Learn to deal with grief

It has been almost a year since he has died. I can still think back now and remember what we were doing exactly a year ago today. I can’t say that I have honestly quit counting days since he has died… but I won’t post numbers anymore. I need to quit counting. I thought that writing the book for our daughter would help, I thought that taking pictures would help, We know that talking about it won’t help me. I am still sitting here looking for an answer on why? and I shouldn’t.

Why isn’t there anything that an show me that it will be ok, and everything is ok?

Even though I am ready to move on with my life with our daughter, I keep looking back and it hurts to remember all those happy times we had, and to know that our daughter will never get to experience that happiness with him.

I guess this is why they still call it a learning process.

managing how to deal with grief. Over the last 15 years I have had a lot of grief. Too many family members and friends pass away to count, some naturally and some by other means. No matter how they pass, the initial pain of losing them hurts like hell. For me, I have to ride out the emotions of grief and not fight it. For the first few years, I did put up the fight. It had me spinning in circles. But after some help and learning how to manage my grief.. it sure helps for when the next death comes along.

Mother’s day morning never was ment to be like the one I had when I heard my youngest twin’s voice screaming about the baby’s nose bleeding. I looked over to see my baby’s face covered in blood and she was not breathing. When I finally waved down a person to call the ambulance, I knew that she was gone. Too much time had went by as I ran around trying to get some one in the hotel to call some one for me. too much time had passed, and the nieghbor woman, who I hardly knew, was out of breath trying to blow into the small body and she laid my baby onto the bed right before the flashing lights and sirens came. She was gone and as I rode in the car downtown under investigation, the Sacramento County Child Protective Department was taking my still living children into custody. Now one of my children was dead and the other five taken. I was alone in the empty and trashed hotel room where I had tried to destroy all I could get a hold of after the parametic woman told me, “I am sorry, We can’t do anything for your baby.” After we saw her body burried in what looked to be a shoe box, I did some thing that I swore to never do. I allowed my mother to pursuade me to return home, back to San Diego, where my blood family was. After over ten years, I couldn’t fight any more. When the autopsy on my daughter was completed I was cleared of harming my child, and my other five were back with me, on our way to San Diego. Back to the city where I swore to never return. I left behind my baby, burried under the soil in an umarked grave…I want to go see her…but with bearly enough money to pay the rent, I only have memories of her first smile. Her only smile. And March 29th, we all have a birthday party for the sister no longer here. Have we totally grieved her departure from us? Not long enough, for once we arrived in San Diego all hell broke loose and hasn’t stopped since!

My wife and soulmate of 39 years unexpectedly passed away early in December of 2004. I have been having a hard time dealing with this lost. I do not believe in any after life or any greater power. I believe that we have one chance at our life and I miss her very much. I want to be able to manage my grief (not get over it; I don’t think that that is possible), but be able to go on with my life for my grown children’s sake and the grandkids and step great grandkids.