My sister-in-law’s mother passed away this evening, 9 months and 2 days after my mom. They both died shortly after seven in the evening. My heart aches for my sil. I know how very hard this is and I wish there were something I could do to make it easier. But I know that I cannot. So very sad. 3 days ago

This evening around 6:45 I started to feel really anxious. I’ve been a bit low key/down all day, feeling a bit hopeless. Right when we sat down to dinner, at 7, it dawned on me that it was 9 months ago today, at 7:05 pm that my mom died. And it was a Thursday. Earlier today mrrad told me about a gig that was booked for Sept 14th and I got a little tweeked knowing that was the day after the 1 year anniversary of her death. I just got really weepy tonight and am feeling that way still. I don’t always feel that way, but that’s where I am tonight. Really missing Mom. While staying with my bff last week, she was talking to her elderly mom (who was just moved to assisted living)on the phone and I felt the absence of my mom and how I can’t call her anymore, or talk to her (well I can talk to her, she just isn’t talking back). Most of the time I’m doing great. But not today. 5 days ago

It has been a week since mrrad and I committed to taking regular nutritional supplementation (based upon Julia Ross’ Good Mood Cure). And I gotta tell you that it is working. We are both feeling better and I am noticing a definite improvement. But I also know that my reserves are really low and I’m working on building those back up. And I managed to go to the gym three times this week for a cardio workout. I certainly feel more even. And I hope that this keeps improving. 3 months ago

I’m still feeling pretty down. But I am now working on a plan (and taking a tiny bit of action) to move through it. I attend a grief recovery support group, I have one on one individual counseling and I am making myself go to at least one meeting a week. That is about all of the reaching out I can manage right now. I’ve also done research on supplementation to impact brain health and mood. I’ve had Julia Ross’ book The Mood Cure for a long time and I went back to read it again. Mrrad and I have committed to using regular supplementation for a month to see what the impact is. Many years ago I had a horrible time with PMS and after seeing a doctor that believed in supplementation, and trying it, I was shocked at the improvement. I don’t eat as well as I could, and I know that the quality of our food and our bodies’ ability absorb the nutrient is not as great as it once was. So I’m going to do this. If I don’t get any relief then I will go back on an SSRI. It is a small step, but I think it will be a powerful one. I want to get my life back. I was “maintaining and even strain” for a long time, but two bouts of a virus (the second one in particular) just about did me in. Its not surprising all things considered. 3 months ago

I’ve really been struggling for the last two weeks, ever since I got sick again. I’m feeling out of control and like I’m falling apart. No energy, nada. I hate to admit, but I am depressed. And while I know that it is a normal part of greiving, I really want to just hide inside and not go out. I can’t even focus enough to read or watch a movie. I’ve been down the road of depression before, a pretty major one. And while it is not quite that bad, its pretty bad. And I’m seriously considering going on medication (been off and on low dose SSRIs for a very long time). What my rational mind knows, and what my emotions feel are two different things. There is a part of me that is optimistic and not buying into the gloom, there is another part of me that knows that this is how I feel and no amount of rationalizing is going to make it better all on its own. Interestingly I’m not thinking about my mom being gone or crying over that, its just a very general unease and dampening—I don’t want to go out or do anything or interact with anyone. I’m very oversensitive and reactive. I’m sure people think I’m a crazy bitch. I wish that there was an outward sign that one could wear to let people know that one is in mourning and to cut us some slack. A year is not too long. It not quite six months and I feel worse, not better. Given all of the losses of the last 8 months and the stressors, its not surprising that I’m feeling depressed. I’m doing the best that I can. And I think I just need to accept it for what it is. I’m not interested in the things that I used to be interested in. No motivation at all, for anything. So here is the good news (that voice of optimism isn’t totally crushed). I know that this will pass, that it will get better, and that I have to do the work to help me get better. But I feel like cr@p. 3 months ago

And it makes so much sense to me. It can be applicable to any loss. I am entering into the reorganization phase, but at anytime you can go spinning around the wheel again. How much time one spends in each quadrant varies. Having been through the grieving process a few times (the death of my dad, two of my dogs, and now my mom), I can say there is a lot of truth in this. 5 months ago

The nasty neighbors have moved all their stuff out. Their nasty ass cars are still here but should be gone in a few days or towed away by the end of next week. We’ve already had one of our neighbors come over to confirm they were goning and we jumped around and danced. I am so looking forward to the new year. I’m starting to feel a shift. I am grateful. 5 months ago

I think I needed to discharge all of the negativity that was hiding just beneath the surface from the holidays and the difficulty of the last year. The sink appears to be fixed. The nasty neighbors started to load the moving truck. My mom had an accidental death life insurance policy and my brother told me that they have cut a check. We are almost done with settling my mom’s estate so I should see some additional cash early next year which will help cover our bills while I am off. And I’m mentally more ready to start a job search. I was bitten by a dog today, but it was minor and I think I will be just fine. The owner of the dog was more upset than I was.

