“To find our mission in the world, to arrive at that place where our lives make sense as part of an elegant pattern of purpose, is probably the underlying quest of all human endeavor.”

- Pythia Peay 5 days ago

These kinds of goals are hard to define; when are they completed exactly? There is no way of measuring them.

This strange self-consciousness that sometimes dictates what I say and how I behave so that others might perceive me a certain way… Just articulating it right here in this goal has, I feel, been immensely beneficial. I can’t remember the last time I felt genuinely thrown off or uncomfortable by the interactions I’ve been having with others. I don’t remember overthinking conversations or replaying them in my mind either. I’ve stopped censoring my tastes or agreeing with things I don’t.

I’m not sure what else there is to say apart from how soothing it has been to notice that I absolutely was defining myself, lost myself in the process, and now, I just am. Not without moments of anxiety (I am not so well-equipped in times of trial), but certainly without some sort of identity crisis. Growing older, grasping and letting go of dreams, just relaxing a bit more into my life as it is…

I’m rambling. It’s time to put this goal away and write up a “how-to”, if that’s possible, a little later. 1 month ago

a word of advice from memoirist Abigail Thomas…start by keeping track of what you notice. “What you look at is part of who you are,” she writes, “Keep an eye on yourself. See where what you notice takes you.”

Just a year ago I had no idea about the film industry in N until my sister told me about it in August. Just look at me now.

And over the weekend I was all caught up in this online photoediting program. I mean I researched it for hours when I had no idea just a week ago that I would have this interest… 2 months ago

Inspired by an article I read by a graduate of the the U of Penn’sAuthentic Happiness program and a post by Penelope Trunk, one day out of the blue I started writing things about my expertise, it’s a series of lessons. At first I just started writing and then over time it turned into a series of lessons. I post one lesson a day on a writing site I belong to. So far I’m up to 15! It’s fun because I don’t know what I’m going to write next!

Is having something new every day to say about a certain subject a sign of mastery? In time I will be able to answer this question.

Also posted under “enjoy my life as a subject matter expert.” 2 months ago

Say things along the lines of “I’m such a…”, “I tend to…”.

Just a reminder to self. 3 months ago

I’m reading a book called The Emotional Life of the Brain and he talks about how self-reporting mood is unreliable… and I’ve been thinking about how reporting my morale perhaps defines or at least colors how I think I feel. In fact, my morale goes up and down throughout the day… I’d already started redefining middle (5) as a pretty good day – I wrote an entry about that once but have no idea where it is now. But I’m curious to see what happens if I stop defining my mood at all and just experience the fluctuations without labeling them. I enjoyed and found the widget useful for a while, but I feel like it’s time to stop using it. 3 months ago

This goal is a gentle one. There’s no need to plan or plot; you just ride with your first desire while keeping your wits and manners about you. I keep this quietly in the back of my mind most of the time.

What it means concretely is: when you hear music/see a movie/read a book you enjoyed, you own it. When you want to delve into something or you are curious about something, you go for it. The opinions of others or what you think you should enjoy are no longer of consequence. Living with someone who is “cool” but secretly want to watch romantic comedies? Just do it. Their opinion should just roll off your back. Laugh it off, don’t take it personally and reclaim your space and identity.

OK, so romantic comedies; I had a curiosity to watch a couple, I did, I didn’t enjoy them. I’m not joking when I say that a while ago I would have considered concealing it, maybe renting a couple and watching them when I’m alone. I don’t even know why, it’s not like I live with a tyrant! On the contrary, he’s easy-going and generally lovely. But I don’t know… I guess it’s just a hang-up left over from my teen years. Which, you know, were quite some time ago.

The other aspect I’m discovering is how this has helped me let go of things I’ve outgrown and refocus on the things I love. My wardrobe is a big indicator of this. In conjunction with my decluttering goal, I’m left with what I truly love: black, dark clothes, elements of industrial style, simple esthetics. I used to think that I had to wear colours. I don’t. I have to wear what I love wearing.

And finally, this leads me to conversations. There are some that can no longer be had. I have a few acquaintances who like to drag me into talk about what’s appropriate or not (style-wise), which I wouldn’t mind except that it’s always in a tone that suggests that we both agree. Actually, more often than not, we don’t. So from now on, I’ll just change the topic. 3 months ago

A business owner said that when deciding what services you will offer your customers/clients, keep in mind what they keep asking you to do, not what you want to do.

I’ll go to people and say can I do X and they say okay, but while you’re at it can you do “y”. The business owner said “Y” is what you should be doing, the “Y” defines your market value.

