learn how to be happy

i used to be happy. i just want to learn how to do it again. i want to be happy for him. and for us. and for me, duh.

Just got back from Italy with my husband :) We went to Mantova for an academic conference, he’s a philosopher, and while in the country eloped in Verona, Romeo and Juliet’s city. We’re still ironing out the legalities here in the states – but I’m feeling pretty happy right about now :)

I canceled my previous ‘thing’ about ‘throwing an awesome wedding’ a few months ago, when I realized it was hopeless.

I was planning on having a masquerade ball in the style of Venetian Carnivale (I’m very Italian and always wanted to be a beautiful girl at a ball)...I lost my job because someone kept turning off the alarm clock in the morning, Mom was laid off, Dad was laid off, Bro went off to college, and my fiance’s the only one making money anymore…and he just barely makes enough money to pay our bills – so I after 6 years total of engagement I gave up on having a wedding I wanted.

To keep the family happy I still needed a wedding of some kind…but the cost of a wedding I don’t want is still more than we could possibly handle. So we tried to make alternate plans. Now my mother and grandmother are mad at me for ‘cutting them out’ of the wedding. I tried to make them happy – I told them if they could arrange it and pay for it, I’ll go to a roman catholic church and get married (we’re both atheists, previously confirmed catholic) – turns out they’re willing to bitch but not do any actual work. So I’m back to the drawing board, I’ve got no help, I made everyone upset and worst of all: I can’t find a damn dress to wear for what everyone keeps telling me ‘isn’t a real wedding. It won’t count’.

I’ve been crying all morning.

Right now, I can’t believe I’ll ever be happy.

Been a couple of days since I’ve had an ‘event’ to speak of.
I did shout at Thom in the car this morning over a misunderstanding in the parsing of my sentence – not the topic mind you, the way I parsed the statement it sounded like a comment on 1 item instead of a list of 2 items. He couldn’t quite tell me how I could have made myself understood, which totally spent my fuse and I snapped.

...Not the way to be getting better at this. I just feel like I can’t possibly be worth his time, since he does everything perfectly and I’m this clumsy fat girl who’s not anywhere near as smart as him and in comparison won’t have as large an impact on the world as he will. I feel like a retarded puppy he loves because it needs someone and he’s just that kinda good guy. He deserves a better wife, at least one he can walk proudly with at all his fancy academic conferences – I could have the decency to, at the very least, be hot!

...hmm…interestingly revealing rant…I think this avenue deserves more consideration. New goal, “be worth his time” or “stop devaluing myself for the sake of others”?
You’d think the latter right off the bat, but which one would net us (as a couple) more benefit?

...

Can I even do this?
Do I even understand the original statement: Learn how to be happy ?
Does that make sense – can you LEARN to be happy?
The reason I think I’m unhappy is that I freak out all the time. I get easily frustrated, I have a super short fuse, and I seem to cry a lot with whatever emotion I’m overloaded with – happy, sad, angry, frustrated, quixotic. Am I just assuming I’m unhappy because I’ve been trained to think that I’m unhappy?

Maybe this is me being happy?

That would suck.

Alright…so I’ve hit a plateau on the weight loss – no biggie. it looks like I’m going to be enrolled in school soon ::crosses fingers:: and My art style seems to be coming along. I have a great idea for a short comicbook series – new list item – and my house isn’t that bad these days…

Trying to keep positive and view my goals and myself with the respect and reverence we deserve. I’m not sure if it’s working over all – but I’ve had a lot more good days as of late…couple of super bad freak out days too, but all in all I think things are getting better – I’m getting better. Big things coming in the next couple weeks…can’t wait to see where it all takes me.

I didn’t intent to ever put any of these Meta-psychological type statements on here but at this point I think I need a little reminder.

I’ve never really felt happy. All my good times, good memories, and good moments are tainted by guilt, sadness, and anger – mostly at myself. I dwell on everything.

I have Clinical Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder – both currently being untreated. The medication made everything worse, and I’ve talked to people who just LEARNED to relax, LEARNED to let go of the bad things. I can deal with things on a moment to moment basis at this point but I need to learn how to be happy when the bad things aren’t currently happening.

Maybe this would be better titled “Learn to let go”?

easy life, simple life, not owing $$$, wonderful spouse, great friends, having a good circle of support, being fit and healthy.

I thought that I used to know what happy was, until I met a this guy and he made me feel like everything in the world would be ok. But once he was done with me I truely feel that he stole from me how to be happy. Now what? Where do I go from here? I just want to be happy!