have a funeral for my relationship with my ex

I saw the entry about the funeral for a relationship and I called all my girlfriends to come over. When they got here I gathered all my old pictures and memories and put them in a show box! Then I read a breakup letter that I had written two months ago and never gave him…We decorated the box and lit candles and after I went through all the pictures for the last time, I put them in the box and blew out the candles. Then we all went out to a bar and got filthy drunk!

So we had it. I had 2 old highschool friends in attendance (mef and hillary).

Mef read a very sweet eulogy, reminding me of some obscure sweet memories I had completely forgotten. (She had gathered them from my journal archives). We used a big tin can. I kind of panicked about the 4 years worth of photos and letters. Hillary told me she always thought you should keep your love letters… Since I didn’t want to read through them to pick out which ones I wanted, I ended up chucking them all into the fire. The photos were even harder. So many cute photos of us.. PILES and PILES. Four years worth. I ended up chucking them all in too.

Felt surreal. Burning everything. Now I can’t look back.

Felt hokey with my two sweet friends. We all live in different corners of the country and it felt comforting and young to have them back in our home town.. and them holding my hand. Like little girls holding seances to reach the dead. Hokey in a sweet innocent way.

Hillary and I had decorated sugar cookies the night before, and one of the cookies decorated looked like an asian male. So she brought the cookie to represent Doug. Made me giggle madly. “You can either burn him or we can all eat him.” Haha.

We ate him.

I believe we’re having it tomorrow.

Mef read my private online journal I’ve kept for the past 5 years so she could have material to work with; she’s writing the eulogy. I can’t believe we’re having a eulogy. She said she got really depressed as she was writing it. Makes me thankful I’m not writing it.

She keeps telling me this can’t be a negative thing. I guess that makes sense. When a horrible person dies, no one talks shit about him at his funeral; so there will not be any shit talking at the funeral. Her logic is that it was four years of my life, and 4 years of a 22 year old is a long time. I need to honor it. She says.

I have a bag of letters and photos to cremate. On my drive home from Austin to Houston last night, I accidentally found another letter from him stuck inbetween my middle console and car driver seat. It’s a year old and of all letters it could have been, it’s the letter about Las Vegas. How he just came up with the perfect birthday/anniversary gift to me and how excited he was to take me blah blah blah. He was very determined. So determined infact that even though he broke up with me right before my birthday and our anniversary, he still went. Just with the other girl.

Another letter to burn.

In Houston I have some more stuff in storage I’m debating on cremating. I just pulled out the trashbag full of stuffed animals he’s given me. I have such tender feelings towards most of them that it kind of cracked my heart a little bit at the thought of burning them… or letting them go.

I also found a lil book he made me 3 years ago. 130 reasons why he loved me. It helped rereading it last night before bed, because I realized all the things he loved about me, are for the most part still true…and if he found himself loving me for them, someone else will find himself loving me for them too. in time.

i am desperate.

my best friend in boston is flying to Houston for a couple of days. she’s going to write a ceremony for me and then we’ll have a burning cremation of the relationship artifacts.

including… some stuffed animals. Eek. I will donate most of them.