come out

well a good few people know but there are still a few, think they know but would prefer to be more open about it. Then again, some people can be wierd about that sort of stuff so maybe it’s better if I keep it quite around some people, plus….no need to talk about it while I’m still single :-(

I want to come out alright..But I want all my friends and relatives to understand.I don’t want a situation where I ll have to let go of all the people I love…I want them to be okay with it…

I read my old entries about this subject.. Man I’ve been fucked up :D. The problem was that a year ago I was hanging with THE WRONG CROWD and I was never able to be myself but now I have the best kind of friends who like me just like this and don’t give a shit about who I’m with as long as I’m happy.
The only thing is I still have some people in my life who might not take it that well (all this conservative shit is driving me nuts) but I do think that most people are on “my side” and at the end of the day I don’t think I really give a shit about how someone FEELS about MY SEXUALITY. I don’t give a crap about theirs so why do they bother? But it has been a good year for me and I really have understood that there’s no point in using my energy to worrying, hiding and lying about something that really isin’t anything to worry about. Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

it’s hard b/c of my career, i’m in the army, and there’s the don’t ask don’t tell policy. so i’m basically lying everyday about who I am. Most of my close friends back at home already know, and I eventually want to tell the ‘rents when I go back to the states..but my parents are old fashioned and very religious. It’s also harder to meet other girls b/c I’m always out w/ my military friends, who have no idea about my preferences, except for my one male friend who is totally cool with it. So here I am..in Germany, smack in the middle of Germany, and I can’t truly be myself.

I may have inadvertently outed myself to my mother. It happened yesterday and she hasn’t said anything, though I’m not sure if this is because she genuinely didn’t notice anything amiss or is too mortified/emotionally inept to take me up on it. She’s acting as if nothing happened though and I’m following her lead. For the moment, at least.

Yesterday my girlfriend and I were out shopping in the city centre. Picture the scene… We’re standing in the queue in a shop leaning against each other and linking arms, probably looking every inch the couple as we’re currently in that wonderful cannae-get-enough-of-each-other stage. We’re having a wee cuddle and suddenly over her shoulder I see my mum in the bloody shop! As I later commented quite astutely, I just about shat myself. Quickly jumping away from Jude in a manner I’ll surely recognize as comical once I get over the pure trauma of the situation, I exclaimed that nervous ‘Hi!’ which just oozes… implications.

In hindsight, the whole incident could’ve been rendered much less suspicious had I simply introduced them to each other, something which didn’t occur to my panic-stricken mind at the time. Now I’m sure the impression imparted upon my mother is less ‘Hi mum, this is my pal, we’re out shopping’ and more ‘Hi mum, this is my big queer femme-dyke lover, we’re out shopping, and afterwards we’re going back to hers to have big queer homosex on her living room floor’. :/

Joking aside though, I was freaking out quite a bit. I was taken for a stiff drink and some comforting (in a gay bar of all places!) but still felt really… Hmmm. I just felt like my wee coming-out plan had gone to shit and any control over the situation I once had was now gone. Faced with the reality of having to go home and have that conversation with my mother, I was scared witless and shitless.

When I got home she seemed perfectly normal. I was seeing Ms Robinson later that night and by the time I’d gotten ready to go out there was only half an hour in which to have a talk with her. I decided, quite correctly I feel, that this isn’t enough time in which to have that particular conversation. So we’re back to the question of when... I suspect that my parents have known I’ve been queer since last year but it’s gone unspoken since then. I do feel like I need to ‘come out’ to them properly regardless.

Perhaps it’s best to do it sooner rather than later? I’m not sure how my mum would react… She doesn’t seem particularly homophobic but then I’ve always felt she’s been disappointed that I was never the ‘normal’ girly girl she wanted me to be. She is quite patronizing towards me because of my age so I expect she’ll dismiss my sexuality as ‘a phase’ and all that guff. I have a good support network though and if the worse comes to the worst several people have space on their couches (including my dad, who I expect will be totally fine with it and not really care either way as long as I’m happy). So aye… Wish me luck I guess?

This one is a bit difficult. All the people I consider to be close friends know I’m queer, not because I’ve explicitly ‘come out’ to them, it’s just come up quite naturally and casually. And as most of my friends are in anarchist/feminist/’alternative’ circles (with a pleasant degree of overlap), it’s not like anyone has a problem with my sexuality. The difficulty, then, is in telling my family.

I’m pretty sure both my parents (who are separated, which does make the situation a bit more delicate) have at the very least an inkling regarding my fanny-fiddling ways as I was in a long-distance relationship with another girl for nearly a year and a half – daily three-hour phone conversations and resultant bills are quite difficult to hide. Nevertheless, the subject has gone unmentioned which isn’t too surprising considering my family’s seeming inability to have an actual conversation about feelings and related gubbins.

My sexuality is an important aspect of me as a person, influencing not just my relationships but my politics, the kind of projects I get involved in, and just generally who I am really. That’s not to say that it defines me but it is a part of who I am, a part I wish I could share with my family.

The question, then, is precisely how to ‘come out’. Coming out as gay isn’t something I’m completely happy about but I suspect it will have to do as far as my parents are concerned. I much prefer ‘queer’ as it implies a rejection of fixed sexual and gender identities, among other things, but I reckon I should leave more in-depth discussion for later. The classic “I’m gay” may have to suffice at the present time.

I do feel it quite necessary to do it though. I’ve felt like I’ve been leading a double life for quite a while now, not just due to my sexuality but because of our whole family dynamic and the extent to which we share things with each other (ie. not at all). It does get a bit tiring though, having to switch from being this out-there radical queer boi engaging in some delightful debauchery with my girlfriend to returning home to be this frankly asexual… child, almost. In an exchange with my mother the other day I learned she does actually still consider me to be a child, which was as shocking as it was offensive. And therein lies the rub; merging those two lives into one, bringing my parents into the former (though I feel a general summary will be sufficient!).

Regarding the question of when... I think it’s definitely wise to leave such discussions until after I move out of my mum’s flat. Which, if all goes according to plan, will be in about six months’ time, before the start of my second year at uni. ‘Spose that gives me plenty of time to figure out what I’m gonna say then…

I started coming out to a lotttt more people. It’s easier now that i know i’m DEFINITELY a lesbian. not bi. hooking up with guys doesn’t make me straighter…. nothing can do that.

it’s just bull that when i go to college i have to do it all over…. =[

When I’m ready. It is hard to explain sometimes.

I’ve told my best friends and they are totally cool with it. I told my mom but then I said just kidding and told her that I just wanted to see what she would say. She was also cool. But I’m getting there. The other day I wore a gay pride button to school but I don’t know what people thought about that…

I love it when guys are into me enough to try and started figuring me out. This always starts with the “find out if she’s a lesbian” game.

It’s never direct – no one flat out asks me. Ever. They do things, make comments, ask roundabout questions. “How do you feel about gay people?” “So, I watched this lezbo porn the other day…” “I think that girl’s hot. How about you?” I usually avoid answering the question, or I answer in a way as to create more ambiguity (hey, sometimes the girl is hot – I can’t lie about it!).

Perhaps this is a cruel thing to do. I rather hate the idea of stringing someone along. It’s strange, because sometimes I actually like the like the guy I’m talking to. As in, like-like. It’s hard to admit it. How are you supposed to say something like, “I’m really into you, but I never want to touch you?” Most people don’t know “asexuality” out of the context of single-celled animals.

Oh, well. I’m scrape up the courage to answer truthfully. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth—so help me God.

And I sure do need a lot of help.