Visit my grandfather

Visiting my grandfather was the most important thing I could do this past year. He passed away about a week after I left him, so had I not gone to visit him, I would have never had the opportunity to say my last goodbye. Take advantage of the time you have left with those you love, especially those that are elderly. It’s worth every penny!

During my short stay in South Korea, I visited my grandfather. He’s living with my oldest aunt and her family in a small unit.

I don’t know what I felt at first. It is difficult to distinguish between what I was feeling and what I thought I was feeling. Was it pity? Was it sadness? Was it pain? I don’t really know and even after I type up the final word to this entry, I’m sure I still won’t have a clue.

He didn’t remember my face. To be more precise, he didn’t remember me. But that was okay, that wasn’t what troubled me.

I looked at him lying there..on the bare floor with his head propped on a pillow placed on top of a huge roll of toilet paper. He had a look on his face which gave me the impression that he was weary. Weary of life but unable to decide when he’d let go; when he’d give in..

In a cramped apartment which reeked of urine, he lay there covered in a blanket that needed to be washed. His pillow was positioned in front of a refrigerator door and he was surrounded by matchsticks all broken in half by an old man who did nothing but lie on the floor the whole day. He was someone who the world had forgotten about long ago. Worse enough, he was someone who his own family had forgotten about long ago.

And suddenly, I felt disgust towards all my aunts and uncles..how could his own flesh and blood neglect him like that? Like he was some kind of burden? Undoubtedly everyone was too busy with their own lives to pay him much thought. Perhaps, even, counting down the days till they’d be rid of a man who was no longer of any use to them..

Although I barely know my grandfather, when I first looked into his eyes..at that point in time, I had all the love in the world for him. I wanted to do something for him. I wanted to do something which my aunts and uncles had failed to do. But I didn’t do anything, I didn’t know what to do. I just sat there like an idiot. I attempted to make conversation but he remained silent for most of the time.

After an hour of pure silence and tension, another aunt called me (who I was staying with at that time) telling me to come home and as I was leaving, he stood up and followed me and grabbed hold of my arm.

‘Tell Min Kyung I miss her.’

To hear him say that…it made my heart bleed a little. He didn’t associate my mother with me. He said her name and that made it all the more meaningful.

I was surprised. I didn’t expect an 86 year old man to still harbour such intense emotions like love and longing in his weakened heart. Now that I reflect back on it, I realise it was stupid of me to think that. I had no reason to be surprised. No reason at all. Love doesn’t fade with age.

Does it?

I don’t even know for sure 100% if he is still alive or not

Unfortunately he died before I could make time to see him. I will regret that for the rest of my life.

Please, everyone who’s doing this – book your plane ticket now. Or call. Or something, because it’s so painful knowing you are too late

Because he has just gone into hospital and probably won’t come out. And I have so many things to tell him and ask him. I’m putting this on my 43things because otherwise I will put it off, because I don’t want to face that it’s going to be the last time.

I have to stop typing now because this is not the sort of workplace where one can cry into one’s keyboard :)

I don’t know. He seems happy and that’s what I wanted to find out. I seemed to be a nuisance to him though since he didn’t know who I was and no matter where I was standing I was blocking the tv screen and agitating him. He didn’t know who my dad was, so I doubt he’ll ever remember me. The nurses seem like they know how to relate to him better than we do. I probably won’t visit him anymore.