meet my soul mate

I think i have a problem, i feel like whenever i get excited for something it won’t happen.. like a new boy… ESPECIALLY a new boy. i feel like if i get too excited its not gonna happen like god thinks im getting too anxious and thinks because im rushing into it (mentally) its not suppose to happen…or i feel like i dont deserve it? i have no idea why im like that i just feel like when good things come or i meet new people i get so excited that i want it to work so bad but then get scared because it might not… maybe pat has something to do with that since thats what has been happening for the past 6 months.. not that i blame him its my own fault i get excited too quick and then it doesnt happen.

:|

i need to be slapt lol.

where the hell are you :|

...but on the off chance there is one for me out in the world, I want to find him.

he’ll be pretty awesome.

anytime soon. I thought the person I’m currently seeing would be, but it doesn’t seem to be going in that direction. I just don’t think that it’s in the cards for me. At least this year.

I love love. So, obviously, I want to meet my soul mate. I think right now he’s between 15 and 19 years old. I dunno. Maybe 14. But the thing is…I think I already know who my soul mate is. I mean, I haven’t met him yet, but I daydream about him all the time. And there is this one person, a friend of mine, that said that when you daydream about your soul mate that they can actually hear you as if you were right next to them…but that’s only if they are your soul mate. I am pretty sure that’s what she said. I mean, she might have said that ANYONE could hear you if you really want them to meet you someday…whatever. I don’t know!

You’ll think I am crazy when I say who my soul mate is: Daniel Radcliffe. I know other girls would say that but they haven’t met him the way I met him…I daydream about him and it ends up being real for me because my friend gave me the Ability. I am not telling you what it is…It’s a secret! Plus, there is all this stuff you have to believe in and not-believe in. I mean, come on. I am not telling you…Comment on this entry if you really want to meet Daniel Radcliffe!

the need to reach a soulmate I tought I had one but I blew It up

My Nikki whom I love dearly is my soulmate, and so much more. Everyday is a new discovery of feelings and affections we have for each other. When I imagine myself without her the world stops turning. People say you know when you meet that person, well I’d like to think Nikki and I knew all along and if we could know everything in that first moment I would have cleared this goal months ago, but thats life, time and love, and I have plenty of both :-).

no time limit on this. but preferably before my thirties!

One option was making a certain amount of money. I found later another option which was optimism and regular monogamous sex. When giving this further thought, I would tend to agree from my previous experience. One of the nicest times of my life was when I lived with someone and we were in a very committed relationship and deeply in love. Ultimately the relationship ended (because he moved on to grad school in Maryland, and on to Belgium, and now in India), and I feel like I’ve been floundering somewhat ever since. I don’t mean floundering in the sense that I haven’t been enjoying my life and having a great deal of fun and learning a ton. But this whole search for romance in Chicago has been quite an odd and depressing game. I thought the search for true love would’ve been a whole lot easier. Instead I’ve met a lot of serial daters, and quite a few dysfunctional people. Love seems sadly elusive these days. There’s hope only in that until I met my previous true love, love seemed elusive up until then, as well.

I wrote a song about him once when I saw a picture of him online ten years after we broke up. I was so struck by his image because it was exactly what he looked like when we were together. Here’s the song:

He flew too close to the subject
His wings melted and he fell to the ground
And though now he knows
That he will always love her
He doesn’t think that she’ll ever come around.

Chorus:
Can’t you see that’s the way the world works
Don’t you know it’ll never be easy all the time
True love’s in space
You’re lucky when it’s in the right place
So over the great wall they’ll climb

He doesn’t know now why he ever left her
He thought it’d be easy to move on
But in her absence his heart’s become a desert
The forced march of a dying swan

He comforts himself now with dead philosophers
But from each page the dust gets in his eyes
But if he stopped deconstructing Kant, Spinoza, and Heidegger
He would probably start to cry.

Chorus 2x: