I think the major lies of the enemy have been exposed by God’s Truth and have been dealt with or are being dealt with, so I’ll mark this as done.

However, I know daily there are lies I believe that my Belief Garden needs constant weeding.

To spend time in God’s Word daily, to pray without ceasing, to worship God daily are some of the things needed to expose lies and to defeat their power in my life. So, onward Christian soldier . .. 10 months ago

I had this dream last night and it was filled with snakes, like bundles of snakes, like Medusa’s hair. They were smaller snakes, but they had fangs. Some actually looked happy. They were young, but not baby snakes, all intertwined.

There were snakes all around and there was this bundle of snakes that ended up attaching itself to me, but they were not able to bite me, nor harm me. The big snakes nearby were too lazy to get me but they were there.

Snakes typically represent lies.

When I awoke, I asked God what lies I was believing in. I felt I was walking in God’s Truth, but God gently talked to me throughout the day.

Throughout the day, He revealed that I have many beliefs that are not consistent with who God is:

• Some are regarding my children, that without an earthly father, they are incomplete and fall prey to statistics of children who grow up without a dad.
• That I have to strive financially.
• That I’m too old and that I’m too much for any man, especially godly man, to love me, to commit to my kids and I, to want me, to marry me.
• That I need a man.
• That I don’t need a man.
• That I’ll never be slenderly fit & healthy.
• That I’ll never be financially well off again.
• That I’m not good enough.
• That I’ll never be able to live the dreams that have been in my heart almost all my life.
• That I have to be realistic.
• That God will do these certain things for me, but not others because I’m not good enough.

Logically I know these are all lies, but I’ve been living those lies.

Anyway, as I went to my life group (small group) this evening, the 2 women I was with in a prayer group, they both had so many things to praise God for and in super big ways. I know both of these women well and have seen them walk over the years and I can say that God is miraculously doing some incredible things in their lives, breaking them free from things that have held them in slavery for so long.

They both talked about striving and I’m very performance based. As I got in my car to drive home, me living the furthest away, I turned the radio onto either K-LOVE or Air1. Tenth Avenue North came on with the song called, “By Your Side”. I’ve heard this song over many times and it was just a song.

With the first stanza, it felt like God was speaking to me. God often either whispers to me, or He speaks through music. He does speak in other ways, but often these are 2 modes that I relate to really well. Before the entire first verse was over, I was in tears driving.

What are the odds the very lies I’ve been believing and living out were spelled out in that song, and that that song would come on at exactly the right time. Normally, the time I left life group, I would already be home. I was about 45 min. late leaving.

The words go like this.

Tenth Avenue North
By Your Side lyrics
Songwriters: GRADWOHL, JORG / HENRY, CHRISTOPHER / MEW, DARREN JAMES

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don’t turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I’ll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don’t fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world’s sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I’ll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)

Anyway, if you want to checkout their video on YT, it’s at: By Your Side13 months ago

My whole life I’ve been taught to be independent, but the fact is, that is a complete lie. I am 100% dependent on God for everything. That doesn’t mean I sit back and do nothing and expect God to wait on me hand & foot, rather it’s the mindset and attitude as I do anything or approach anything in life.

I tend to just sometimes be like a bull in a China shop. Funny, I’m Chinese, maybe I’m a Chinese bull! LOL.

God is at work all around us period, whether we acknowledge it or not. I can join in on what He’s doing or not. As I go do things, whatever it is, realizing that I need God through it all. There were things I took for granted once, my youth, and though I’m physically quite capable of so much, things are different in your 40s than in your 20s. They are not necessarily worse, rather just different.

I no longer think I’m invincible, nor that I am disconnected to the world, rather connect. There is a Butterfly Effect. Sometimes we don’t realize what we have until we don’t have it or that it’s damaged. A simple thing would be maybe hurting the side of your thumb, just a small 1” section on my left hand (I’m right handed).

Since I type a lot, this would seriously impact the way I type, speed, and even focus. This happened to me a couple months ago and for a couple weeks, this was so annoying and bothersome. I didn’t really think I used my left thumb THAT much. I so relied and was very contientious that God is my healer and I needed to lean on Him to heal me.

Granted, there are probably a zillion things I forget about God on, but He gently reminds me.

