I know I only post on this goal when I hit snags. I should change that :) I’ve been doing ok for a while!
Yesterday at work I led the second session of my two-part writing workshop on metaphors. The class went great…I know people liked it. They applauded at the end! Who does that? Hahaha. They were a great group (but all of them are.)
Several of them had written about very tough personal experiences. I always feel a little fried after leading a workshop, but this time the things people had written also really got to me. I felt awful and paralyzed. I felt like my skin hurt. When I got home I just lay in bed. It was the damnedest thing.
I’m feeling back to normal now, but I think I may make an appointment with someone to talk about it. I love teaching and want to do more of it! I don’t know why I had such a strong reaction. 13 months ago
I went off my meds for a while. I was writing poetry, and I do write it just a little bit better off Prozac. But I started to get depressed again: a really physical sensation of being pressed down upon and paralyzed. I got that feeling that everything was impossible to do and hopeless. I had bouts of insomnia followed by bouts of can’t-get-enough-sleep.
I’ve been taking my meds for a week or two now. I am not straightened out yet, but I think I will be fine. I bet next week goes much better.
It’s very common for people who struggle with mental health issues to go off their meds when they’ve felt good for a while. In my case, I need to remember the meds are a big reason why I can feel good for a long time. 14 months ago
My grandfather died on Monday. I thought I would be relieved…he has been in bad shape for a long time, and I wanted him to go to a better place. But I don’t feel relieved, just very sad.
The last couple of days have been rough. I cried a lot and have had a few bad thoughts. I am drinking/eating/internetting to excess…which, of course, leads to more depression. This week I have all-day group work sessions with people I don’t know at work, and it’s a kind of work I dislike, so that makes it a harder for me to cope.
Today I will:
use my breaks to meditate or think positive thoughts
eat healthy food in moderation and avoid alcohol
go to the gym
talk to my SIL
stay offline after work
Most of all, I’m going to avoid blaming myself for struggling with depression. That way lies madness (literally.) 15 months ago
I almost didn’t go home to my parents’ for Thanksgiving, but last Tuesday, I had a long awful weepy phone conversation with them in which we cleared up a lot of things. It’s given me a whole new perspective on our relationship with them. And I had a great holiday with my family.
Biggest headline? They did not know I got raped as a kid. They thought that something happened. But they didn’t know it was that. I grew up thinking they knew, they were ashamed of me, and they never did anything to help me…take me to a doc, a counselor, call the cops, etc. But they didn’t know....And they were pretty horrified to learn…It’s ridiculous I didn’t talk to them about it decades ago, but it was such an ugly thing to discuss, and I didn’t know how to say, Why didn’t you care about me more? ...Anyway, it was an amazing revelation to me…also: he is in jail! The guy who raped me! He’s been in jail a long time! I’m so sorry to know he raped someone else, but so glad he’s been locked away for over a decade.18 months ago
I’ve been dreading Thanksgiving for a few weeks now, because I’m still hurt by my mom telling me on Labor Day that, basically, I was never her favorite kid (I knew, but do we have to talk about it?) I had a fight with my mom on the phone yesterday and hung up on her because she was badmouthing my SIL, whom I love dearly, again.
I’m not doing my best at work, and I feel like a failure as a friend and a wife, even though I’m not so bad really.
I’m calling to make an appointment with my counselor. I need to turn this around, and fast. 18 months ago
in the last couple of weeks. The main reason is that I’ve been so focused on the novel re-write. When I’m at home, I don’t do much of anything else…I don’t clean the house, I don’t exercise. I take breaks by writing posts on tumblr or writing notes or doing research for a future story. Between all this and my work projects I think I’m feeling mental strain.
I’m not having any intrusive self-harm/suicidal thoughts, but I am starting to think really badly of myself, and I’m not sleeping, so those are warning signs.
This week I am:
taking all of my meds again (so, no wine, which is always sad as I love wine, but I can treat myself in other ways)
making an appointment with a psychiatrist, and hopefully finding one I like (I didn’t like how the last one focused so much on my sexual orientation…I am mostly heterosexual, I’ve been happily married to a man for 20 years, there’s not really an interesting story there)
getting some exercise, even if it’s baby steps at first…I am pretty out of shape at the moment
reducing internet time to 1 hour a day
maybe: meditation/visualization; massage
Those things should help, I think. 19 months ago