I don’t like the person that I’ve come to be after dealing with the nasty neighbors. They can’t get our of here fast enough to suit me. I keep wondering what the lesson is. 5 months ago

I made it through Christmas fairly OK, having a nice quiet Christmas with just mrrad and me and the dog. And then on Christmas night our kitchen sink (which shares a common drain with the nasty neighbors) gets stopped up. Now it isn’t stopped up in our unit, but it is below their sink and the water from our sink and dishwasher was shooting out of their sink. As good neighbors (something they know nothing about) we stopped using our dishwasher and sink. The plumber never showed up yesterday, and then came this morning but they weren’t answering the door and I refused to let a plumber I don’t know and didn’t hire come into my house and dismantle my sink to fix it. The arrogant sob left and didn’t come back. I just lost it. Screaming, yelling, crying , punching pillows. Mrrad and the dog tried to comfort me. The dog was trying to wash my face and laid on top of me for over an hour. These neighbors have made the last year of my life a living hell. They have taken my sanctuary and destroyed any peace that I’ve had here in the last 15 years. There are no socially acceptable words available to describe them. I feel like I have PTSD, constantly on guard for another barrage of bad behavior. They are moving in 4 days but this was like a giant FU. I wanted to do physical harm to them and every piece of stinking crap they own. And there are no words for our do nothing Board of Directors of the HOA. Elections are next month and I am going to run and then fire the property manager. The last year has all been too much and I’ve tried to soldier on and look for the silver lining but today I don’t have it. It all feels too much and I hate this. 5 months ago

I hate grief. I hate being in the middle of it. I hate the fact that I have no control over it. It feels as if it is something to be endured. Perhaps the payoff will come later, but I doubt it. I think this is complicated. I am dealing with the loss of my mom, and of my entire family moving 2000 miles away. It reminds me a bit of when my parents divorced when I was 20 and there were a lot of very lonely years. And I lost my job. I just don’t have the emotional reserves to go out and find a job. I’m not lazy, I’m just overwhelmed.

I really dislike two particular emotions the most – anger and anxiety. I’ve been having a lot of displaced anger lately and its affecting my home life. I just can’t turn it off and I just don’t know what to do about it. Yesterday was not good. I had a lot of it. And I wanted to drink. Its been almost 25 years since I’ve had a drink. I didn’t really want a drink, I just wanted not to feel. I went to the gym. And then I went to a meeting. That glass of wine was safe for another day. Still having a tough time today. I want to feel happy and full of love and optimistic about the future, but the reality is that I’m falling into a downward spiral of negativity – that thinking that nothing will ever get better. Now I know better logically. And I know that this too shall pass. And I know that I need to honor my feelings, even the bad ones. I actually am a pretty balanced person, and usually pretty hopeful. So I’m doing the next right thing and telling someone how I feel (or in this case a whole bunch of cyber someones) and just get through it, even if I rage all the way through it.

That is all . . . 6 months ago

storm!

Just talked with my bff and she talked with her doctor about her CT scan. While there is definitely something showing on her lung, it does not appear to be a nodule, but most likely is scar tissue from an infection. Since she had pneumonia a few times in the last few years, that would all make sense. I’m very relieved for her. She has no other symptoms which would lead her doctor to believe that they need to biopsy it. 7 months ago

In mid-June my brother and his entire family (all 8 of them) moved 2,000 miles away. We moved here to be closer to my family and now 75% of them live in another state. The day after independence day I lost my job. I have insane neighbors that don’t know how to live in a community setting and have turned the home I’ve lived in and loved for 15 years into hell. My mom died in September four days after falling and breaking her hip and shoulder. And now, my best friend has two lesions on her lung. They don’t know exactly what it is yet. She had a CT this week and we are waiting for the results to see what is next. By no matter what account, this is a lot to deal with for any one human. The best I can do is take each day, one at a time. And focus on the positive. And feel the pain so I can let it go. 7 months ago

I’m guessing it will be a bit of an anticlimax. No certificate, no trumpets, no champagne. Though my friend deb has bought me an origami medal, so i can award myself that. And then i can ceremoniously rub off the blue pen crosses i’ve been wearing for months and rejoin the ranks of the people-who-bath.

