggested on the site) and then I just spill out an answer, writing everything I honestly feel about it and not censoring myself. I keep going until I have nothing left to write in answer to that question. This inevitably leads to more questions. It’s an ongoing process.

I take the time once a month to do this exercise and it’s helped me find out things about myself which I was unaware of or had buried. I’ve discovered a lot of the sources of my fears and have thus been able to confront the issues and start working through them.

I’ve been focused inward for the last few years now – almost to the point of obsession. Not a bad thing, and the transformation is quite the trip!

Most of my interests surround understanding the human condition – how the goop between my ears works. So, lots of reading on theology, psychology, sociology and alike – anything that provides insight is exciting.

I’m also working on balancing introspection with being in the moment. This one is a little tougher for me – it requires being mindfully mindless so to speak (turning off my mellon isn’t something I do well) – but even that is improving greatly through meditation, yoga, skiing, snowboarding, running, cycling, kayaking, camping… anything active and peaceful that demands my full attention.

My intent here is to put down some of my fundamental understandings in hopes of sparking discussion with other kindred souls – I figure my next entry will likely be my experience with understanding and acceptance – a nice place to start.

Tashi deley,

Episteme

ok, so i tend to have things i want to do, and then things that i do.

there’s blocks, deeply felt ‘ick’ feelings that push me to go off of the path to where i want to be. i think of it as bad behavior patterns, something like that.

i think bringing awareness and sitting with the ick is actually the way through them. ignoring or putting off doesn’t help.

i’ve learned that forcing myself to do the activity, white-knuckling through, is not a fruitful way to go about things.

but, forcing myself, and using the awareness of the feeling ON the feeling generated by forcing myself, might make it easier and easier rather than harder and harder?

i’ve also at times just tried to not work towards the goal – for sure, that doesn’t work!