Two days remain in 2011. New Year’s Day is only really a marker of time if you choose for it to be so. In reality it is just another day, not imbued with anymore power or energy to transmute the lead of last year into the gold of next year than is any other day of the week or year.
But I have always chosen January 1st as a segregation point seperating where I am going from where I have been. So as I contemplate this year past and draw intentions for this year coming, I do so with a mixture of gladness and regret.
I’m glad to be working again full-time, even over-time. I’m glad I experienced no severe health crisises during the year. I’m glad no hardships befell me or my family, and that everyone ends the year safe and healthy and prosperous. I’m glad my wife’s goals and desires manifested in her going back to school and getting braces. I’m glad her illness has not progressed and remains well-managed. I’m glad we have held together and remained a couple and that she loves me. I’m glad we remain committed to wanting the same things, and enjoying the same things. I’m glad I still have a faraway friend who continues to be a rock of support and encouragement no matter what.
I regret the hurt and worry I’ve caused various people this year. I regret some actions I have taken and some actions I have not taken. I regret the discovery that some friends were not as friendly as they seemed, that some people are great talkers but poor doers, and that more people seem to want things from me rather than want things for me. I regret that someone who has in many, many ways been a true and loyal friend can’t be my friend anymore, and it is as much my fault as it is theirs.
I’m glad for the goals I reached and I regret the ones I did not reach. But maybe the ones I did not reach were not meant for me. Maybe 2011 was not meant for me. I said somewhere that 2011 was, for me, the “year that wasn’t”. A friend suggested that it might be “the year it all began”. I don’t think that’s how I see it. I could see 2012 being the “year it all began” and let 2011 be the “year it all ended”. There is a lot I’d like to put behind me. One thing is the way I deal with things. Things have happened; things will continue to happen. I’m tired of holding up a mirror of self-inspection and seeing some one else’s reflection, the image of what other people expect. I have two visions of myself at times: the one everybody wants me to be, and the one I truely am(whom I often despise). They cannot coexist. One must become truth and one must fade into illusion. I will be glad if, in 2012, I can go all year without any regret for being whatever version of me I truely am.
What does this mean for my use of 43Things? Can’t say for sure, but I do feel I will be changing the way I use this site and my lists of goals. I certainly want to keep following the many wonderful people here and cheer and support their strides to reach their goals, and to be there for support when things are not so great in their lives and they are struggling. And I think 2012 and things that I have envisioned are going to call for me to be, if not more self-forgiving, at least less self-condemning. So I plan to let go of a lot. Time to let go of remorse and guilt and regret. To let go of other’s expectations and requirements and measurements. Let go of those dreams and thoughts and things that do not serve me and what I want. Time to let go of all those precious, vital, slippery, worthless things I’ve been clutching at for so long.
As the year that wasn’t ends and the year it all begins commences, it is time to let go. It will be okay. 17 months ago