As I walk through my bringing my sugars down, dropping bodyfat, getting healthier & fitter, it’s God that is at work. Yes, I do have to make right choices, take actions continually in the right direction for a long enough time to get the results I want. I have to physically do that. But, without the Lord really giving me willpower, or maybe it’s blocking my past desires & addictions, this would be even harder.

This morning, I feel so pukey. Though I do not feel like my energy is dipping like a sugar crash, the pukiness makes me want to just go lie down. I’ve been dealing with higher blood pressures and not sure why. It may be a couple things like need my electrolytes balanced, and the base of my skull has had a lot of tension, which is another source of headaches, which I’ve been getting.

I’ve been using my thumbs to work through that skull/neck tension and began icing it down yesterday. That area is still pretty sore and I think that’s the main thing that’s making me feel pukey and wanting to sleep. Whenever I have big working through of tension (trigger points) in my body, it requires a lot of rest.

Leaning on God for as much as I can remember, and that includes my thoughts, attitudes, basic things like breathing, driving, etc.

I want to live feeling the presence of God, pleasing Him all the time, being totally and utterly consciously dependent upon Him for everything. Funny, when I do that, I am extremely productive and have a pretty good attitude. 16 months ago

Today and earlier this week, I deleted LOTS of podcasts, nearly 25 GB worth of podcasts of sermons I had from Joel O’Steen, Joyce Meyer and the various pastors from the Living Word Church. That’s a lot of sermons.

But, I decided today that I no longer want a watered down Gospel of the Bible, because it is a complete lie of the enemy. Rather, I want the intense meat of the Bible, not watered down, because that is not the real thing.

This year, I haven’t been able to stomach any of the sermons from these people. Joyce Meyer’s stuff was less fluff than the other 2, but since doing a Read Thru the Bible with my children, I no longer desire a pat view of Christianity, rather I need hardcore equipping in spiritual warfare to live this life and to live powerfully.

Each of these people have super big mega following. Maybe I’m wrong, but God isn’t a cosmic genie for us to use to get what we want. He is Holy. He is omnipotent. He can do whatever He wants, and that fact that He wants to interact with us, mere sinful beings, is beyond my comprehension.

We are to serve God, not the other way around.

Often what I have noticed about a Word of Faith type Gospel is that it’s a “What’s in it for me?” mentality. When people come to Jesus, they expect He’s going to do these things for them. Sometimes it seems like it does happen, but what happens when it doesn’t?

I prayed to God to have Him restore my marriage while I was still married. It didn’t happen. I prayed for my finances and in turn, lost everything and even more. I prayed for a number of good things to happen, but they didn’t. So, where is this god that they speak of?

God is still very good and He is still God. There is suffering, but somewhere in that suffering, if we really search for Truth and willing to walk through whatever, God is there. He still does care. God does ordain marriage, but He also gives free will. We are not puppets.

My ex-husband had free will to stay married to me, or not. He chose not and God was not going to force him to stay married to me. Thus, my marriage ended in divorce, another statistic.

In the process of that, as well as where I am now, as the lies are being exposed about the life I’ve led, my beliefs, all this stuff, I’m finding who God really is. I don’t think if all of a sudden I totally knew God as He really is, that I could stand it. It would probably kill me.

I feel much better now. Feels like some more junk has been cleared out. I also deleted any audiobooks I had of these preachers. It took a bit because I had a lot of audiobooks. Thankfully I had them all labeled correctly so I could systematically delete them. I will soon be getting rid of their books, when I get to this. That was another 6+ GB of space freed up.

Wow, hard to believe that I had 31+ GB worth of watered down stuff that I have filled my mind with. I’m glad to be rid of those. This gives room for God to fill with who He really is.

Thank you, Papa! 19 months ago

Many of us believe and live in lies, including myself. We live in a sinful world where none of us live in complete truth, though, some do live in more truth than others.

We lie to ourselves and say that we’re thinner than we are, or that we didn’t spend as much as we did, or that we’re busy because we really are busy rather than avoiding something, or procrastinate about doing this and that because we have an excuse.

As I look back at the things that I’ve maybe yoyo’d on success with, I realize that there is something holding me back. What? Since I believe there is definitely a spiritual realm which exists good and evil, I believe there is greater influences here than many people would like to admit.

