beat anorexia

I am currently suffering with an eating disorder and what to know how to bet it as I’m really scaring my fiancee and myself

Anorexia is my way of subcounsciously avoiding the many obstacles of life, its my easy escape. I have been a recovery anorexic for 2 years now. My definition of recovery is maintaining a “normal” healthy weight for more than a certain amount of time. Im in college now, life is stressful, but i fight everyday to resist from relapsing! One day, i will be able to eat and not think about where it went, or how to burn of the calories, or was that too much. One day I will be normal. However, i realize that this is a life long battle and i will have good days and bad days, but hopefully more good days

so i had been contemplating checking this goal off my list recently…but then one night it kinda came back to me, reminding me that maybe it’s never going to be completely checked off the list. and maybe that’s ok—cause as long as it’s there, it’s reminding me constantly how lucky i am to be alive, how wonderful living without that constant fear and voice in my head is, and how much more there is to life than that…so i’m ok with still having it on this list.

I don’t think this will ever be beaten completley as it will always be there at the back of my mind, but now I’m pregnant and I have to eat healthy and I know I will for my unborn baby <3 so I'm 'completing' this goal!

I have a feeling that I’m not ‘fully’ anorexic like I used to be, this is just a relapse. I know that sounds so stupid and everything but I know I don’t want to live like this at all I know that this is not what I want. I lost all that weight because me and my boyfriend split up and all I had to turn to was weight loss. That was all I had to help me get through everything. I don’t like how thin I have become, a couple of years ago I would love my body but it hurts. Lying in bed on my side hurts because my knees rub together, sitting down hurts because it makes my bum numb, leaning on things hurts because it rubs against my spine. All my clothes are hanging off me making me feel ugly and skinny.

This is not what I want at all and I know full well it isn’t. This is just a relapse alot of people have them and I know I can get through this. I have people to support me… I just hope that this motivation sticks with me and I do it.

I’m ‘officialy’ underweight again. I scare myself. I don’t want to be like this I really don’t. I don’t like how my ribs are on show or how my chest bones stick out. It’s disgusting yet I still crave it. :( I hate myself sometimes.

it’s very hard to do the above when your boyfriend of a year and 1/2 breaks up with you unexpectandly (I can’t spell that word and I really can not be bothered to look it up.)

sigh

I promise this to myself.