grieve

01. mourn, lament, sorrow, be sorrowful; cry, sob, weep, shed tears, weep and wail, beat one’s breast.
02. sadden, upset, distress, pain, hurt, wound, break someone’s heart, make someone’s heart bleed.

was R’s birthday. She would have been 69.

with R. last weekend, almost seven months after his wife’s death. It was wonderful to be in their home again – after three months of getting by with just telephone calls & e-mails – & to have the chance to laugh & talk & share (when I’m there, it can feel as if she isn’t really gone).

with R., on the fourth-month anniversary of his wife’s death. I’m glad that we were there today; it seemed very much as if she were still (physically) with us, in the stories that we told & in the memories & laughter that we shared.

R. gave me one of her amethyst rings; a favorite of hers that I remember seeing her wear often & a surprise gift from him to her about 15 years ago. (Second only to sapphires, her birthstone, amethysts were R.’s favorite.) He said that she would want me to have it & to wear it with joy in her memory.

I am so blessed by this warm friendship & so touched by this gift….

loss with my friend A. at some length last week. It is healing to have the chance to express, deeply & honestly, how much & how often I miss R. (lately I’ve been especially missing our frequent, long, impromptu telephone calls). I am grateful to have been so well listened to & lovingly heard. smile

Really, that’s why I haven’t been around anywhere much. It hit me hard; it was almost totally unexpected.

I’ve accepted that he’s gone but I don’t want to think about it at all. So I guess I wonder if I’ve truly accepted it. I distract myself from thinking about it at every opportunity.

loss with my friend J. at some length today. It was very healing to share honestly & deeply—& to be “really heard” (caringly & attentively listened to). I am grateful for her love & kindness & her rare ability to “be there” for a friend. smile

My grandpa died this weekend. He is in Shanghai and my dad just left for the services. He was sick for a few years, and alone, after his wife died. I have many wonderful memories as a child in New York City at his apartment, vacations together, holidays, and a recent visit to him in Shanghai.

I miss my mother. In the joy she always took in sending us out for Halloween and in letting us stuff ourselves afterwards. I so much want her to see my daughter, dressed this Halloween as Little Red Riding Hood (with a short skirt, for heaven’s sake!) It’s probably her last Halloween, and poor Mom is missing it all. And my girl is missing her grandmother, the one who would really pay attention to her (Her father’s mother is a true horror…no other way to put it). My mother sent packages when they were little with funny stuffed animals and masks, and tons of loose candy. But my girl, she can’t remember: She was only 4 when my mother died.

Ah well. I know, I know she’s here. But tonight, I could use a hug.

She followed my Tada seven months later, although she was twelve years his senior. Her stroke a couple years ago left her incoherent, but able to recognize me. I want to just be able to forget her racing me on foot all the way to the corner to watch the fire trucks scream up Goodman Street. Or that she would tuck me in at night and tell me to schlafen well. I am having a hard time losing both of my first set of adoptive parents in an eight-month span. I could use their love more than ever right now but, alas, they are gone; (716) 654-9775 doesn’t reach wherever they are…