I’ve repeatedly shared some of the same things that I can’t truly get past – consistently exercise for the long haul without being obsessed or lazy, eat healthy for what my body truly needs, have healthy male relationships, financial success long-term. Why is this? Is it because I’m less capable? No. Is it because I’m less equipped? No. Is it because I lack knowledge? No.

A godly friend of mine that I spoke with the other day said that all these issues and more are spiritually related and to begin looking for an event(s) that started it all. I prayed and asked the Holy Spirit what this is.

Earlier this year there were a couple events in my childhood that I couldn’t shake. Though they were bad things that happened, it wasn’t the worst thing that could happen and in the end, everything worked out fine. I didn’t know why I kept remembering those incidents, one which occurred when I was about 3 and the other when I was 18.

But, as I began to pray and repent, pour out my heart to Jesus in prayer, the Holy Spirit revealed for the image when I was 3 that I had been bound by the demon of abandonment. That influence of that demon in my life (I was not possessed by it) was so strong that I felt unloved and abandoned for most of my life, and acted like it, often working like a lone ranger on things.

I’m not going to share all the details then, but I also did some physical spiritual cleansing of my home that I could do. I do not believe we have any objects in the parts of the house we live in that we are not supposed to.

Something broke then spiritually, in terms of bondage. I have not felt those lonely abandoned feelings that I had always felt. My familiar friend that I had lived with my whole life was not a good friend and that relationship was severed. Yippee because that is NOT the kind of friendship you want to have with any demon, yet many people do.

It’s like getting used to an extra 5 lbs on your body, then another 5 lbs and another 5 lbs over the years and next thing you know you’re 30 lbs overweight. That weight has become a dear familiar friend to you.

To be continued . . . 20 months ago

I know that I am meant to be a slender, healthy, fit woman. Right now, I’m definitely not slender, rather overly voluptuous. I’m fairly healthy, but I know if I were to be able to drop my bodyfat to 18% or below, get my hormones working well again, it would help my health a great deal to go from good to excellent. I’m alright fit, but in some ways, I’m less fit the past few years because I haven’t regularly exercised for longer periods of times usually more than 1-3 months, then I fall off the wagon and yoyo.

I know inside of me there is a woman that can be fit without being extreme and having to do workouts where she’s sore for days on end and can barely move. As pleasant as that is, it can be a deterrant to continuing regularly.

Though I’m not a binge or compulsive eater, I have often eaten the wrong foods for my body. I do eat organics and do my best to stay away from gluten, foods too processed, white flour or refined sugar, but that’s not good enough.

I just need to really eat a diet that is low in sugar, unless it’s the meal right after a workout, when my body can burn the sugars quickly. If my body doesn’t burn the sugars, then it converts it to fat. I don’t need more fat.

There must be a lie or multiple lies that I’m believing that keep me stuck with excess fat. I know I’m not obese or any of that, but where I am right now, which I’m guessing my bodyfat is now more than 25%, probably closer to 30%, but less than where I was a year ago this time.

If only I didn’t crave the starches and the sugar. My body doesn’t really need a lot of starch to live. It might need more when I’m down at the 15% bodyfat level, but where I am right now, it doesn’t.

Maybe I make the excuse that I’m Chinese and I need the rice. Don’t know. 22 months ago

Okay, this topic is a bit different than what I thought they were, but listening to Katie Souza talking about this, this helps me to better understand what I’ve been going through. I’m not going to go through everything about what she talks about because it does sound a little strange if you’re not into this type of stuff.

I can’t say that I agree with 100% of what she says from what I know of the Bible, but I agree with about 95% of what I’ve heard and she has a lot of Scripture to back this up with. The rest I need to pray about and ask God to help me discern what is from Him and what is from Katie that isn’t of God.

Healing one’s soul wounds helps release you from the bondage you or others are in, so these things no longer bound you. But, as long as you have that wound, it gives you a commonality with non-godly forces. If you have no ties, then those bonds are no longer there.

I am excited to learn more about this stuff. A friend of mine gave me some CDs of hers that she got at a conference. It’s good stuff. Katie Souza has quite a colorful background and has been miraculously transformed.

She knows a great deal about the Bible and thankfully, after years of studying and reading, I’m not so easily swayed and except for this one thing, everything else jives with my knowledge of Scripture.

