deliberate

I was to meet Venkat (my yoga guru) at the gym yesterday at 11:00 am. We work out together on Saturday and Sunday.

When I reached the gym, I saw a cute little kitty (more than a kitten, not quite a cat) lying splat at the center of the outdoor entrance that leads to the gym. Kitty’s tail was darkened with the fur falling off. Unlike stray kitties she did not run away when I approached. She did not move. I looked closer. Her tail was swollen and hurt at the very top, at the section attached to her body. I sat down near kitty to pet her. She mewed softly and weakly, but with no fear. She tried to move closer to me. She could not move her rear legs, she had to drag her lower body along the floor and hobble on her fore legs. She had the sweetest expression on her face, despite being in pain, as she cuddled up to me, and let me tickle her under her neck. I could see that she had been hurt quite a few days ago – probably run over – and had not been able to hunt or forage for food. She looked thin and hungry. I called Venkat who was already at the gym to come out to join me. I requested him to wait with kitty. I went to the restaurant attached to the gym and got some fish for kitty. After feeding her, I called the Blue Cross (animal shelter and hospital) and asked if I could bring kitty over. They agreed.

Venkat said he would come with me. So we picked up kitty, who nestled trustingly in my arms and carried her to my car. Usually cats react in terror in a moving vehicle. This one just lay next to me as the car moved, not reacting beyond cuddling as close as she could get and mewing a few times as if to say “I know you mean well.”

During the journey, I stroked kitty and spoke to her. I asked Venkat if we should give kitty a name. I suggested “Survivor” Since Kitty was Indian, I asked Venkat, “What is sanskrit for survivor?” He said he did not know. That was the precise moment at which kitty emptied her bladder. I felt the hot liquid seep into the fabric of my pants. Cats are very clean creatures. Their instinct is to go outdoors to urinate, thenn cover up urine with earth with their hind legs and move away immediately. Kitty despite her injuries, dragged herself away from me and the urine until she was too tired to move anymore.

I carried her into the hospital at the animal shelter and set her down on the table for the vet to examine. For the first time since I found her, she started struggling. The vet said that she had been injured about a week to ten days ago. Necrosis had set in in her tail, which would need to be amputated. He also said she had been paralysed in her rear body and her kidneys may have been impacted. When cats or dogs are injured and drag their lower body along the ground this tends to happen. That explained to me why kitty had urinated in the car. She had lost bladder control.

The vet asked me to carry her into another room in the shelter. They were understaffed and he wanted one of us to hold kitty down. I broke into tears. I had found it difficult to hold down kitty while he touched her tail earlier, because she had reacted in pain to the merest touch. Venkat took over and I stepped outside.

I thought they would anaesthetize her and amputate the tail. All the vet did was to apply medication on the tail and then cage her. Since I had just fed her, they could not giver her anaesthesia.

I asked if I could contribute money for kitty’s treatment, so that she could receive extra care and attention. They said they would not accept money for any one animal. They would look after kitty with the same level of care as for any other animal there, whether I paid or not. If I chose to give money it would go into the coffers of the institution. I emptied my wallet and left all the money I was carryong with them. Venkat topped it up to reach Rupees 2000 (a mere US$ 50 or so).

The manager of Blue Cross is an elderly man. He had watched kitty’s arrival from the very beginning. He approached us to thank us for the donation. He offered to take us to the cat shelter to look at the healthy cats there. After the visit, he said “Why do you get emotional? Emotions do not help. Do all you can with a calm mind. Acts are all that count.” He apologised too saying his intent was not to offend. I think it was an exceelent lesson. Running away from assisting the vet did not help kitty. My tears were useless.

I hope she is put down quickly if her injuries are untreatable, rather than suffer needlessly. My stronger hope is that she recovers. I just looked up survivor in the sanskrit dicstionary. The closest synonym is Uttarajivan. That translates literally to higher life.

Adi, Balaji and I made an unlikely trio at the City Center Mall (pic above) yesterday.

Adi is all of 26.

Balaji and I are considerably more. CONSIDERABLY.

Balaji wore a happy smile and this Tee when we picked him up. Mere wishful thinking. Balaji’s wife and daughter are at their hometown for the summer holidays.

Adi was rueing that he meets no pretty girls. He blamed the city for having a short supply. Balaji told him that hanging out with people like us (CONSIDERABLY older, married) was not exactly conducive to meeting any.

