self-acceptance

I’m making up some lists. One is a list of things I like about myself, and the other is the things I don’t like. Then I am going to try and change what I can on the list I don’t like about myself.

Things I like
1. thoughtful
2. creative
3. friendly
4. good work ethic
5. respectful
6. reliable
7. eager
8. excitable
9. cheerful
10. open minded

I don’t like
1. modest
2. shy
3. procrastinator
4. quiet
5. unfocused
6. forgetful
7. not very active
8. self conscious
9. indecisive
10. nervous

and third I’m going to crate of lists of things I want to be

1. exciting
2. outgoing
3. active
4. proud
5. dependent
6. alert
7. free spirited
8. inspired
9. relaxed
10. honest

when i was in high school I had a friend that was always very self confident. she believed she could do better then me at everything and she always could. She wasn’t always the best friend, but she did make an impact. I was afraid of coming off snobby or self centered so I hid any confidence in myself. A lot of the time she’d belittle any confidence I let show anyway. I don’t think she always meant to.

I still compare myself to others. I belittle myself since she’s not around to do it. I cut off communications with her thinking I’d start to feel better. But it wasn’t her that was making me feel so bad, and giving me such a hard time about myself. It’s me.

I remember the stupidest things sometimes. Like in math when I’d gotten a B and i was so proud of myself and instead of saying “hey that’s great, i did well too” she said “I got an A!” Just over emotional on my part maybe? Or the time when she’d pity me because she got asked to the prom when I didn’t. So she made her brother ask me. She was trying to help I suppose.

What else stuck with me; her telling me I would grow up to be a hermit. A crazy cat lady. Alone. that i was boring.

Ok maybe this should of gone under let go of the past.

Point of this post, there are some things I need to accept about myself. After all, I’ve heard it said people know you better then you know yourself. What I’ve seen reflected back at me isn’t what I’ve wanted to see. But trying to change hasn’t been working. Trying to be someone else isn’t healthy.