work all 12 steps

So, of course, when I follow the firections in literature, it works. I’m praying for those I have to apologise to, and day by day my bitterness at them is melting away. Perhaps I’m not quite ready to make amends, but I have faith that I will be ready by the time I leave this city.

So I read the literature for step 8 and it’s right there in print: if you don’t really want to mkae amends, try praying for the person. So I’m going to be doing that and working of the questionis in my book every day.

I took quite a long hiatus between steps 8 and 9, and now I’m finding that I’ve lost all motivation to do step 9. I really just want to move on.

Fortunately I came into program fairly young, so I don’t even have to do that many apologies. But the mian one I have to do is to my best friend, who I was a jerk to for our childhood. I guess part of it is that I still resent her- she seems to have such a disgustingly perfect life and she’s so confidant. Perhaps it’s the fact that I don’t think my apology will mean much to her- she’s not one to hold grudges or be cowtowed by other people.

But then I have to let go of the results. I’m not doing this for her- I’m doing it so that I don’t have to go back into addiction. It doesn’t matter if my apology means anything to her. It’ll mean something to me.

I don’t know. It’s jsut something I have to work on.

Well, I’ve been stuck at Step 4 for a loooong time. But that’s okay. There is no race. I guess I just don’t like to look at myself and my life. I’ve learned the key for me is to have a meeting with my sponsor as a deadline to go over the next piece. So last night we met and went over my resentment list. I did the list “quick and dirty” the night before. If I don’t do it quickly, I’ll never get it done.

Thank goodness I recently remembered that working the program is the most important thing I can spend my time and energy on. Sometimes I forget how central it needs to be in my life if I want to get better.

I’ve been doing my daily reading on weekdays. I carry Courage To Change in my purse and read it on the bus on the way to work. Even if I forget about the reading once I get to work, I can feel it helping me as it builds up in my system day after day. Weekends I tend to forget, so this weekend I’ll try to remember to start the days with the reading. My sponsor suggested ODAAT. I’ve been attracted to it so I think I will pick up a copy.

I’ve also tried different meetings. It’s good to mix it up and keep it fresh.

I’m the treasurer for one of my groups. I’ve found that service I did in the past no longer helps me. I need to serve now, unless I’m taking a break between committments. It’s a way for me to exist and be visible and engaged (instead of disappearing – my MO).

I get uncomfortable talking to people after meetings or calling them, but I’m trying to practice. I’m meeting a program friend for coffee next week hopefully.

I’m also uncomfortable sharing in meetings, but I try to do that sometimes too. I also give myself permission to just listen if that’s what I need.

I think I’ll revisit some of the pamphlets from my old beginner packet. I don’t even remember what’s in there. And the slogans, I want to re-read them in “How Al-Anon Works”.

Yay! I finally have a sponsor. I lost my original sponsor a long time ago, and I’ve been “looking” ever since. I guess I just wasn’t ready until now even though I thought I was. I recently asked someone who said no because she already had 4 sponsees. But yesterday I asked someone else and she said yes. I have a good feeling about this, and I’m definitely eager to work the steps. I think I need to start at Step One again (did 1-3 before), but this time I want to get through all 12 even if there is some major upheaval in my life along the way.

I met with my sponsor. Logically, she suggested that I start at the beginning, with step one, and she loaned me an Al-Anon book on the 12 steps to help me get started.

I joined Al-Anon about six weeks ago, but it’s taken me a while to find a sponsor. However, I found someone I have a really good connection with, and I’m meeting with her tomorrow after the meeting, and she’s going to help me get started on working the steps.

I asked someone to be my sponsor. She’s thinking about it (already ahs 4 sponsees), but I’m happy I asked no matter what the answer is. It took guts, and some encouragment from a friend.

There were some intense thunderstorms here yesterday and as a result the power went out and stayed out at the warehouse last night. The end result is that we’re off work today and I’m going to take the opportunity to write some today and hopefully, as with the jury duty, I’ll make some proper progress on my step. :)