become financially independent and stable

I was so desperate for employment this time last year that it didn’t matter to me that I’d be making $11/hr and working 13-hour, though intermittent, days. I’d get benefits and have somewhere to go in the morning and those two things were really all I wanted.

Now, I’ve come to understand a bit more about what I’m seeking from a potential employer.

I made very little last year and at least half of that went back toward my student loans, so when it came time to really examine my financial situation and the likelihood of my making it to Boston on my meager, meager funds, I had a big decision to make.

So after weeks of absolute angst, I’ve decided that I’ll be in Ohio for a few more months, looking for yet another job and looking to save as much money as I possibly can so that when December or January come around, that I’ll have at least enough money to consider myself “stable.”

I hate that this matters so much, but what else to do about it?

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been actually looking at apartments in Providence, in Worcester, in places so clearly not Boston that it made me antsy just to consider. $1800 is in no way conducive to real life, it’s just not, and so logically, I tend to get a little antsy.

But! This afternoon, over lunch with my Dad, I think I finally came to my very first envisioning of a realistic personal economy in Boston.

I understand that I will not be making any more money than will allow me to pay rent, buy food, and pay off loans, and that, my dears, is perfectly lovely. What I cannot do is expect to make more than that for a little while (which I haven’t, not even once), but what I also cannot do is make any less than that or expect that I’ll be able to make it there without a substantial (ish) income.

By the seat of my pants is just fine and would make me inordinately happy, but I can do neither better nor worse.

Once that’s set, working my way up to “stable” shouldn’t be even half as difficult.

So game on, eh? Let’s get this thing started.

This is really more suited to my long letter to Lauren than to a 43T entry, but while I haven’t figured things out completely, I’m getting there slowly. It may take me years to get the kind of security blanket I’d like to have and decades to get the kind of capital I’d need for a shop, but I have a tiny plan and for now, I need to not panic so easily and to clear my head and be a little more patient.

Breathe in, eh?

Okay, as it turns out, my pay is exactly what my boss estimated and not nearly what I estimated. It was a rough month there, my fault.

I do, however, have student loan payments due on the 21st and am essentially completely and utterly screwed.

My whole paycheck will basically go toward student loans, leaving me just enough left over to buy a travel-size bottle of Advil to take care of the inevitable splitting headache.

It all works out nicely.

Yes, I am discouraged. =/

I just suck so bad at this.

I’m waiting for my first paycheck, though my job doesn’t pay nearly what my boss originally estimated.

I’m waiting for my refunded security deposit, though I haven’t heard from my landlord since I moved in May.

I’m waiting for my new Franzen book, though I shouldn’t have spent the $18.

I want to have a $3000 safety cushion in my bank account at all times, but I’ve never in my life had that much money at one time. I want to vacation in Boston for a 4-day weekend, but I don’t know if I’ll have that kind of money before December. I want to move to Boston in the Summer, though I have no idea what my finances will look like then.

I just want to be able to buy a cup of coffee without feeling these serious pangs of guilt and anxiety over how these dollars should go toward paying down a debt I’m not yet sure is entirely worth it.

Baby steps, baby steps.

So I’ve consolidated my loans and I’ve sent my application to approximately 7.2 million places (okay, just 7) and I’m frankly, wigging out, but I have to believe that I’ll find something, that I’ll make money, I’ll get even a baby jump start and by the time I move out on my own and get a real live, fulfilling, amazing job, that I’ll be somewhat on my feet. I think I can do this, if only I could find employment.

I’m earning. I can pay my rent, my bills, etc. I still owe money to my parents for paying for my new computer. But atleast I have means to pay them back now.

I’m twenty-three years old and admittedly, really have no idea as to how to responsibly handle money. I have over $30K in student loan debt and while I have good credit and no other debt to speak of, I am currently in grad school, unemployed, and looking at a year of living with my parents before I’m back on my own feet as a citizen of this world. For a while, the idea of the starving artist life appeals to me viscerally, but I want to be able to buy new clothing for myself, to buy all-organic foods without feeling guilty over their price tags, I want to establish a coffeeshop/bookstore, and I want a family someday and for reasons good or bad, all of these things require capital of some kind. Basically, I just want to know that I can do it. Right now, I’m taking care of rent and utilities and groceries at a townhouse with two roommates and I think I’ve got a firm handle on what needs to be done, but once May rolls around, I want to start learning how to do this without the safety net of money that’s not mine.