stop telling lies

...to this kind of goal. You fear that people will judge you for it, even if you are the most caring person in the world. Such a paradox (caring yet lying) but a liar doesn’t have to be a mean, selfish or bad person. They are most likely to be full of insecurities that they desperately need addressing.

I felt so conscious when I posted this entry more than a week ago but how good was that I did, because I need to be conscious of how I am feeling and what it is making me do (i.e. be secretive).

I’ve been working hard on sorting this problem out and this is an example. My boyfriend did not get a job interview where I work. When back at home that evening, my first, most immediate thought was that “I can’t tell him. It’ll be too painful. I physically cannot ‘give’ him that discomfort”. I was stunned to be aware of my thinking – this is what could have led me to lie, or say nothing at all to avoid telling the difficult truth. Ok, it is a trivial example, considering there can be worse lies, but I was glad I was suddenly aware of the thought process.

As I try to deal with this problem, I am working on being conscious of where and what the triggers are. It follows that I am seeing what the consequences are too.

Now, more than a week on since I posted this entry, I have already learnt a few things. 1. I need to grow myself a sturdier spine (stand up and trust your feelings!); 2. I can TRUST the people I love with my ‘secrets’ and feelings; 3. Truth will never let you down. Lies will always alienate you; 4. By lying, you will NOT protect the people you love or even yourself; they will only hurt even more.

It’s a long way to go still but I’m happier, and happy that I seem to have switched the light on at last. 5 days ago

- I need to stop telling lies and fearing the truth will be too painful for people to hear
- I need to stop telling lies and believing this protects people (and me) from harm
- I need to stop telling lies and thinking that this will make people like me more

It started off with lying to protect myself, from bullying, from abuse, from my parents and being beaten up if I did something wrong. Then as I grew up, I saw it as ‘diplomacy’ – I thought I was doing a good deed, hiding people from the ‘horrible’ truth. And I lie to feel accepted – if people don’t get upset, I will not be cast aside or shouted at, so I play it ‘safe’ and tell a lie.

I need to take responsibility. I need to have courage to tell it like it is, exactly the way it is. You know where you stand with the truth and with the truth, people are ultimately always better off.

I have hurt my dearest Love, the love of my life, this way. I hope he can one day forgive me, trust me again. And I am now pledging to him, and to myself, that I am not going to lie anymore, for me, and for what I hope is still our future together.

So help me. 1 week ago

Loosing my family over lie’s, selfishness and anger. three terrible qualities in my deep closet spase of sin. I want to walk a heathier way of life. Change is a must , i want to walk in green pastures and feel free of guilt. Lord let me find you and may purity take over my heart and sole for i am lost lord. 2 months ago