master appreciation

“True abundance comes not from amassing, but from appreciating.”
- Carter-Scott, author

A good thing to remember.

I once asked about the difference between appreciation and love. I think I’ve found one answer to it:
- appreciation focuses on specific qualities a person has
- love is the appreciation of a person’s whole existence

Do comment if you find this short-sighted or have different approaches to the question.
There could be many more answers. I also got a few interesting and very sensible responses the last time I asked this question, but it still intrigues me.

A friend I met online because of Jim & Michele McCarthy’sCoreC4 Project told me about Appreciative Inquiry. I’ve bought two books and have only just started to investigate, but this approach to organizational development seems to ring true very powerfully even without all the academic research and corporate practice that confirms it works.

Appreciative Inquiry, called AI for short, is a powerful method of building from what’s good in yourself and your company to create the best that’s possible. And it starts with appreciative interviews. From my small exposure, it’s amazing how well this mindset works.

If you want to master appreciation, AI might just be something worth looking into.

I want to strive for continuity. I’m usually so impulsive that I either express so much appreciation for someone that it might feel awkward to them or completely take them for granted, forget birthdays, go for long periods without contacting people etc. Maybe that’s allright, because my friends tend to disappear and reappear as well, but still…
Continual appreciation takes quite an effort, so it’s probably okay if it’s reserved for a select few. But still, I think I should maintain some sort of basic continuity in my relationships. I want to be thoughtful enough to send birthday wishes and maybe call or write at least once a month.

The wonderful thing about appreciation is that it’s spreading happiness and contentment for everyone concerned. Now that I have some free time I have contacted those friends I lost sight of lately and it’s great to know how they’re doing. And it’s nice to seethat I’ve been thought of and missed as well by some.

I took a couple improv classes from Patricia Ryan over a decade ago back at Stanford. Her 2005 book, Improv Wisdom, has inspired me and deepened my understanding of appreciation by showing it in the context of improvisation. In improvisation, the improvisor looks for connections. In her “ninth maxim” chapter, “wake up to the gifts,” she states the simple truth that we are interdependent. She learned this at a week long retreat/class in a temple in Japan back in 1987 where she inventoried all the people she “owed”. In otherwords, she listed all the people that gave to her, or that she troubled or bothered in anyway, as well as what she has given.

It past our official Thanksgiving day in the U.S., but this seemed worth noticing. Thank you Patricia for your wisdom!

I’m a geek… but I like to ride the cutting edge. I’m in Toronto for Agile 2008, a software development conference about practices that deliver better software more quickly. It’s been inspirational.

I attended a couple talks today by Linda Rising. The last one was a three hour workshop about her book Fearless Change: Patterns for Introducing New Ideas. This little workshop has changed my life. I’m so excited about what I learned. It’s like the answer to a prayer. I love new ideas that to me seem like they could save the world, but it’s hard to get my company or co-workers to adopt the new ideas.

Guess what one of the methods is? Yup, appreciation. She calls it “Just Say Thanks”. When she and her co-author taught this in the workshop today, she also shared that studies have shown that people who express appreciation and gratitude live longer, are more successful. She thanked us profusely for choosing her session, as we had many to choose from.

Unfortunately, many of us say thank you by rote so that people don’t know it’s sincere. But it’s not hard to shift that. Just stop, look right at them, and just say thanks. Hand written notes are also an excellent method.

Thank you Linda Rising!

how difficult to appreciate what I don’t understand…

Is it really necessary to appreciate everyone and everything to master appreciation?

I guess appreciation is a specific outlook on life. It must be seeing and promoting the good in everyone and everything (and forgiving the bad – impossible to see only the good).

What’s the actual difference between appreciation and love? Is there one?

until now I have thought of this goal in a rather active, anthropocentric way.
It just occured to me that I should see this goal in a wider context. For one thing, appreciation does not have to start with action… I guess it has to start in thought and result in action.
Another thing is, that I want to include my relationship with God, as well as with nature in this. Starting with silent appreciation that moves on to active appreciation…
It seems impossible to ever be appreciative enough. The good thing about it is that there is always room for expansion :) Can’t possibly become boring.
By the way, I have kept this in mind – not constantly, but now and then – and I think it has effected some minor changes in the way I think and act. Yay!

I like the specific wording of this goal. Even though it might not be possible to master appreciation, I guess it’s good to strive for perfection in this.
I’ve often thought of it the past few weeks. I want to make sure it stays in my mind, so I’ll add it to my list. (Thanks for the inspiration, hajush.)

Appreciating people is probably one of the best things – or maybe even the best thing – I can do for them. Feeling appreciated by others is so crucial to appreciating oneself…
I guess there are many ways to do this. I’ll jot some down which seem especially important to remember:

- listening
- keeping in touch
- compliments and praise
- solicitousness (does it have a negative connotation in English? I hope not :) )
- helping people to achieve what is important to them

It’s quite a challenge…
feel free to suggest any other ways of appreciation!

I’ve come across the research by Dr. John Gottman for some time, but the first time I heard about him was from my wife at least five years ago. His work was featured in the best seller Blink! Using various different metrics studying heart rate, skin resistance, and just taking videos of couples as they talk about challenges in the marriage, he’s been able to code facial expressions and other gestures to such a fine degree, that he has been able to predict with something like 95% accuracy whether a couple would stay together or divorce. He’s been doing this research for decades now.

We’ve been wanting to go to his relationship workshop in Seattle, but he actually sells a DVD and workbook of the same workshop which is much cheaper and involves no hotels or airplanes or long car trips.

The number one message we received so far is that it is so so important that couples spend a lot of time appreciating each other. Big surprise! But to hear it scientifically measured, it’s a good reminder. I highly recommend his work, and the workshop is fantastic and we haven’t finished yet.

Yet another good reason to spend time in appreciation.