Not doing so well. Better than most days, though. I just need to concentrate and make tomorrow my day. 9 months ago
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It’s time. No waiting until Monday or the beginning of the month or year. This habit needs to change now. At 11:18pm on a Thursday. It’s that important. I can’t waste any more time with this issue. It is eating up my confidence, my resolve, my beauty. It isn’t worth it. I need to keep myself accountable and really attack this issue full strength. I will check in daily with my progress and I hope this is the day, the week, the month that I can turn it all around. I’m so ready to be me again. 9 months ago
I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since April 21st, 2012. I used to drink to combat depression. Oh how I could use a power session with my old friend. Funny how you remove one letter from that word and friend becomes fiend. The definition of fiend is quite interesting in its two very specific Webster Dictionary definitions;
1. a person of great wickedness or maliciousness.
2. a person extremely devoted to a pursuit or study : fanatic
So, I guess I am a fiend. I am a person extremely devoted to the pursuit and study of anything, everything and all things I find incredible of which there are literally thousands. Thousands of things, places, times, ideas, foods, concepts, colors, patterns, buildings, animals, big things, minuscule things, pictures, paintings, museums, random things, clouds, shapes, songs, planets, stars, galaxies, mystery, wonderment, laughter, kindness, openness, genuine realness, individualism, the thought process, biological processes, the human body/organs/functions/respiratory system, eye sight, internalizing the external world, motivations behind everyday action and movements, body language, the way people act in public, fear, strangers, sadness, books, writing, fat people, music, time, the atmosphere, breathing, sleeping, dreaming, farting and choices.
The list could go on forever but it would feel like digging a deeper and deeper hole that I wouldn’t ever get out of because I am choosing to focus on the most incredible, beautiful, amazing, powerful, lovely, sensual, phantasmal and yet simple things in life and I would, once again, feel very very alone in my chasing down those concepts, ideas, actions, thoughts, places and things.
Am I selfish to pursue these things? The definition of selfish: Selfishness is placing concern with oneself or one’s own interests above the interests of others. Selfishness is the opposite of altruism or selflessness. Altruism can be distinguished from feelings of duty and loyalty. Altruism is a motivation to provide something of value to a party who must be anyone but the self, while duty focuses on a moral obligation towards a specific individual (for example, a god, a king), or collective (for example, a government). Pure altruism consists of sacrificing something for someone other than the self (e.g. sacrificing time, energy or possessions) with no expectation of any compensation or benefits, either direct, or indirect (for instance from recognition of the giving).
So how am I selfish if I give 1000% percent of me to discovering beautiful things to share with others? I do nothing for self. I do every single thing for the benefit of everyone around me. I endlessly search for the amazing; I find the most incredible existence to expose to the rest through the smallest of treasures in life. So that all may feel empowered, that they matter in this lifetime, in my lifetime and in their own heart and mind. My heart pounds like church bells for humanity!! I have such a global consciousness. I am fully aware of the ends of the Earth always and even as I write this now. But is my heart even worthy of beating for what I pursue?
I listened to my heart, for my mind has always been a trap. But now, I fear as if my heart has tangled me up in snares because what I have hunted has turned to dark. I do not know where I am going nor do I even know why. But I find myself far into this travel, no compass, no sign, no direction, little strength or fight to do what’s worthwhile. What is worthwhile? Is this even what it seems and appears to be? Have I followed an echo or a lie into a place I cannot return from?
I’ve watched moonlights silhouette and danced in it for all of us. I’ve kissed and made love. I’ve been broken and have healed. I have been hurt and have been strong. I have made mistakes and I have righted wrongs. I have hated and I have loved. I have lost and I have acquired. No matter what has happened in this life, life is waiting for me to join it by becoming a part of the wind, by becoming an echo. Close your eyes and know I love you; we’ll be safe in some world made new. Do you remember the smell of tall grass or how sunlight pushes dark clouds aside and you feel that beam of light touch your skin and warm your very soul? That’s me. I am there.
I will not be persuaded that my heart was wrong all this time. I have given to people more smiles than I can count in numbers. I have made it my pursuit to put a smile on the face of a passing stranger more times than I have collectively frowned in my entire life.
I followed Christ. I gave my all to spreading love as much as I could. I sought Him out for more strength, for wisdom, for courage to face the enemies of my own mind. God has not failed. I was given those things. And, this is the last song of the night I write to you in hopes that you continue where I failed. When silence has screamed I have heard it with such a passionate cry and I join it.
My only fear is that there will never be music again for me. This is why I keep it in me always. Music is life and yet I take it with me now. It has been my life and I pray to travel forever with pianos and violins coursing through my veins and pulsating in my soul. I am nothing without it and have not the fortitude to continue without it being in my ears now as I write.
Will I now dream forever? Will you dream of me in your waking hours and do all that I longed for? I don’t presume to be of any special significance to anyone, but I beg you not to watch the days go by without making your life a thing that should be included in a history book for others to model after, closely copy and emulate your radiance. Starting today you are better than I, stronger than I and more capable than I in this life. Your patience and perseverance trumps that of my own.
I swear to you and I promise you that I suffered. I AM suffering. I have been in writhing agony for years inside. I do not even have tears left. I cannot remember the last time I cried. I am tired and I have had just about enough of myself. It’s a dull achy pain and it is hard to breathe and I want to be freed from this torture. I want to ride wild horses again instead of being drug by them along a coarse public path while others watch. My story is far from simple but I am not afraid to tell the truth. I never want to run again. I want to walk along green fields and ocean fronts, to be on a mountain, to see them, to hear animals and to breathe free and clear of the dangers here.
I wander daily to these sweet places often, even if only in my mind, yet I am found time and time again by the ugly of the world and cannot escape to a secret place anymore without being found. And so, I remove myself of any clutches and take up my place somewhere else. 12 months ago
So I’ve started Part II without having quite complete Part I. Mind you, the two parts are separate and I can do one without the other, but completing Part I will make completing Part II exponentially easier (I think).
But I figure that while I’m putting my effort into Part I, it can’t hurt to see if Part II just falls into place on its own.
Time will tell. 12 months ago
...a year ago, I said Part I of this goal would take about one year to complete.
Well, a year is up and major steps have been made toward Part I, and even Part II is underway. There is still much to be done, but it’s a process and it’s moving forward. 12 months ago
toadstool15Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can realize that you are stong enough to get back up...
I don’t know what happened the other day. I had been doing a pretty good job for a while and then BAM! Friday was a bad day. I did a lot of damage and it really disappointed me after being pretty good for so long (not perfect, but good). I think such an epic fail day really encouraged me to get this thing under control. It’s time.
I was good all day Saturday and so far all day today. I will start logging more often to keep myself accountable and on track. Here I go…. 13 months ago
...but this goal is in my mind each and every day.
Phase One is underway, and the progress is promising. 15 months ago
...and I am ready to get back on the wagon. If I make it through today it will be day one. I need to be strong. 21 months ago
Just when I’m ready to throw in the towel, something comes along and gives hope one more boost.
It’s not over yet. 22 months ago
I have one more day before I have completed 4 weeks of this secret goal, but I am going to mark it done regardless of what happens tomorrow, so I’ll clear it from my list today. :) To be honest, there was a small hitch one day last week, but I’ve come to realize that there really are outside factors that make this challenging at certain times, things that I can mitigate but not control. This has been a great learning experience and really empowering. I will continue to try & do well with this secret goal even once I’ve marked it complete. 22 months ago
3 weeks of success with this goal; 1 week to go before I can mark it complete. :) 22 months ago
I have successfully made it through two weeks of this goal. Halfway there. The next two weeks will probably be the hardest, but I have a plan. 22 months ago
for this secret goal.
So far I’m at one week – first day was July 18th, 2011. 23 months ago
Yesterday went great. I kept busy and didn’t get tempted all day. I am very ready to make this change and I hope it can stick. I am trying to think of my new baby girl and remember the example I want to be for her. This helps me to stay on track. 23 months ago
This issue has negatively impacted my life in the following ways:
- it has drowned my self confidence.
- it makes me feel like people wonder what is wrong with me on a daily basis.
- it makes me feel humiliated with my husband and parents.
- it keeps me from doing activities that I enjoy like swimming, certain exercises.
- it makes me feel like I am not beautiful and limits my beauty options.
- it makes me dread photographs, beauty salons, weddings, parties, even nights out.
- it makes me feel like a failure and a freak.
- it is expensive to cover up the damage I do to myself.
- it is a constant worry for me that my daughter will either 1) wonder what is wrong with me once she is more aware or 2) pick up the same habit as me and go through life feeling the way I do.
This is a problem I need to get under control and quickly. My goal is to make progress every single day. I will log once a day to tell whether I was successful or not. My first goal will be success through the end of August and I will go from there. 23 months ago
…in two parts, and I expect that part one will likely take a year to complete.
I am actively working on Part 1, and am excited about getting it done. 23 months ago