I said “Especially when girls attentions are grabbed by Tees whose wearers are in no position to do anything with such attention.”

I meant, Adi’s already lousy odds given the drought conditions he claimed the city was experiencing, were even lousier if he had to walk all day next to that Tee.

Adi and I told Balaji he had no business wearing that Tee.

Balaji said everyone would take one look at him and figure out it meant “I have a single wife and single child.”

We were not convinced.

He offered to swap the Tee with Adi for his shirt.

Width of Balaji = 2 X Width of Adi. (Balaji = 80% of allowable human male width. Adi = impossible)

So that did not seem like a good idea.

He offered to draw an arrow pointing to his left and walk to the right of Adi all day.

Now this seemed like a good idea. But some other topic caught our fancy and we did not get around to scouting for a suitable writing implement.

Adi is still single.

I have deliberated. Balaji is responsible.

I am myopic and astigmatic. Have been since I was a little girl. I have worn contact lens for many years now.

Recently, a friend got lasik done. I signed up for lasik the instant I saw him sans glasses thinking “Wow!”:
a. No cleaning lens every night (I need toric lens that are not available as daily disposables in India yet)
b. No battling to stay awake on flights because I have lens in my eyes
c. No waking up and then waking up hubby because I cannot see well enough to find my glasses

I started reading up on lasik after signing up for the procedure. Much, much after, actually. Yesterday after a fortnight of not using lens (and not reading up on lasik), I went for my appointment to get tests done. They indicated I was a good candidate for PRK using excimer laser. The procedure was scheduled for today. “Are you sure you don’t want to think about it for a while?” asked the eye surgeon. “No.” I said with confidence. I wanted to get it over with. The bulk of the reading up, I did yesterday, after the effect of the pupil dilation for the tests had worn off.

Now I need to rewind a bit.
The eye surgeon asked me after the tests, “So you reach out for your glasses before you pick up the phone?” and I nodded. He said, “If you do this procedure, you wont need to look for your glasses in the middle of the night when you wake up to go to the toilet.” I grinned. He explained the procedure to me and the risks. “Any questions?” he asked me. “Why do people do this? I asked him. “Vanity.” he replied. “Oh, I am very vain.” I said. That seemed so conclusive a reason. He warned me that since I am almost 40, I may need to wear reading glasses for hyperopia in due course.

My mum and hubby tried not to fret, but I could tell they were worried. Hubby called everyone he knew who had got lasik done to ask about pros and cons. My mum fretted in silence but the vibes got through to me.

I could not sleep all night. What if I lost my eyesight? The statistics indicate this hardly happened and when it did, it happened to those that did not follow post op instructions. Yet…it had happened!

This morning my mum who could not keep her concern bottled up any longer asked “Are you sure you need to do this? Why can’t you wear glasses?”

So I sat down to deliberate:
a. Cleaning lenses every night is a small price to pay compared to risks of surgery. I am very comfortable while wearing lenses. All this is about is laziness on the inserting and un-inserting process which takes less than 5 minutes each.
b. I can wear glasses on flights or in circumstances when there is a risk of falling asleep with lens in my eyes.
c. I can make a “regular” place for my glasses instead of having to search for them every morning.
d. I spend a lot of my life reading, so if hyperopia is round the corner, what exactly am I achieving?

So you see, I did deliberate. Only it was about 45 minutes before I was due to leave for the hospital.

I called the hospital and cancelled the process. “Why?” the person who answered the phone wanted to know.

“I am chicken.” I said.

“Pardon?” he asked. Remembering that I was not at the largely North American 43T, I said again “I am scared.” He laughed and hung up.

Now, I need to apologize to the eye surgeon. I am deliberating again:

a. Call him and apologize / thank.
b. Send him a text message saying “After a sleepless night spent imagining the laser shave off wrong bits of my eyeball as I thrash my head and much else from freaking on the operating table, I decided to call this off. My vanity is exceeded only by my cowardice. I have also crossed off all elective procedures including botox, liposuction and face lifts so that I do not waste further time of the medical community. Thank you for your kindness. Apologies.”

The pros for a. are (my mum told me long ago) I should preferably not do something like this, and if I do, then I owe a “personal” communication. The cons are that he is a very busy man and calls may only be a further imposition.

b. is a nice alternative to a. so it does not get any pros and cons.

I think this is the kind of goal that Mous will pick to make fun of. Since I am a co-Slightly Offer I am banking on some leniency points.