explore my sexuality

It’s funny—I thought I knew what it meant, but I realize I really didn’t, largely because I collapsed “transexual” with “transgender.”

I went to an LGBT clinic that has a sliding scale for blood tests. Even if I didn’t identify as L,G,B or T, I was extremely welcome at the place. And my gay male nurse practitioner was great. It was an experience to be able to feel I fit in this kind of context even when I haven’t tagged a label on myself.

Completely. As in, my genitals for some reason feel numb (too much biking, perhaps?)

I have had very sporadic inklings for the last couple of months, with weeks at a time going by without much of a sexual thought. I am not sure what’s the deal. It doesn’t produce anxiety, but it makes me scared that I am just imbalanced, and that something is really wrong with me.

Recently, I begun an affair with a married man. Please read my “How I Did It” entry if you haven’t already before reading the rest of this post so it’ll make sense! :-)

Because my sexual morals are different than a significant portion of the populations, I had no qualms about making love with a man who is married to another woman. I had her permission and I respect her immensely. I play by her rules and her husband and I make lots of effort to ensure her comfort. (He also respects my requests; i.e., I asked him not to divulge certain things about our encounters to his wife.)

I went to the city in which he lives, checked into a seedy motel, went out for drinks with a friend and then texted him the address and room number. He came over late at night and we made love; he is eight years my senior and told me that it was the first time he had met up with someone for “steamy motel sex.” This pleased me immensely. It was a great fantasy lived out for both of us. I am happy that I crossed a boundary that most people would be uncomfortable crossing. Already I have grown from this experience and I hope that the affair continues so that I may enjoy even more personal growth and maybe even inspire some :-)

Have you ever been around a child who “hides” in pain sight and rationalizes that because he cannot see you, you must not be able to see him?

This is how I feel about eye contact during sex.

I am an eye closer during sex, and I want to change that. Eye contact is confrontational anyway; it indicates a deep connection, be it dominance, affection, professionalism, etc. I have just found it so difficult to look into the eyes of my lover, because it is the most intimate thing I can imagine and I fear that.

Last night I made love with a man who is dominant (although, FYI, not in a BDSM manner) sexually, and while I was atop him (something that is difficult for me emotionally in its own right) he demanded that I look at him. I panicked for a second. He’s going to judge me. He’s going to laugh. He’s going to not be enjoying himself. He’s going to be looking at the flaws in my body. But I love doing what I’m told, and this was enough to override my panic.

I opened my eyes.

And when I did, he wasn’t looking at me cockeyed judging my body and the faces that I make and thinking that my hair was an absolute mess because of the sex. He was looking into my eyes and grinning. Grinning like a fool. He was having a great time, he was having a great time with me and there wasn’t anybody else in his mind. He wanted to connect with me, and I’m so glad I did.

I plan to tell him this is something I want to do more of, and that I would appreciate more direction to open my eyes because I probably won’t think to do it on my own at this point. I know he will oblige me, because he is an extremely considerate, patient and skilled lover.

I’m working on this one; I think I am going to be able to coax P. to come down with N. and Emily the last Friday in March in celebration of her excellent tenure as editor-in-chief of Gravity Hill. The last time we had sex, we used a Durex Extra Sensitive and something else…I really didn’t care…anyway, maybe this time we’ll be able to take more time and enjoy the condoms.

(Enjoy the condoms? WTF? I hate condoms. But you know what else I hate? HIV and babies. And you know what I love? Sex. So there ya go.)

Today, I purchased 24 condoms online. (YEP, you can do that now. Huge selection, customer reviews, and no old lady behind the check-out eying you and calling you a harlot!) I bought 12 Pleasure Plus by ONE, and 12 Crown Skinless Skin Condoms. The latter has been voted Best Condom of the Year for seven straight years on condom depot and the former has gotten truly stellar customer reviews.

Because I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I am actually androgynous. That is as close to describing as what I feel on the inside, even if I may look more feminine on the outside.

Two recent discoveries vis-a-vis my feminine side:
1. I get tired (really, exhausted) when I ovulate. Last week? Could exercise an hour every day, non-stop. This week? Can barely pull through one hour. Actually didn’t do any exercise Tuesday and Wednesday, and today forced myself to do 45 min, and was really tired. Got that stretchy white fluid too, which made me aware I actually was ovulating (might be too much information for this site, but ah well, my sisters out there will understand me).
2. I still have a very engrained structure of productivity, where I schedule my life like a Franklin Cubby book, and believe that I will build and accomplishment like Lego if I dedicate time to it. But everything has rhythms, and right now, one hour of writing or drawing will not bear the same amount of fruit as if I had been doing it for years. This really is a cultivation period…I am so product or goal-oriented that I often overlook my rhythms. I need to respect where I am, right now, instead of pushing myself to despair.

I FOUND LOVE IN SOMEONE SO AMAZING ALL BECAUSE I TOOK A RISK….WOW…THAT’S ALL I CAN SAY.

Yes, I’ve done this one, realising I’m a lesbian along the way, and I’ve had, and am having, a wonderful journey.