Just the other day someone sent an unsolicited email to me asking me to do “Y”. I met with him and decided to do it. And I thought of all the other instances where I was asked to do “Y” out of the blue. There’s TC, NJ, SS etc, etc. People have asked me to do why even tho I don’t know how they knew I could do it! It’s not how I would define myself, I don’t think, but it’s my market value. 5 months ago

well, now i understand the need to define oneself. otherwise others are going to do that. 6 months ago

I’m still constantly analysing myself and therefore trying to define myself along with it. I’m also analysing others. I wonder if I ever stopped doing this or if it’s always been there. When I would see my counsellor at college, we reached a crucial point in the sessions in which I had the epiphany that it’s ok to be me. It’s ok to not be the loudest person and it’s ok to not be like others. I remember going home that day and feeling a huge sense of relief and contentment. Before that I was constantly trying to change myself and mould myself into something different. When I was still at school I found alcohol and proceeded to have a very difficult number of years with that and drugs. At the time I loved them both for giving me the ability to change into someone completely different. The anxiety and self hatred disappeared when I was under the influence and that was what I had always craved. I reached a point with them though that they made me really ill, dangerously ill. It’s scary to think that I did actually carry on with them both because at that time I had no care as to whether I lived or died. There was nothing in this world that I wanted and I saw no point for myself or my future. I detested myself and couldn’t bear to be sober.
I remember being younger and watching adults, wishing that I was one of them. They didn’t seem to feel insecure or scared about anything. They could look after themselves without the crippling self doubt and selfconciousness. Here I am though, nearly 30, and feeling socially anxious, still. I wonder if it ever really goes away. 7 months ago

I can tell this is a worthwhile goal because of how easily I fall back into old patterns. In my previous entry I wrote this:

“Disengage from conversations; not sure where I get that from anyway, but not always having two cents to throw into every conversation and just “allowing” people to say and feel and like whatever they want without feeling the need to comment has really been a lovely thing. I think it’s a boundary issue too. (...) I’m starting to see how always making a comment or throwing in an anecdote about myself can be a way of stepping on other people’s limits.”

I think that I’ve reverted back to not being careful about this. I’m going to keep this in mind as much as possible this week and see how it feels to listen more and talk less. I guess I’m somehow mixing up listening and not commenting with agreeing. And not understanding clearly the purpose of each interaction. Some conversations aren’t about reaching an agreement, or even working anything out. Sometimes it’s just about the person saying whatever it is that they feel they want to express. 8 months ago

This ain’t gonna work. Nobody shows up, lol. I’ll have to do the opposite thing, define a person I find likeable, worthy and kind and try my best to act that way. 8 months ago

I’ve always been a hard worker and a leader. I care about people and I care about things being done right, so I always end up in leadership roles and extra projects. But if I’m honest with myself, right now I just want to focus on my teaching. All these things I’m saying yes to are too much. What if I just said no to things and did the bare minimum at my job, or at least put everything into my classes and didn’t worry about all the other stuff, and if I didn’t strive for promotion but rather built a life doing the various things I love in various amounts? Or maybe even a life where I don’t teach English any more? Would that be so bad? 8 months ago

I’ve been struggling with something and trying to figure out whether it has anything to do with this goal… I think I’ve decided it doesn’t. Because there are some fears that are founded in something, and I don’t have to choose to be open-minded to the point of being gullible. At some point, I have to see who shows up… and if that person is not comfortable with something, there’s no pressure to go there.

Please note: I have no intention of being offensive to anyone who believes in what I discuss below. I’m just trying to get to the bottom of what’s right for me.

Someone I respect has gotten very into Theta Healing in the past while. She is very involved, and she is training to become a Theta Healer and is definitely having some kind of positive experiences. When she talks about it, though, something makes me very uncomfortable. Yes, it is fear… maybe even limiting… but not something I’m interested in overcoming. What I read about Theta Healing just sounds weird, and there’s a lot of anti-Theta websites as well suggesting that it is all a scam… It is the same feeling I get when I talk to conspiracy theorists, religious fundamentalists, or people who have done immense amount of psychedelic drugs… I trust and respect this person, and I believe that she is having some kind of experiences via this modality. However, I can’t quite buy that the experiences are what she thinks they are.

I have two problems with all this. First, I just don’t believe the claims of Theta Healers are possible. Second, even just assuming I am wrong and not being open minded enough and these claims really ARE true, I don’t even think we SHOULD be doing this. Having another person instantly heal your past traumas, remove your limiting beliefs, and cure all your diseases and ailments? Fast tracking to enlightenment? Doesn’t that create an imbalance in the universe? Shouldn’t we have negative to go with the positive? Shouldn’t we do our own work? Shouldn’t these transformations be earned through challenge, over time? And do we really want to remove all remnants of past hurts? Aren’t my past hurts, even when they leave patterns I may find destructive in my life, aren’t they part of me? As I am?

