get through today without smoking

but “getting through today” just isn’t that tough now. Yeah, I have moments. I smoked for 17 years…I think it’d be weird if I didn’t have moments. The bottom line is…I just don’t want to smoke anymore. I don’t like the taste, nor do I like the smell (except, oddly, in my car…but I’m dealing with that). I really don’t like the way it makes me feel. So I’m pretty confident I can talk myself down from any craving I may have. I made it through the ultimate test, being around Richie while he’s smoking – I wasn’t tempted, as I have been when exposed to smoke during previous quit attempts.

Feels kind of anticlimactic. Not that I’m complaining. I just think I need to move on to my next goal: Surviving the Chantix.

being around R smoking this weekend. Of course, he’s still recovering from his cold, so he (a) didn’t smoke nearly as much as usual and (b) went home tonight to rest up before work Monday. Still…didn’t bother me. I actually asked him to light up a cigarette when we were driving back from the store, as we entered an area in which (I assume) teenage skunks play chicken with traffic. Say what you want about secondhand smoke, but I’d rather smell that than several dead skunks.

My throat’s sore, hopefully from the smoke; I let him smoke in the house this weekend. (I just didn’t have the heart to make him go outside when he’s still feeling bad.) It could also be from cat hair on his clothes; my eyes are itching, so I’m sure it didn’t help. Mostly I’m just hoping it’s not me coming down with his cold. Maybe I should go to bed early tonight, though, just in case…

With a vengeance. Of the most common, the only one I don’t have is vomiting. (Which is a good thing, don’t get me wrong.) My biggest complaint today, though, is the sleep disturbances. Four and a half measly hours of sleep last night. And not because I stayed up too late (well, I did, a little, but not obnoxiously late). No…I just woke up at 4 a.m. and didn’t get back to sleep until half an hour before my alarm went off.

I knew I should have cleaned earlier in the week. Now I’m really having trouble working up the enthusiasm to. If I wake up early tomorrow morning, I’ll get up and do it then. Might as well…that extra half hour of sleep really didn’t help me much.

I’m not sure what exactly brought it on (I suspect the Big Red gum…was it always this hot?!), but my mouth is really sore. It’s incredibly uncomfortable to eat or drink anything, which leaves me…breathing, pretty much. I suspect that’s what’s made me so twitchy today. R says I should chew on a straw…I might just have to try that.

is that, while it focuses on baby steps, the effect is cumulative. The longer I go, the less likely I am to cheat because it means breaking my streak. (Day 6 and counting. I’ve decided to include Friday as a nonsmoking day, as I only had those few drags first thing in the morning. It’s really not that much different from sitting next to a smoker, when you think about it.)

The odd thing is that I’m not really smelling the stale smoke in the house – I get whiffs of it now and then, but it’s nowhere near as strong as I expected it to be. It’s weird. But I’m not complaining!

Having a cigarette will not make me less stressed out, nor will it undo the chaos that was work today. I’ll just feel really bad afterwards.

I may, however, go get some chocolate and a bottle of wine. In fact, I probably will do just that in a bit.

I’ll have gone nearly 3 days. (Friday morning I had the tail end of the cig that I was smoking on Thursday night. It was all of about 3 drags, but still.) Yesterday wasn’t too terribly hard. Now, however, I’ve got cigarettes in the other room, nobody would know but me (though I’m my own worst critic when it comes to this), and I’ve been thinking I want to smoke…so I must keep busy until bedtime. Which is just around the corner. Surely I can do this.

_{I say “thinking I want to smoke” because I know darn good and well the moment I light up a cigarette, I’ll put it right back out because it tastes nasty. I’m not physically craving the cigarette…this is all in my head.}

even through the long weekend, which I spent with R (who smoked fairly normally the whole time). Even when we went to a bar and to the fair, where I was surrounded by smokers. In fact, going to the bar (or, rather, the morning after when I hacked my head off for 2 hours straight) made me not want to smoke.

I’m not even smoking half a cigarette at a time now…I’m taking 3-4 drags and putting it out. I’m also not really enjoying them anymore…I can feel what they do to me, and it’s more unpleasant than enjoyable. Cigarette smoke makes my nose run, my throat hurt, my eyes burn and itch. For what – five minutes of nicotine rush? It’s not worth it. So I’m going to say with some degree of confidence that after this coming weekend (which will be spent visiting relatives out of town, none of whom smoke), I will be completely smoke-free. At which point I will mark this goal done and start on that fall cleaning one…god, my house stinks. :(

since I completely missed my morning dose of Chantix (just took it…my normal time for the evening dose is in 2 hours), and I’ve only had one cigarette today. Ordinarily, I’d be climbing the walls without the Chantix or some form of nicotine. Especially since the ashtray and cigarette pack is right in front of me.

I’m down to 3 cigarettes a day now. And, apparently, am making great strides in my behavior modification – otherwise I’d be drooling over my pack o’Winstons at the moment. So I’m not rushing it, or berating myself for ‘failing’ to quit. I didn’t start smoking overnight, and I won’t be able to quit that way either. I’ve smoked for half my life; that’s a pretty big habit to replace. But I think I’m making excellent progress. And if I do this right, once I do quit, I won’t be likely to relapse. If it takes a extra month or so on this stuff, it’s well worth it.

I’ve maintained my 6-a-day since last week, with the exception of Sunday (R was here – but I kept it to just under a pack). Today, I made it to within 2 hours of the 24-hour mark and cracked. I may have another before I go to bed. So that will make 2…much less than 6 or 18, but still – I was so close!

Maybe tomorrow I will have more willpower. I have been feeling icky today (hormonal stuff).

(Oh, and side note to the last post – I decided to let the doctor check the lump. It’s gotten bigger, and is hurting now. So…the appointment is next Wednesday. Cross your fingers for me.)