stay alive

Everyone loves an impossible goal!

I wrote something in here and then deleted it because I was afraid to let people know how I am feeling today (if anyone were to stumble across me and read this that is). I got embarrassed and maybe a little ashamed of feeling the way I do again. I’m having such a hard time with life lately. I can’t seem to pick myself up adn stay up. I try but it seems like when I start to get some momentum something comes along and kicks me in the gut again. It all makes me really tired. Anyway, this is what I wrote:

I’m having a hard time today. I’ve been going crazy for the past day because of my ex. I was really worried about her. I just heard from her and now I want to die….again. Can’t tell you how good it was to hear her voice and to know that she is going to be okay but it cuts and kills just the same. It pushes me back to hating myself and horrible and empty my non-life. I start writing I wish I had the guts to kill myself….again.

I hate love.

Been doing okay lately I guess. I suppose there will always be a certain amount of saddness with me in my life but I’m back from the ledge and trying to look forward again. At the very least, not backwards.

So far I wake up, get pissed my heart didn’t stop liked I asked for then put both feet on the ground and then it’s one in front of the other. So far the bullet or bus haven’t found me either so it’s one foot in front of the other. WTF. Damn this place.

I really don’t want to. Evey night I hope I die in my sleep and every moring I asked to get hit by a stray bullet. It’s a tought thing to live in silence. I feel like I get farther and farther away from the world. Not that it wants me anyway but still it’s difficult.

When in Doubt , remember you gut . .;, That place is “built in”and should be consoled.! Go Cleveland Go!

ah ah ah ah stayin’ alive-ay-ah-ah-oooh

im so scared to die. sometimes i want to be skinny so i take pills and laxatives and smoke and throw up…all the time im worried that this will be the last time but I can’t help it. I want to be thin so bad.

im giving up cuz i got shot

as it looks: everyone fails. Whenever I jaywalk I look both ways and then, as I take those first few steps I think: But you never SEE it coming.