stop obsessing about food

I can’t believe how I set out to do one thing but always do another. I hate myself for it time and time again. I have this terrible thing with a negative thought avalanche that soars through my brain and once it starts it is really hard to stop. That is usually where the eating comes in. I’m not sure how it will ever go away. I don’t know if I would even be alive if it weren’t for my faith and loved ones helping me keep going. I am getting better every day. It’s so hard. It feels like a real disease, I never deprive myself or make myself barf or anything like that, thank goodness, because that would make it even more hard to push through, but my eating is not in order at all. I’m so excited for tomorrow…It is going to be much better!! :)

I do it everyday, honestly it’s become a compulsion. The need to calculate every morsel that I put into my mouth- at least for the 1st 2/3 of the day. I go to a website online (Fitday.com) that lets you input what you are eating and track where your calories are coming from in terms of protein fat and carbs. This is a great tool essentially, until people start abusing it. I find that my tendency to give myself “permission” to eat certain things because of a gap in my daily calorie limit i’ve set for myself hasn’t been used up is ultimately my downfall. I think, “well I have 200 calories left, so why not eat that ice cream?” and so, overeating likely ensues. So I guess this has become counter-productive.

I am very health conscious most of the time. I eat well, and probably wouldn’t have an issue with weight if I didn’t log every morsel I put in my mouth- yet I feel the need to be aware of where I’m at.

Oh, and about the remaining 1/3 of the day, at night I find myself meandering to the kitchen and snagging a piece of turkey here or a strawberry there, possible nibbling on a pint of ben and jerry’s fro-yo as well (always just as bite or two!). After a while, this is going to add up (if it hasn’t already).

I wish I could just listen to my body. Feed it healthy things. And be done with it. The funny thing is, simply writing this out has been theraputic. I’m not sure I’ve composed all of these thoughts in one sitting- although I’ve jotted rants in my journal all too frequenlty. Hm.. we’ll see where this takes me.