I so want to be released from the bondages I’ve been facing and to be free, so I can live the destiny God has for me without these weights. I am way freer than I was 4 yrs ago, but I can feel financially and some areas like exercise & eating some strongholds. What those off and out of my life. It’s a drag to run the race with chains/weights. 22 months ago

Someone IM’d me today that I had been friends with as a trader for the past 2-3 yrs. I didn’t know him real well, only through trading arenas. Recently I shared some personal stuff about my life with him, which was a big mistake. He turned out to be a first class jerk.

Today in chat he asked me if I had big boobs. How he asked was even more crass. The conversation had nothing to do with anything that would warrant such a question. I have never flirted with this person nor had any type of conversation that would suggest to this man that I would be alright with any type of discussion of this sort. It’s typically always about business.

I told him his question was rude. He replied that he was a rude boy. I further said his question was offensive and he told me to get over it and then commented that if something so small offended me, no wonder why my life is a mess.

Okay, yes, my life is a mess, but I’ve been cleaning it up. It’s been a mess because I’ve tolerate crappy people like him in my life and thought I needed them, and let them into my life so I can allow them to make a mess of things.

But, NO WAY! I took a stand a year ago I wasn’t going to take any crap from any man (or person) that didn’t add value to my life. No self-respecting person would truly want to be objectified whether they are a man or woman.

This does not mean I’m a male basher and will get offended by every comment a man makes, but I believe you invite what you will put up with. I don’t want men in my life who all they see is a pair of boobs or a hole to stick their filth in. Sorry, but I’m worth way more than that and I’m not tolerating trash people like that.

I have very definite boundaries and will not give chance after chance to prove yourself to me.

Having good manners and being respectful of others, even if to a fault is better than not. I value who I am, and I now take immediate action when I see that I am not being treated how I deserve to be treated.

I realize it is not up to me to teach someone good manners, or to change them. That is up to them.

Because I won’t tolerate or entertain a man asking me about my boobs does not mean I’m uptight, rather, it means I have standards & respect for myself and putting it to action. 2 years ago

Today I tapped on quite a few of Brad Yate’s YouTube videos on these topics as well as some other topics. I do feel better and my headache isn’t nearly as bad as this morning or yesterday or day before where my head wanted to explode.

It’s not even 7 pm and my kids are just about finished with their homework. My kids corrected me in front of the therapist telling me that I was wrong – my son said we watch more than 1 hr of TV every 6 months, basically calling me a liar. I didn’t like that.

I asked him when the last time we turned on the TV to watch TV this year. He said it’s been once that he can recall. Well, we’re going towards the end of 5 months and I’m pretty sure we didn’t watch TV in Nov & Dec due to the busyness of those months. I guess that my estimation of 1 hr, which we didn’t even watch for the full hour, is pretty good?

Then, my daughter corrected me regarding homework that it doesn’t take 2-3 hrs a night. Well, the therapist left at 4:45 pm. It’s now almost 7 pm and that makes it a bit over 2 hrs. This is a good night. Often we are going into 7-9 pm for homework.

Sure, if my kids would just sit down and not drag out their homework or do sloppy work or misread problems or directions or get wrong answers, yes, homework could probably be done in 1 hr. My son often has to rewrite his homework because I can’t tell what language he’s writing in. I feel it’s my job to help my son show excellent, neat work.

My daughter continually gets math problems wrong. She may have 30-40 problems to do a night, but she ends up getting 10-20 problems wrong. Then, she scrunches up her work, then she has to rewrite everything.

I reiterate to my kids that if you do it carefully, neatly, leave enough room between math problems, it would take far less than doing whatever it is 2+ times. Plus, I’m not sitting there lording my presence over them. I’m working on my own “homework”.

My daughter often starts this crying this while she’s doing homework if she doesn’t get it. I guess it’s her coping mechanism, but it’s annoying as heck. She can’t add or realize the word “AND” means “Add” and then she starts to cry. This drags this out.

I told her if she starts crying, then it makes her mind all cluttered and she can’t think. So a problem that should take maybe 2 min. to do now is taking her 10-15 min. to do.

I’m thinking I’m a saint for just being annoyed, not raising my raising my voice and having patience.

Anyway, I’m just babbling. I’m tired. 2 years ago