feel close to God again

when i accepted God, i was such a good person. i used to be so proud to serve the Lord. now it all changed. when i say i’m Christian,there’s no more feeling to it. it’s partially because we moved. i don’t really have any church influence to help me anymore. so i don’t know what to do during my tough times. and i feel like i lost God. i want to be back in his arms…where i originated. i want God back in my life.

I just feel lost like i dont know what my purpose is. I used to be a churchgoing guy but then it started feeling like i was going to church for the wrong reasons then after a very close person to me passed away suddenly, my life has just unraveled. i started drinking heavily and using drugs to cope but i wasnt coping i was hiding. And lately i feel like the lord is pulling me to Him. I have now been clean and sober for 2 weeks. and i want to be closer to the Lord if anyone out there can help me or has any advice that would be great.

I don’t want to mark this goal as complete just yet, but I do feel close to God.
I had been confusing all of the politics related to Christianity and not focusing on what the God really wants.
He just wants us to have Faith in Jesus, have Hope that we can help the world, and Love everyone.
With any one part of that equation missing, my life is going to be a mess.

walking the fence. I don’t want to balance this line anymore. I say I want to be close to God, and I want Him to ‘show Himself to me’ and ‘prove something’, but then I want to forget He exists when I want to do things I know aren’t right. It’s slowly been coming down to this…I really have no desire to drink, smoke, go to places I shouldn’t go, gossip, ect. I think it is much worse to claim to be a Christian to others’ and then turn around and show them unchristian like conduct and character. Yeah, what a great representation of what I stand for ? I should want to reflect God…not pick and choose what I want to emulate. I pray every night that others’ will see God within me…and I will see God in others’.
More to come…

I kind of like being called a little flock. :) I like to feel like a child sometimes…like someone is watching after me, protecting me, ready to swoop me up in their arms at the drop of a hat….
Well I’ve finished reading “A Case for A Creator” by Lee Strobel. I highly recommend this book for anyone who has doubts…or anyone in general. Sometimes I feel like I need “proof” or scientific facts to make me feel better (though I am trying to have complete faith). I hardly ever cry…never in front of anyone…but I definitely cried like a baby in the car the other day. Just because I was happy. Everything is going wrong for me right now, but I found myself happy to be alive, with a warm house to stay in, a warm bed to sleep in, and food in my belly. It’s really hard for me around the holidays…I used to be a Christmas fanatic…but this year my spirit isn’t there. This same day I cried because I started thinking about Jesus…the man. I started thinking that he was my age at one time. I don’t know…I can’t really put it into words. Anyway, I’m still going to that church…and every single message is directed to me (well, it seems :) ) NOW my goal is to invite someone with me each Sunday. Well…I could go on and on…but I need to go work on my papers…yes…paperS…plural. UGH.

Well, I’ve been praying to God to show Himself to me. I’ve been praying and praying and praying. Nope…I didn’t see any visions, lights or burning bush. I got my car broken into. Shattered window, everything stolen. I am so absolutely financially broke that it isn’t even funny. I was at the park taking a walk trying to figure out how I was going to pay for groceries and medical bills when my car got broken into. Then I saw God. I had lost faith in people…I thought there were no more good people on the face of the planet…then some jerk breaks into my car…affirming my assumptions ? No. I saw God in the people that helped me. Strangers mostly. My roommate buys me a new purse and wallet. The lady at the bank waives the fee ($38) to cancel my checks. People who own the glass repair shop only charge me $50 (instead of $189). The guy that gives me my scholarship gave me $1100 more each semester. The lady that is in charge of hiring me gave me a new cell phone along with a card in the mail. My mom pays my insurance for a month. Besides all of that, I feel very peaceful. I have all the worries of the world on my shoulders, but I am at peace because I know that God will take care of me. I know that He is stripping me down and testing me and taking me to the limits of strength…so he can build me back up. I needed it. I have spent my life depending on myself, trying to do it on my own. I need to lose everything to gain the power of God. I need to be weak so He can be my strength. I need to fall in order to fly. I need to know worry so I can feel the wonderful peace that can dissolve even the biggest worries I have. I still have a long way to go, but I intend on testing my faith. I bought 2 books today that support creationism and Jesus as the Son of God. They are written by athiests turned Christian. Yale graduate, journalist, athiest…turned Christian. I didn’t want to study something written by a life long devoted Christian…I think I would only get feelings and one sided views…not facts or answers to doubts. Okay I’m done writing for now…we will see what happens though…

Well, it’s getting a little better. I think my problem is that I kept saying “what if there ISN’T a God” ...it never really occured to me to ask “what if there IS a God”. Sometimes I get caught up in learning and knowledge and ‘growing up’, but faith, i’ve found, is much harder to deal with than any math problem or academic lesson. I honestly believe that I was much smarter when I was 12 years old than I am now. I don’t really remember doing anything “wrong” besides fight with my brother every now and then. I even got a comment in high school in which a girl said she was “sick of my kindness crap”. I don’t know. Maybe I was thinking I was a little high and mighty and God decided to let me see what it was like to live like I shouldn’t for a couple of years. I guess I wouldn’t have much of a testimony if I didn’t have a few tests. I guess it just gets extra hard when you don’t have anyone. No parents, no friends (besides a couple that don’t believe in the same things), no significant other. blah blah blah…well, I guess I will try to live my life as if there is no “plan B”. I will have faith and believe that there IS a God and I should live my life for Him. Lets hope that I don’t fall down again…

I have been going to a non-denom. church this semester and I really really like it…I used to hate going to chuch …well I mean when I was little…uncomfy pews, itchy pantyhose, freezing temperatures…but now it feels like every message is directed to me and exactly what I need to hear. About a year ago I really started seeing God in everything…I feel closer to God when I am outside than I ever am anywhere else. I am trying to 100% believe that God already has a plan for my life and I just need to accept it and relax and know that He has something in store for me that is so much better than I ever could have imagined.