I believe that the process of transformation should take work. It shouldn’t be instant, and the work shouldn’t be done by someone else. And I believe that our injuries, physical and emotional, and our subconscious patterns, even those that seem destructive, are part of who we are.

Maybe this goes against this goal. Maybe I am afraid to let go of my definition of myself and experience something new. Maybe I am afraid to merge with “All That Is” as they call it. And maybe I just don’t understand.

Or maybe I’m just too smart to be scammed.

I’m just not willing to open my mind on this one. My spiritual experiences have all resulted from being in this world, in this human body. Meditation and yoga are practices that speak to me. This seems kind of out there. I can’t follow her in this. I’ve thought about it, and this just is not my path. I can buy the idea that our subconscious beliefs limit us and can even make us ill, and I believe in the power of the mind to some extent, but this takes it too far. Traditional meditation for me. Even if it takes years. Or lifetimes. 8 months ago

to introduce this goal. I constantly feel like i am putting labels on myself and trying to live up to my own drastic expectations, which in the long run, only sets me up to fail. This in turn leads me to feel crappy about myself and how useless i am.
I need to be more laid back with myself and my life and just let it flow. 8 months ago

I wore a skirt that I have had for YEARS in my closet, but never quite found the place to wear it.

It is a deep golden yellow wrap skirt with a batik pattern on it. I wore it with a plain black tank top.

I didn’t wait for an occasion, I wore it to go run errands. I loved wearing it, didn’t feel over-dressed, and enjoyed it. I don’t know why I waited so long.

I used to feel that it was kind of an outdated skirt, but I’ve tried to get away from the idea of “current” fashion and just wear what I like. That’s easier all the time, fashion has changed from distinct styles to wearing clothes from different decades. 9 months ago

This is something that everyone is likely doing on some level, and it just jumped out at me that this is more and more what I am trying to do.

I have long felt uncomfortable eating meat, so I recently found the balls to quit.

I have been trying to wear some of my more interesting clothes more often. It’s not like they’re really wild, but the whole world seems to have this unbreakable uniform of jeans and a tee shirt. I really got into that too, maybe as a way of not drawing attention to myself, but I really like interesting clothes. Patterned silky shirts, big hippy skirts, sheer tops, flowing pants. Where do you get to wear them that’s “appropriate”? Nowhere, unless you just wear them everywhere, and let other people deal with it.

I am not working right now, and learning to not define myself by my lack of employment. I am fortunate that my husband’s job covers things, so when/if I go back to work, I want it to be something I like doing.

I have stopped apologizing for being a night owl who stays up late, and wakes up 8 hours later.

I am trying to stop apologizing for my house not being perfect (I’m never going to care that much about keeping things tidy), and for having too much stuff (I do get rid of things, I also acquire things, I just have a lot of stuff).

In general, I want to stop feeling like I should be different, somehow more “normal”. I’m a good person, and I’m not hurting anyone, so why can’t I just be myself and feel good?

I guess the only issue is what’s in my mind, and in other people’s mind. 9 months ago

Things I’m (trying) to do:

- Stop passing over things because I’m “not into that”; I’m simply starting to say “yes” more often (and I don’t mean saying yes to things that put a financial strain on me when I’m trying to save money, just be more open to music, activities, etc.

- Disengage from conversations; not sure where I get that from anyway, but not always having two cents to throw into every conversation and just “allowing” people to say and feel and like whatever they want without feeling the need to comment has really been a lovely thing. I think it’s a boundary issue too. I know I hate it when people step on mine, I could disown family over it I hate it so much, and I’m starting to see how always making a comment or throwing in an anecdote about myself can be a way of stepping on other people’s limits.

- Going through my things, clothes, make-up, etc., and setting aside the things that I don’t really like or need. They can be passed on to someone who really wants them. 9 months ago

I think this goal could yield some interesting results. I’ve limited myself by not trying things or considering them from a neutral standpoint. I’ll try to bear this concept in mind. 10 months ago

I’ve always been a very private person (and there’s not really anyone in my life I want to discuss this with). Sharing the following is difficult for me:

I’m pretty sure I’m gay.
Not 100% sure though; hence the “hypothetical” part of said closet.

Right now I’m trying to get out of my own way of figuring this out, because I have a tendency of overanalyzing.

Either way, I’m working on the most tactful and gentle way to break up with my boyfriend of 2 years…a nice guy, but in my opinion the spark’s dead.

I’ll probably write more later. Just this much has taken a lot of mental energy…but it’s a load off my chest. 11 months ago

there is no new sadness under the sun. At least I am making friends with my patterns. Hello, dear pattern. There you are again Little by little, I can see that they are not me, but just good friends I’ve been clinging on to for an awfully long time. Maybe some day I will truly let them go. 13 months ago