find meaning

I think it’s safe to mark this goal as ‘done’. I just realised that I’ve never been this happy before. I never thought I could feel happiness, the real kind, but here I am. Right now, life couldn’t be any better, and as for meanings… My life doesn’t need any, it’s enough to be alive and live. :)

Well, that is sort of an unnecessary question, the answer can be found in everyday life: it’s the meaningfulness of the things we’re doing that makes us do them. Not always, not everything we do is meaningful, but nobody can keep up doing meaningless things for long. There has to be a reason behind everything we do, and the meaning, the force that gets us moving, helps us understand and perceive the world we’re living in easier.

I think it’s rather natural for a human being to search for a meaning for his/her existence. It’d be so easy to think we all have a predetermined ‘reason’ to be alive, to inhabit this world, and figuring out that ‘reason’ would be a one-way ticket to a blissful life, free of worries and distress. It doesn’t really go like that, though, does it? When setting out on a quest to ‘find meaning’, we’re faced with such questions as “when do we know were there?”, “who decides what is enough?” and “how do I know this is a real meaning for me?”. Quite frankly, I don’t think there are answers to such questions. Surely everyone can answer for themselves, but how credible can individual answers be in the end? It takes a lot of courage and self-knowledge to trust oneself in such situations and not go seek for guidance and reassurance from others. In cases like these, the other person’s truth isn’t any more ‘accurate’ than your own – even if you agreed, it doesn’t make your perception any more right than someone else’s.

I don’t think I need a bigger ‘meaning’ in life than to just be alive and live each day enjoying, perceiving, observing, feeling and occasionally writing my thoughts down. I’m an observer of the world at heart, though I also actively participate in life and affect the world around me with my actions. And I am grateful to be alive, still.

I picked up this goal when I was in a bit of a mess, uncertain about myself and my choices, afraid of the future and the next morning. Now I feel more balanced and I trust I’ll be able to change things, my life actually, for the better. These feelings happen in cycles, I’ve noticed, it’s like I’m always on an emotional roller-coaster, going up and down and up and down.

Still, I want my living to have a meaning, something I can look at and say “this is (one of the things) I live for” and feel good about it. However, I don’t want it to be my job or my studies, I’ve been down that road once (for about 6 or 7 years), I know what it’s like and I don’t want to go back to that. Education and a steady job are important parts of life, I don’t deny that, it’s just that if your whole life starts revolving around those two, it becomes a rather dull life, a constrained one.

What could it be then? What kind of things could become the reasons I live for, me, who’s so prone to dismiss any reason that comes from the outside? It’s not a weakness to live for something else than yourself but I somehow find it hard for me to do so, it feels much like a secondary thing, something that isn’t worth to be the reason for someone’s living. Besides, if you can find the reasons within yourself, you don’t need to be dependant on anything or anyone, and to me, that’s freedom at its best.

So perhaps that’s what I need to do, find the strength within myself, survive no matter how huge a storm there’s raging outside (figuratively speaking), become independent and find that freedom I’m constantly searching for. It’s just that it can’t be found from the outside, no-one can give it to me, I have to learn to let myself go, free myself from my own shackles. Then it doesn’t matter where I am or what I do, as long as the mind is free, the body will feel no distress.

I’m nothing but a wreck anymore, I’m lost and without a guidance and my strength is fading. I’m trying and trying to turn my life around, to enjoy life, feel alive and so on – I never manage to hold on to those feelings, they all fade away after a while and then I’m back to square one.

All my decisions – “now I’ll lose some weight”, “I’ll start taking better care of myself again”, “I’ll find myself a hobby of some sort” etc. – seem like such good ideas but when the time comes to actually put them into practice I never get myself to do anything. This has been going on for months already and I just don’t know what’s the problem. Or no, I do know what the problem is, but I have no idea how I got to this point and more importantly, how I’m going to get out. Everything feels so meaningless that I can’t see the reason to carry out any of my plans, even though I know by doing so things could change for the better or at least I would get out of this stagnant state I’m at right now. I know all this and still I get nothing done. Life’s meaningless, empty, a complete waste of time most of the time. I wouldn’t want it to be like that, I’d love to be able to enjoy life and the world around me. Why does everything have to feel so insignificant?

I need something in my life, something that fills the emptiness and gives me reasons to live and love and laugh. I enjoy the time spent with J ^{(see my previous entry)}, but he can’t be the reason I live, I don’t want him to be, no matter how much I care about him – I’m not ready to live for anyone else than myself, and if I can’t find the meaning myself I might as well give up completely. What could it be though, the thing (things?) to keep me going? Work doesn’t do it (maybe I just haven’t found the right kind of job for myself, but without a higher education it’s rather difficult), school is at least another year away and everything else just seems too small. Music, writing, books, movies all mean so much to me but they aren’t enough, they just temporarily take the hollowness in me away.

It’s funny, before I didn’t think life needed a certain meaning or purpose, if that’s what you’d like to call it, “life’s just life” I used to think at it was enough, maybe because I had some stable things in my life, school predominantly, a firm ground to stand on; there was no need to worry the way I do now. Actually, this isn’t worrying, I’m just tired and scared because I seem to have lost my course in life and I don’t know where I’m going – if anywhere. I think I’ve finally accepted the fact that life, my life at least, needs some kind of a destination, a meaning so that I can keep on going. Without it I can’t pick myself up if I fall, what’s the point if there’s nowhere to go?

I haven’t got the slightest idea where to start or what to do, but I’ve got to find something fast.

I feel like why I am not moving well with others these days? I am in a plan to find the real meaning behind that…I have started working on that…

I can summarize my search for meaning as find meaning in each weekend:
I really don’t know why, but today I felt like I really didn’t enjoy my weekend.
What happened? I feel like this happens to often.

- Do I feel like I wasn’t productive with my day? (I wanted to cook a lasagna, but it wasn’t a huge priority. I spent 3 hours on the computer. I took a 2 hour nap today.)
- What can I do to feel like I have more meaning? I really don’t like watching t.v., but I can spend HOURS on the internet. Not good. Why? Isn’t that an addiction?

I feel like I struggle because I want to check things off my to-do lists, yet I find it so easy to be lazy. We don’t have kids – so I KNOW that life could be busier.

WHAT TO DO?! ugh.

....

Someday, I want to do work that is so fulfilling that I don’t mind long hours.

Yes, I’m paid well now, but have ZERO motivation to go above and beyond for the most part.

I’ve deliberately left this goal as open-ended as possible. I know a more specific target would be easier to focus on but I think I need to start this process with a very wide net. Over the course of this year, I’d like to narrow down just what “meaning” might look like in my life…

O.k., let’s get started…

In my excursions through this bizarre occurence we call life, I’ve learned several things. Whether or not I’ll ever unveil whatever meaning my life holds really makes little difference. I am but a speck of sand in an hourglass, waiting as time ticks onward. I’ll stop digressing and get to the point. We all want to find meaning. We all want to know that there is some purpose for existing. What I’ve learned is this: The meaning of our lives is to care for one another, respect each other, love and appreciate others. A kind word, or a gentle touch can make all the difference to someone who’s world has been flipped upside down. Everyone is searching for something, and many will never find what it is that they are looking for, but we persevere.