Gosh.

And then i need to make lots of lovely plans for the next few weeks. Get an appt with the kieser doc and start slooooowly back with strength training. Walk every day. Would it maybe be worth joining a gym for a month, i wonder? Not allowed in chlorinated water for a little while yet… Definitely feel the need for some structure so i don’t fall into any black holes.

And maybe treat self to a massge or sth. My feet are so dry they are almost falling off. Pampering is what i need. Hmmm. 8 months ago

Discharged from hospital today. Just two treatments to go and then i’ll be finished with this load of therapy and ready to move on to convalescence proper. Is this when the psychological bombshell will hit me, i wonder?
Three months tomorrow since my operation. Thank you thank you thank you for the wonderful german health service.
Everything has changed, everything stays the same.
It was a strange old summer. 8 months ago

I do see the sunlight peaking through the cracks of the door. The sunlight hurts my eyes; I can barely keep them open it stings. After yesterday, I am emotionally drained that my mind and body feel lifeless like a ragdoll. This weight has been lifted off and it’s now time to find this inner strengthen to lift my head slowly so that I don’t get dizzy. Then lifting my body up off the ground so that I can sit up right again. It’s over, my storm is over.

I have been agonizing over this court date for weeks. During that time I wasn’t quite sure why. I knew I would be confronting my ex. I had written and spoke in another court case against him before. I had moved from the home we shared. Only a few things left of his to sell. Still I didn’t know why it was making me so agitated. I was worried that he wouldn’t get any more jail time. I knew the local authorities didn’t do their job because I did it. I was worried that the parole agent still wouldn’t get it correct with what was going on. I didn’t grasp that this was a crime against my son. Being the mother I am , I go into battle mode and that what it was.

My son and I went to court in the morning, 9:30am. It was delayed by his attorney because he didn’t go through the assessment with the ex. So the case was pushed till the afternoon. My son had to go to work so he couldn’t attend the sentencing. I was able to read my son’s victim impact statement. Thankfully this judge sentenced him to another 2 years in prison and 3 years probation. The assistant DA had said afterwards that the statement was well written and seemed to do the trick. We, the other victims and us, have hopefully 4 years of him off the streets. It saves the women he would have met in those 4 years. Justice was served for my son. 10 months ago

so for today’s weather report ~ the boy and Em were at the beach and witnessed a man swimming around when they first got there. A half hour later he is in the corner of the cove floating. No distress, no nothing…
Then when coming home tonight I logged onto FB. Found out my first love passed away peacefully tonight at 6:30. I am very sad about this. He had a rare form of melanoma and took him quickly. A few years ago he contacted me and we both made amends.
While I was talking to the brother of my first love about the arrangements, my brother instant messaged me that his son was in a fender bender. My nephew just turned 16 and his mother bought him a car. Today was the first day with his new car…

I am just saying this out loud to the universe. I am not sure what your plan is… please give me a break for a lil bit. 11 months ago

~ These last couple of weeks have been definitely been another rough road. I have had a rocky relationship with my mom pretty much all my life. She has been having back problems for years. A few weeks back she finally decided she has had enough of the pain and went to the doctor. She figured she would be having back surgery. Not so… they found a spot on her lung. She has smoked for over 50 years. Thankfully it isn’t big and they found nothing else in the pet scan. So in a few weeks she will be having surgery to remove 40% of her right lung. Yeah… life has been pretty shitty lately. 11 months ago

August 9th to be exactly!! The ex, normally known as “douchebag” or DB for short, pleaded guilty to one of the two charges in exchange for the second charge to be dropped. Sitting in the court room this morning listening to the chains that have him bound clink against each other was quite musical. Listening to the word guilty roll out of his mouth was also lyrical too.
Now it is my turn to craft another victim impact statement that was as smashing as the last, that it will have such an impact on this judge as it did the last. The last judge sentenced him the maximum and no getting out for “good behavior”. Then this storm will be over… 11 months ago

is all very well. rationally i know this is a very minor operation. still i’m shitting myself. do i take my living will with me? should i have written one of the other sort? who do i need to tell i want The Rainbow Connection by Kermit the Frog played at my funeral?

