Love fearlessly

I am obsessed with the fact i think my partner is going to cheat on me.. I hate that feeling.. I know he loves me but I feel like sometimes its too good to be true I am waiting for it to fuk up.. waiting to get brought to my knees and hurt.. again.. I hate feeling this way its exhausting and its shit for him too… I HATE BEING SO INSECURE!!

this is it:
www.xkcd.com/201

I love her.

Next time I will know better. He ended our relationship this morning. What could I have said, he had already made up his mind. I am not sure what to do now, I could hang out single and learn to love myself, that is never a bad idea. Fall in love with myself. I could go out tonight and join in the dance. Inside, I am hurt, I want to cry and sometimes it feels like it is all going to come out and it doesn’t. It’s as if I knew what was coming and when he ended it, he released me gently. I think he is the sensitive one. It is an illusion and when you look deeper you can see- I am the one who is insensitive. I have been changed and I love him for having opened my eyes. Nothing ever stays the same, we might cross paths one day, on a clear, sunny day.

“Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.”
- Steven Wright

I have this way of seeing things as black or white. When I am upset or hurt instead of just expressing my opinion or saying that i am hurt, i either yell and argue until I have said every single awful, hurtful or ridiculous thought on my mind; or i go inwards and don’t say anything and walk away from the other person. What do I do now? I don’t want to talk things out because there is an underlying issue, should i just let it go, maybe i should.

this is hard, letting go, having faith and keeping the relationship exciting. it has been a little over 3 months and i am feeling much more comfortable, my thoughts about the relationship suddenly combusting have subsided. this is only my second real, serious, boyfriend-girlfriend relationship and the first one, i spent the second half fighting, breaking up and getting back together.

For me this is hard to do. It is about trusting someone else with your heart. Before I met my boyfriend, I dated and went on dates and I was always in control. I started the relationship and I ended it. I rarely opened up and only shared things on a superficial level. With my boyfriend now, if I want to continue I am going to have to open up and share. I think we both have issues with trust so it is hard for both of us. our dating is still pretty structured and that is fine with me because I am in no hurry to open up. having said that he met one of my friends last week and it went well. I think he had a little crush on her. I guess it’s going to be baby steps and kid gloves for awhile.

I am not afraid to love and now I love fearlessly. Now I just need to learn to allow others to love me, but that will come with time.

love is amazing… just go out and find the perfect person… and dont hold back cuz you will never know what could have been if you had just spoken up…