set boundaries

I told my boss the other day: “Look, I don’t know how I am going to get this done and get the work I am responsible for done.” At first he looked at me like I was crazy, but then he said, “I understand.” YES! It was tough for me to say “No”, but I said no at work.

I think I’m back into the swing of things. I’ve resolved to let people know when they’ve crossed a personal boundary, like bringing up personal things about me that I’m not comfortable discussing, or teasing me in a way that is awkward and hurtful. There are only a few people this really relates to at the moment, but with them, it happens quite frequently.

Last year, a boy tried (pathetically) to come between me and my boyfriend. I tried to handle the situation rationally, without offending anyone, but it really hurt my boyfriend, and the other boy refused to take any of the opportunities I gave him to step back and avoid making the situation worse. I ended up cutting all communication with him, even though we’re in the same grade at the same high school.

As far as physical boundaries go, I’ve been handling those better, too. I’m comfortable hugging my friends now, but when people, especially hormonal teenage boys, assume that they can touch me whenever they want, things go badly. A repeat offender recently came over to me in the hallway and patted the top of my head while I was mid-sentence in a conversation with a friend. I whirled around immediately, before he even had a chance to bring his hand back, and snapped at him, saying clearly and firmly, “DON’T touch me.” He acted all shocked and scoffed, like I was overreacting, and maybe to him I was, but just because he has no sense of boundaries, it doesn’t mean I should have to pay for it. He tried to defend himself and before he even got two words out I repeated myself. “I’m serious. Do not touch me again.” And with that I went to lunch with my friends.
...I also keep a squirt bottle full and ready in my locker, just in case someone is a little too persistent ;)

Here’s what I did one day. http://ayprel.com/2008/assumptions/

I was raised to acknowledge and respect my own boundaries and the boundaries of others. Recently, however, I’ve become a bit of a pushover…I was never particularly rude about it, but if someone crossed a line, I would stand up for myself and tell them. I’m not sure what exactly happened, but we’re back in the phase where random guys at school are giving me unwanted physical attention. I am not happy about it, and at our next school community meeting this Friday, I’m going to make an announcement about personal space. It’s always been a problem at this school. That will be my official warning to everyone, and if anyone crosses the line after that, there will be serious consequences.

My younger brother has a very bad temper and is very insecure. He blew up at me last night so I told him today that I would no longer be getting into any debates with him and that if he continued to blow up at me, I would limit my contact with him. At first he was mad, and tried to pull me into an argument, but I ignored him. And then after about four hours he came around again and started to be nice.

I really hope that he understands that I am serious. I have put up with a lot from him, but I realize I was just letting him act any way he wanted and now I am setting some standards.

After getting out of some very unhealthy relationships and leaving a job where I was overworked with little support, I finally realize that I need to set some standards and boundaries and stick by them. I can’t expect my life to be any different, if I don’t change my actions. Being really nice and accomodating is one thing, but letting people walk all over me is another.

I have realized over the past few months that I have an entire tree of flakey friends. They are great when it is convenient for them but really are not reliable or consistent. They seem to lack respect.

I am making a solid choice not to keep investing time and energy into people who do not treat me right. How many times does someone need to cancel at the last minute or “forget” to call back? They get three chances. Thats it.

That said, I have already pruned half the tree. It’s looking more like a bush now but they are quality people. Even if I end up with only ONE true friend, it will be worth it.