am really not a drama queen. just scared. 12 months ago

for your good wishes. very much appreciated. am at the hospital still waiting to see the anaesthetist (have only been here 3.5 hours, grrr). have been enjoying the waiting time by reading Patti Smith on my kindle, taking part in a study, having a late breakfast at the caff and … LOCKING MYSELF IN THE DISABLED TOILET.

yes, indeed, one old lady stuck in the lavatory.

luckily, a nice man with a toolbox came and let me out ptretty damn quick.

that happened to me once before, on a train. it was the disabled toilet then, too. i thought i was going to have to climb out the window and crawl along the top of the train like James Bond. luckily, alb heard me shouting for help and was able to rescue me from the outside.

guess i had better stop using disabled loos. 12 months ago

for this goal… 12 months ago

without going into too much detail, have a minor gynae op coming up on friday and will be so grateful for any support and healing vibes you can send me. they’re keeping me in hospital for a day or two afterwards but (having spent an unexpected 3 days there last week) i know what’s awaiting me there and that the people (staff and patients) are lovely. have never had a general anaesthetic before, but it’s only a short one … have an appointment with the anaesthetist tomorrow morning so will find out more then.

the crap thing (well, another crap thing) is that we were supposed to be in Dorset now, but had to cancel at the last minute. hoping we’ll be able to go in autumn instead. 12 months ago

that sentenced the ex the maximum she could give him today.

I was the only one in the courtroom beside the Judge, lawyers and the ex. No one for him. He has been in contact with the other two victims in the last few weeks and the three of us felt if they showed up in court today it would send him a message that they still cared about him.

I had a three page detailed statement of what went on in the last three years. I stood there, read from the pages and at times started to tremble. I had hoped that the Judge would take the time to listen to what I had to say. Some of you know this journey for me has been met by more road blocks than anything else. After I was finished, the DA and his lawyer had their say on what should happen and how long the sentence should be. The DA of course wanting the maximum time and his lawyer was looking for a year of serving time plus probation.

The Judge took one look at my ex, said a few things about his written statement and told him he was a liar, a pathological liar! The Judge had referred back to my statement 3 to 4 times, validating what I had gone through was true. She said she doesn’t normally talk this bluntly to defendant but she feels he had not tried to be rehabilitated and continually steals from others. She gave him 3 years in jail/prison, he must serve at least two years before they will even think of letting him in an early release program.

After the Judge sentenced him and he left the court room, I broke down and sobbed. Being there, hearing what the Judge had to say was worth the little road blocks I have gone through in the last few months. The charges that he was sentenced for today does not include the ones that are outstanding. There is the potential that the next judgement could tack on another 6 to 10 years.

I am emotionally drained right now. I am going for a drink.

:) 13 months ago

I finally talked to the detective in my case or lack there of. He told me that there wasn’t any proof that he took what he did. So with that they can not go forward with any charges on my behalf, just the one for my son. He told me he interviewed the ex for about 4 hours. The detective does agree that he probably did but not able to prove it in court. See the way the court system is… it’s pretty fucked up or in the ex’s head is brilliantly delusional. I am not sure which. This last week I have been having a harder time healing, wrestling around with a few things others had said. I hate when others judge the situation as if they would have done differently. Plus keeping the fingers crossed that the court date on the 10th sticks, so that we can have some sort of closure on this. 13 months ago

We had court yesterday. This one is for the theft of my son’s motor cycle and it was a preliminary date. After reading some of the court papers, I realize how delusional his mind is working. What is really messed up is that I lived with it for 2 years and for a while thought it was sane thinking…
The court dates for this will be going on during the summer… next week is the next court date for other offences. 14 months ago

I knew that I was in the eye of the storm for a while. I have heard the other half of the storm will be here in a week. I will be going to several court dates in the next few weeks. 14 months ago

I have been through the storm and it has not destroyed me.

Everything went fine. And when my lawyer asked me whether I found the settlement “fair and reasonable,” I paused. It would have been a lie to say that. The word came to me: “It is adequate,” I said.

After certifying my copy of the judgment, I went on a 45-minute walk through the lakefront park, then caught a bus so I could work the rest of the day.

Sometime soon I’ll invite my sister and various women friends to join me in a ritual to mourn the hopes I had invested in this and celebrate my new freedom. 14 months ago