control my depression

i go shopping and i feel like everything so pressuring…i dont feel right in clothes my mom is always telling me things coparing me to my sister….also there is a chance that my dad is not my dad….i really dont know what to do i just cry every moment i can..i stay in my room the whole day.

It has been rainning since yesterday.
It’s difficult when it rains…

control my depression
control
control
control
I can control my depression

some1 to talk about my situation, so i could get advice or something please

I want to get to a point in my life where i can feel i control my depression and not the other way around

like a loser.

i am happy now.

it hasn’t been this way long.

i remember one day, i was standing outside and i looked down the street that leads to my house and i had the absolute realization that i hated my life. not an anger fit where you just scream it or bitch about it. like, when you look at someone and realize you’re in love with them. there is a shock of feeling..a burst of realization and you couldn’t know anything more trully if you saw it staring at you vividly, but lifelessly, like a statue.

that day stands out..i have forgotten christmases and i have forgotten birthdays and i have forgotten deaths and i have forgotten births but the day i hated my life is something i remember with the kind of clarity usually reserved for first kisses or a favorite t-shirt or last kisses.

there is such painful, simple finality in a day like that.

“it was a day like any other” as they say.

but now here i am.

one year from when i thought everything would be better than when it was. one year from when the doctor’s gave me happiness in pill form. one year from when life was a dream..or wasn’t..I haven’t really worked that out yet.

and it is better. so much better, i do not know sometimes how it is that i persisted through some of the muck that there was or if i even persisted at all. life could be a dream, i imagine, if it wished itself to be..but i digress

So it has been that from the kind of listless indifference you get from watching your neighbor mow his yard, i have ripped a slice of contentment. an oblong happiness, fledgling but aging with me. from darkness, not light persay..but a dull gray glow, that pulses warmly and without much banality.

and i must say i understate the improvement massively,

but that is neither here, nor there..it’s a nighttime thing.

for tonight i am not person of blood and bone, but a formless collection of memories, like one of those bizarre jello molds that traps whatever abstract sweetness the maker saw lying around.

and you know something?

when i look at those memories..those warped fragments of the supposedly useless time I spent depressed,

I miss them. I miss the extremes.

i miss feeling that deep, deep, deep, deep low..deeper than hell but then, so deep that it felt like i had discovered in the darkest parts of the earth this fissure that just oozed this filthy rich creative energy.

and i guess, in the typical ironic format of life, i learned to grow content with being discontent and euphoric with being miersable. because though it was all worthless, there was this bizarre extreme that i did not notice then but recall almost fondly now. i think there is no greater motivator (or lack thereof) for artistic blood than depression. it’s why van gogh was a genius and then committed suicide and why hemingway was a genius and then committed suicide and why jeff buckley was a genius and then committed suicide. you can feel this extreme that goes beyond hell in terms of misery but at the same time lends you the experience to put misery into terms that the whole world can understand (and generally find to be beautiful). more proof? think of the most beautiful songs you have ever heard. are they happy or are they sad?

i’m sure none of what i say makes any sense..but then again, creation should never be meant for exhibition’s sake :)

besides, a blob of memories can’t do much more than ooze anyways..and that’s pretty damn gross.

whatever the case, i suppose what I’m trying to say, like everything else in life, can be cut down to one simple blog-friendly summation of the last 4 hours of my existence.

tonight, i miss misery.

very depressed lately. I apologize for not responding to people’s posts tonight, but I am just….drained of the energy and resolve to do so. I’ve been pretty depressed for the last few days and have wanted to cry, but I’ve been trying to hold it inside.

and rot. I hope I die and rot. I want to die. I swear I do. I want to die tonight. I can’t stand to breathe. I hate mysekf, I can;t stand my family, and I self abused again tonight. Like an idiot. I have a huge knot on my head because I hit myself with the telephone like a dumb-a*. I HOPE I DIE SO BAD. I JUST WANT TO BE DEAD. I can’t stand anyone. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I want to be dead. I hate my whre hopping father and right now I might not have a right but my mother makes me so damn mad and I hope I rot and die a thousand deaths myself. FCK m e and fuk my reality.

I feel a little depressed tonight. But what right do I have to feel depressed if I am not helping others who have even bigger reasons to be depressed? None, I think. I need to do more. As for my own depression, I need to stop wanting people I can’t have. That is part of what has me upset tonight. At first, my crushes actually provide a nice distraction from regular life and on rare ocassions I sometimes think MAYBE just MAYBE I can have that person for a little while in some small amount, but I can’t. Sometimes, it even makes you happy when you like these people because it gives you someone to look forward to seeing. I might even get some little thrills here and there. In the end, though, I am even more frustrated and depressed over it. Most of the time I don’t even have any real hopes, or any real thrills. Ugh. I am tired of being lonely. It’s making me depressed. HATING MYSELF makes me depressed. The world and humanity makes me depressed. Being bored isn’t helping, either since I could use a fun distraction. Ugh. I’m just….I feel blah and halfway dead. I am wondering if I should switch this goal to one that mentions anger, anxiety, and depression because I need to control my temper and tongue in relationships AND I need to work on anxiety, as well. If I switch goals will all my posts switch over?