Be reborn into the sunshine

I am lapsed! Lapsed in faith, in judgment, in love… Most of all I have forgotten who I am and become a little of something else.

Today, I show myself… Renewed faith, renewed concern for the details that once defined me and set me apart from others, a new view of who I am, the people around me and the world in general.

I think I have spent my life hiding, from the world and much worse from myself. It’s time to just live, love, and be all that I can be… Me!

I got caught up in the other aspects of my life. Had to focus more on getting a job and now clearing off my debt, both of which are shaping up quite nicely.

At times I am a little overwhelmed because things are moving so fast these days. I slow myself down too by trying to do everything at once and then I get a bit discouraged because I did not meet all of my goals. I do realize that the restraints I place on myself are a bit unrealistic. I am slowing down and learning to pace myself. I am doing better and not being “Superman” anymore doesn’t bother me as much.

I has been a minute but things are finally starting to shape up.

Went to my sister’s a little while ago. I needed to pick up my Epson Stylus Photo 2200, software and other miscellaneous things. When I got there, I found that some of the rest of my stuff was stolen.

What am I to do? Accept it and move on that’s what. I will be in a very different place in my life shortly.

I mean some things are all right, but I haven’t been keeping up with my goals. At the begining of the year, I was full of fire. Things happened and I just couldn’t keep it going.

While some doors did close, I believe that for everyone that closed, another opened. I should have been taking advantage of those open doors and not sitting and waiting for the closed ones to reopen, understand? Not that I have been idle, I did manage to kick in a few others. The ones I want open and couldn’t simply kick in — well the explosive charges are being set…

I AM NOT OK, but by the mid mark of 2006 I should be.

In my previous entry Sacrifice I expressed my desire to give up some things for the season of lent. I am still doing pretty well. I did however have meat this week. Had a cheddar cheese burger the other day and I had some rice with some meat gravy today.

I will still continue to try to get by without meat for the rest of lent.

7 Habits asks you to assume the role of a teacher rather than a student while reading the book, so that you take in the material differently. It’s kinda saying it becomes a little more important if you have to teach someone than if you are trying to learn it.

“Be proactive” is the first habit in the book. Proactivity defined is taking responsibility for our own lives. It’s about working from the inside, who you are, out.

The book offers some suggestions for application at the end of the chapters. I modified the 1st challenge and took a few days to monitor my language and the language of others around me.

I realize that even though I have the mindset that I am going to fix this and make things right and that I am rarely concerned about what others should be doing, I speak as though I am not in control. I say a lot of stuff like “I have to,” “I must,” or “I need to.” I do realize that most of this is a choice.

I look at certain people around me and they really aren’t in control. They will swear that they are. Just like me they are in situations they don’t want to be in and have no way out. The tragedy is they are putting all of their energy into complaining, instead of trying to build tools to fight their way out. I guess that’s my biggest credit, I DON’T GIVE UP!

How do I reach these people as I move back into independence?

The second involves identifying an experience in which I might behave reactively. Then to visualize myself handling it proactive.

I had an experience last night where my son’s mother wanted to show off and try to make me look bad. She went on and on about me not having any regard for other people’s property and if it was mine I would have tried to kill…

One fact that everyone knows about me, I treat everyone’s stuff as I would want them to treat mine. I only own one thing at this point, my PowerBook. She pointed that out.

I reminded her that the keyboard was that slipped out of my hand from a six inch shelf on the desk. Then she was wondering why it was I got upset. Clearly, everyone saw that since I had come from the store she was trying to antagonize me. She also wanted to involve the children about an incident that occurred about a week ago where one of the children had dropped a stuffed animal one my PowerBook, almost knocking it off my lap. I did not react then how she said I did. So I asked one of the children, including the one who had dropped ths tiger on me. She said that they would always agree with me.

I don’t give them any reason to lie. In fact I rarely punish them for things they do wrong. I have always tried to teach them about positive and negative consequences. In this particular situation the consequence is trust. If they would have lied to me who else would they lie for?

I should not have yelled at her, I should have ignored her and continued what I was doing. This was a situation where she did not merit response. Maybe a simple I’m sorry would have worked.

The third and forth challenges, I haven’t gotten to yet. The third involves identifying a problem that is frustrating to me and determine whether I have direct, indirect or no control. Then to identify the 1st step in my “circle of influence that I can take to solve it.

The final challenge is a 30 day self test of proactivity.

I could be mistaken, this stuff is f’n great. After a long day, I had a much needed disconnect with a cup of Envy. Recharge, no joke!

Ok I am reading the book right and while none of what’s in the book is new to me so far all off it is making sense.

I made some decisions a long time ago about the person I want to be. I chose not to let anyone live through me. I chose not to let any one’s actions affect the way I feel, their actions are just that and they will suffer the consequences even though I have to bare those consequences with them.

The right path is the only path.

I always knew that I had the power to choose my responses to what was going on around me. I just didn’t always make the right choice. Today I am choosing to make better choices.

I want to walk the right path now. I am not religious and I may never be. So many preach it, few walk it. My road is lonely. Who will walk with me.

I have learned that I have not been as understanding to the children, who I love so much. Today, Joy laid her head in my chest and cried, she felt that I didn’t want her around. I understand now that the years of conditioning that make up who she is can’t be done overnight. I want her to learn, I want her to learn from my example, I want her to learn that everything from this point on is about her choices.

Joy, I love you. Please make the best choices you can. We are all her to help you and love you.

I had always known that love was a matter of choice. I choose to love her. The book says that love, real love is an action and love the feeling is a fruit born of that action. Joy thank you for loving me.

Today is the 1st day of Lent. In Western Christianity, it is the 40 day period between Ash Wednesday (today) and Easter, excluding Sundays. Its 46 days in total.

Lent is marked by fasting from food and “festivities.”

I have decided to give up meat, everything sexual, explicit sweets, like candy, and anything that might serve as a distraction for me.

In addition, I am giving up the “7 Deadly” and everything related to them, for 46 day. They are greed, gluttony, pride, envy, sloth, and my two favorites lust and wrath. The questing is, what are the “7 Heavenly” going to do without their twisted sisters?

I just figure if I cut these things off, I will both gain a short term productivity boost and when I reintroduce them into my life I can have them in moderation.