Myself and the future sister-in-law threw my baby sis her bridal shower today. It was surprisingly fun, mostly because there were at least a few people I knew there besides my family (and also because in being a hostess, I actually had something to DO instead of just sitting around yapping with random folks).

Since my sister and her fiancé have been living together for over a year, they already have all the house stuff they need, so we threw them an entertainment shower. Board games, movie tickets, party servingware…our guests came up with some good stuff! Word on the street is that the games we picked weren’t awful either. Hooray!

(Aside: I kind of want to throw things at my mother and future sister-in-law for making several mentions throughout the day of the wish for my sister and her fiancé to make babies. Good fucking God, let’s make it through the wedding first, yeah?)

ALSO. Seeing a bunch of random-ass people I don’t know got me a-thinkin’. And now I have an etiquette question for you 43T folks, especially if you’ve already been down the aisle:

If I’m paying for my own wedding, should I invite people who are friends of my parents, but who I personally don’t give a shit about? Traditional wisdom would say that whoever is paying gets final say over the guest list, no? 7 months ago

I was reading through some other folks’ entries on 43T today, and it spurred me to harken back into some of my previous relationships. Specifically, I was looking at what people are writing under the goal of “fall in love.” What struck me was the disappointment, the anxiety, the despair, and the uncertainty in the entries of these 43Ters. And I had to remind myself that not that long ago, that was me.

Like many, I’ve been something of a serial monogamist, going from one long-term relationship into the next with little time of “dating around” (or really being single) in between. And while some of my relationships have been amazing, there are others that I can say without a doubt were incredibly poor decisions, rife with bullshit and low self-esteem. Some aspects were so detrimental that I am still dealing with fallout, nearly a decade later.

As I read these other 43Ters’ entries, I am remembering one humdinger of a shithole relationship I put myself through. The worst part of the whole thing was tt was the uncertainty, the feeling of never being good enough, the idea that I was so close to being loved but I was screwing it up somehow, and it was my fault that love wasn’t forthcoming. And even when I did feel loved and cared for, it was always on the very tenuous conditions that he set forth, with the very real fear that falling outside those conditions (failing) would result in affection being withdrawn. Inherent in every single interaction was an undercurrent of fear that I am unlovable, and what if no one else will ever want me again.

And the worst part is that I remember feeling like that was NORMAL. Like the people who didn’t live like that, they just weren’t doing things the way we were. I remember being surprised at the way some of my female friends talked to their boyfriends, expressing OPINIONS and DISAGREEING, and their boyfriends didn’t leave them! It was madness!

Yeah, that was some absolute bullshit. It’s going to take me a long time to be done with being angry about that one. A LONG time. (It doesn’t help that as soon as I got out from under five years of that, I ran straight into a year of something that was, if possible, even more fucked.)

I bring all this up because it is such stark contrast to the life I currently live with The Man. Maybe it’s because I’m older and have higher self-esteem, maybe it’s because I am less willing to put up with bullshit, or maybe it’s because I’m dating a grown-ass man who has a handle on his emotions and who I trust to be honest with me.
But with The Man, I cannot remember EVER having been in doubt that I am loved. Not since the first time he said it.

Of course, we’ve had fights. I’ve gotten spitting, ready-to-throw-things mad at him. And I am still insecure about so very many things in my life. But he has never done anything that caused me to question whether or not I am important to him. Even more than that, he has never made any kind of noise to indicate that his love is conditional, predicated solely on my behavior and therefore my responsibility. Quite the opposite; in a thousand little ways, he shows me that I am loved, every single day of my life.

There is a bone-deep security in that knowledge. There is an unparalleled, glorious freedom in knowing that one disagreement is not going to result in abandonment. And I appreciate all of this so much more, because I have been on the other side of it, and I will never go back there.

I want to believe that I can keep that warm core of our relationship, that absolute certainty of the other’s love, throughout our marriage. I don’t doubt that there will be some massively difficult, trying times. If shit goes pear-shaped and it all falls apart, then it happens. So many relationships deteriorate from simple lack of honesty and communication, and he and I are both incredibly aware of that fact. I want to be able to maintain that same level of balls-to-the-wall truth, because when that’s done, then your foundation is cracked and anything else built up there is just a disaster waiting to happen.

I am incredibly grateful for him, and for the experiences I have had that let me appreciate how amazing he is. 8 months ago

But seriously, who watches their wedding video every year on their anniversary, while eating a piece of the same kind of cake you had at your wedding? Is this weird and kind of creepy to anyone else? Like those middle-aged people who look at their high school yearbook all the time and talk about how amazing high school was.

(And before you go calling me a curmudgeon, I’d like to point out that this couple has been married for ten years. The husband found out not too long ago that his wife had been cheating on him for five of those years. Seems like whatever sentimentality this little ritual imparted was negligible.) 9 months ago

There’s a distinct possibility that the owner of our duplex is going to be selling it soon. He hasn’t said as much, but he’s had people over here cleaning up the backyard, taking stuff out of the back house/storage office, and I saw him talking to a roofing guy for what looked like an estimate.

Ideally, he’ll just sell the place to a property management company, and we can continue living here. But if he doesn’t…well, I’m not looking forward to moving. Although it would force us to get rid of some of the crap in the house, especially if we have to scale back to a one-bedroom.

No matter. The house is a house, and even though I love it, I’m pretty sure the Man and I will be happy wherever we end up.

I found this little plaque in a store outside Chicago – it’s meant to go on a wide leather strap bracelet, but I flattened it. I want to take it to the trophy shop nearby and have it mounted, along with another engraved plaque with our wedding date, right before we get married so I can surprise the Man with it. 9 months ago

I think I’m going to have to incorporate some of these into our ceremony :) Click through for the full article; I’m reproducing the list below.

1. I promise to clarify my expectations.

2. I promise to give you the benefit of the doubt, when it comes to money.

3. I promise to make sure I’m not just hungry, before I yell at you.(this one is my favorite, because I am absolutely guilty of this)

4. I promise not to give in to you for the sole purpose of using my compliance against you later.

5. I promise to defend you to others, even if you are wrong.

6. I promise to try to put you before the children.(less of an issue for us, since we’re not having babies )

7. I promise to do the stuff neither of us wants to do, if you really don’t want to do it more than I don’t.

8. I promise not to keep score.

9. I promise to not care if you get fat, or skinny, or old.

10. I promise to put your happiness before mine.

Netzer writes: “In my opinion, if you can’t wholeheartedly vow these things, you shouldn’t be getting married. Yep, it’s a little tougher to promise ‘in fatness and in emaciation, even if my mother hates you’ than it is to promise ‘in joy and in sorrow, forsaking all others.’ But which is really braver, and what promise more meaningful?” 9 months ago

Well my now fiance proposed on my birthday and he is my guardian angel, someone unbelievably special I dont believe anyone on this earth can compare to the love in his heart or his generosity. When we met I was fighting depression and very guarded. He amazed me with his lack of fear in showing his feelings and absolutely swept me off my feet. Now just to get saving (I believe this is also on my list!!) and book a date! 2 years ago