do as much as possible with the little time I have

i know now that i do try to do as much as possible, but that’s because i want to learn while still here at uni. i want to learn everything, because it all fascinates me. it makes me happy. so i’m not chasing respect and admiration, it’s actually fulfilling.

i’ve come to realise that “doing as much as possible with the little time i have” is a noble cause, but only if: a) it’s done for the right reasons; and b) that it is not to my detriment.

there was a small part of me that was desperate for recognition for the work that i do, and wanted respect and admiration – but for what? for being a martyr? when i sit and think of it like that, it’s not what i want. and while i’ll continue to work hard, i won’t be doing it for selfish reasons.

i’ve also come to realise that taking too much on is not the best thing for my stress levels. obvious, huh? it wasn’t – not to me… and that’s really sad to see that in words… i put everyone else before me, mostly because i genuinely care for the welfare of others more than my own – but also because i was trying to escape depression, and by throwing myself into eveyrthing and not having any time to myself i didn’t have time to dwell on it. but now i see it for what it is – escapism. it’s not a solution – i have to deal with my depression, my anxiety, my flaws and overcome them. and i’m in the best state of mind to do so.

so while i’m giving up on this goal, it’s not like i’m throwing in the towel. i’m working towards a better goal – taking care of me. before i can adequately help others, i need to help myself.

i want to do everything. i try. but i don’t have enough time. currently i’m working two jobs, studying uni full time (but not attending full time…) and choreographing one show. which is better than where i was four weeks ago – two jobs, three uni subjects, participating in four shows. craziness.

but i want to do more. i feel like i should be doing more.