stop worrying so much about finding love

My boyfriend and I broke up two days ago, and I had a feeling it was coming. We had tried a long distance relationship and we both knew it wasn’t working. But now, even though I knew our relationship was over, I still wish I was with him. I am afraid of being alone I guess, and worried that he will find someone else. I just want to be happy with me, happy with my life. Why do I feel the need to get back with him or find someone else asap?

I just don’t care anymore.

I used to be SO incredibly concerned with dating ect. until one day, i just didn’t care anymore. Instead of focusing on romance and dating i focused on my friends and enjoying every minute with them. After i did this i relaxed more and became more comfortable with myself, i didn’t need dating anymore. this gave me a whole new outlook on things and made me completely happy and independent. this independence attracted my current boyfriend to me (who just couldn’t resist my charms ;) ) and i couldn’t be happier. i found love as soon as i stopped worrying about it.

summary: you can’t be happy WITH someone until you’re happy BY YOURSELF

I can give advice of loving yourself and when you stop looking your will find love but everytime I get rejected I go through the same thing I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I am single, or because the last boyfriend I had was 6 years ago, or some guy didn’t want to date me for longer than two weeks.
There are so many things that I have going for me. I am smart, educated, driven, successful, warm, caring, thoughtful, loving. Everything I touch turns to gold but in the love department I feel like a failure. I wish I could get these thoughts out of my head because they are sabotaging my life. What I really want more than anything is to find someone to love and who will love me unconditionally. I think that I need it because I know that this person’s love will make me stronger and that mine will make him stronger. And because I am a good person I know that this will come for me, but I just want to stop waiting for it. If only I could just focus more on the good in my life and not on love.

It doesn’t fill the void
It doesn’t dull the ache
It doesn’t smoothen these edges
It doesn’t calm these shakes

It doesn’t mend past hurts
It doesn’t make me forget
It doesn’t clear the cobwebs
I have stringing round my head

It doesn’t help me breathe
When my chest feels a bit too tight
It doesn’t help me sleep
When I lie awake at night

It doesn’t warm my heart
When I’m sure I’d rather bleed
I think I worry less about love now
But it doesn’t make me feel any less lonely.

but it doesn’t make me feel less lonely.

I was a bit overwhelmed. Discovered I have quite a lot on my plate and I am yet to figure out how to sort them out. I know I’ll get to them in good time. My deadlines are not that crazy. I’ll live through this.

I was driving home from class and this is usually the time when I feel the need to connect. When I feel like I just need to talk to someone, anyone. But I can’t.. coz I don’t know who to call. And that was the saddest thought that accompanied me on my drive home.

It’s not that I don’t have good friends. I have a few, but that’s not what I mean. And I get quite frustrated when they often jump into the whole conversation and whine about their day, when I just want to be heard. When I fuss about one thing, and they go like.. “Yeah, that sucks.. but guess what happened to me today..”. Sigh..

I used to have a mate who was quite good at this. He has perfected the art of listening to me, without cutting in and all that. And we normally have nice chats and get a kick out of taking a swipe at each other, now and then. Harmless fun, really. But it’s never just that right, when a man and woman get comfy with each other. There’s always other stuff, often unmentioned, but always there tempting us to push boundaries that often lead to disappointment and heartaches (often at my expense, I think).

So yeah, I missed him tonight. So much so that I had to grip the steering wheel so tight to prevent from reaching out for my mobile and dialing his number. Not even my fave songs on radio could cheer me up tonight, not even Fall out Boy..tho I still love them to bits.

I’m doing much better now, I think. I’ve stopped sizing up every guy I know, thinking if they have “IT”. I’ve given up silly school-girl crushes, at least for now. I think I’m better at less worrying, but it doesn’t make me feel any less lonely.

oh good this is happening all by itself

It’s X’Mas eve and I’m home. I just finished watching a 3-hr marathon of One Tree Hill and yes, I cried shamelessly for Lucas and Brooke.

It’s funny how you can still feel love even if you’re all by yourself. I thought love died when my last relationship ended. I thought I’d give up on it entirely, or make myself immune to love, affection or even silly crushes.

But I guess that’s not possible. Coz I’ve finally understood what it means to love myself, or to celebrate love within.

Of course I still long for companionship. I still wish for someone to talk to after a hard day at work. I still dream about sharing the best years of my life with someone. But I realize now that it will happen when God wills it. I just need to be more patient. Good things (person?) come to those who wait ;)

So yes, I do feel good about myself tonight. My circumstances haven’t changed, but I’ve decided to improve my whole outlook where my life is concerned.

Here’s looking ahead for 2006.. whatever it may bring.

..with the other goal I crossed out.. I adopted this goal from Wicky’s page. I find that this is more accurate than the previous one, coz this is something I can do, within my ability and resolve.

I am yet to figure out how exactly to do this. But I feel I am off to a good start. I also think it supports my other goal, which is to live life with clarity and empowered velocity. The key word here is “empowered”, and I am now consciously empowering myself to find contentment without seeking for another’s affection/approval.