be content with myself

Trying to get rid of the negative stream of chatter and criticism that constantly seems to play in my head.

Yes. I’m working on that.

I’m trying to become a slug. I’m choosing to spend this sunny gorgeous day with all of the windows open doing things around the house. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to walk and run and play. I want to be warm and enjoy how nice my house smells with the fresh air.

mm mm mmm. I love warm days.

1) Family
2) Running
3) Music (guitar, jazz, sax, uke, listening to music—anything music)
4) Learning
5) Quotes
6) Latin
7) Knowing what I want and going for it

Men like me again! I like me again! Somehow, the cosmos have shifted and things are better.

I’m working on this. It’s hard though…I feel really flawed sometimes. I look at myself as kind of odd looking, and I feel like people don’t want me around, though that’s not exactly the case. I don’t know. I think since the boo and i broke up in the spring i’ve been hunting for the thing that’s so wrong with me that he didn’t move here. Which i realize is nuts. However, my knowing it’s nuts doesn’t mean I’m not still prowling around my life looking for the fatal flaw, the thing that’s so bad. The irony is that I’m not a bad person at all, so I’m chasing ghosts. I guess this is one of this “time heals all wounds” scenarios. Lame lame lame.

I automatically make myself try and be something, I can’t help it and I don’t know how to stop. I just wish I could accept myself for what I am and stop trying to be something particular. It’s like I’m trying to define myself to be sure of who I am, and my mind tries to make me be something. I just want to be content!

there are so many things i’d like to fix about me. of course since i live in los angeles, losing weight is usually the center of my attention. i don’t think there’s ever been a day when i didn’t think about my weight. ever.

i’m for trying to improve myself. be nicer; more open with people, more honest with myself – hey i should add those to this list. i just don’t think trying to lose weight so i can fit into some skinny jeans i bought ten years ago should really be one of those goals – and yet here i am, tired as all hell but getting read to go work out.

there isn’t any sort of map that will show you how to be content with yourself. you just have to find your way. i suppose this weight thing is a first start. then, i’ll move on to …who knows what. i’m sure i’ll find something to change about me by next week.

i realize this sounds like a dumb girl… but i feel so good recently that i am fine, nay happy! showing off my body again, which i wasn’t ok with for awhile. so yeah. thats good.

there are some things about me i don’t like…i would wish to change myself a bit, but i can’t…