Love fearlessly

I’ve finally managed this. I feel so alive.

because I’d very much like to fully enjoy what I’ve been blessed with in the present time.

I am obsessed with the fact i think my partner is going to cheat on me.. I hate that feeling.. I know he loves me but I feel like sometimes its too good to be true I am waiting for it to fuk up.. waiting to get brought to my knees and hurt.. again.. I hate feeling this way its exhausting and its shit for him too… I HATE BEING SO INSECURE!!

this is it:
www.xkcd.com/201

I love her.

Next time I will know better. He ended our relationship this morning. What could I have said, he had already made up his mind. I am not sure what to do now, I could hang out single and learn to love myself, that is never a bad idea. Fall in love with myself. I could go out tonight and join in the dance. Inside, I am hurt, I want to cry and sometimes it feels like it is all going to come out and it doesn’t. It’s as if I knew what was coming and when he ended it, he released me gently. I think he is the sensitive one. It is an illusion and when you look deeper you can see- I am the one who is insensitive. I have been changed and I love him for having opened my eyes. Nothing ever stays the same, we might cross paths one day, on a clear, sunny day.

“Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.”
- Steven Wright

I have this way of seeing things as black or white. When I am upset or hurt instead of just expressing my opinion or saying that i am hurt, i either yell and argue until I have said every single awful, hurtful or ridiculous thought on my mind; or i go inwards and don’t say anything and walk away from the other person. What do I do now? I don’t want to talk things out because there is an underlying issue, should i just let it go, maybe i should.

this is hard, letting go, having faith and keeping the relationship exciting. it has been a little over 3 months and i am feeling much more comfortable, my thoughts about the relationship suddenly combusting have subsided. this is only my second real, serious, boyfriend-girlfriend relationship and the first one, i spent the second half fighting, breaking up and getting back together.

For me this is hard to do. It is about trusting someone else with your heart. Before I met my boyfriend, I dated and went on dates and I was always in control. I started the relationship and I ended it. I rarely opened up and only shared things on a superficial level. With my boyfriend now, if I want to continue I am going to have to open up and share. I think we both have issues with trust so it is hard for both of us. our dating is still pretty structured and that is fine with me because I am in no hurry to open up. having said that he met one of my friends last week and it went well. I think he had a little crush on her. I guess it’s going to be baby steps and kid gloves for awhile.