forgive her

Not a lot of people want to do this obviously! She has harmed me more than anyone. More than I thought someone could. She was wrong in what she did to me and how she did it. But, I need to forgive her so I can more on.

Honestly, I’m not there yet. But, it’s a goal. I know I need to get there.

Saturday night we broke up. Well I broke up, into unrecognizable pieces. She did all the breaking. We were planning to move in together in June. It was the one thought that kept me going when everything else seemed to be going wrong. In the midst of any anguish I thought, “Soon I will have the luxury of coming home to her every day”, and all the anxiety was lifted. It was nice having a best friend, someone in my corner for once. And shit was usually rough, I admit. We both had skeletons, baggage, old wounds that just wouldnt heal. But we had each other. Because in all that madness, there was a mutual connection, some unspoken chemistry, something that neither of us could fight. Until now. Until the chips came crashing down on the table. When commitment was looming over our heads. That’s when the truth of it all was just too ugly. Why were we fighting for this, knowing the chances of forever were so damn slim? The chances of us lasting 2 to 3 more years were bleak. But in all my youth, I wanted to ride it out. And part of her did too. Live that silly, impulsive love like there was no tomorrow. But Im a 21 year old lesbian artist with big dreams and little responsibilities; She, however, is 24 with a 5 year old son. Not to mention some unclear sexuality issues. With this shit nagging at us, and all that past hurt, we would have never made it. And we both knew that. But who can stop the heart from loving? Certainly not me. I damn sure couldn’t stop it from breaking when she said it was over. She couldn’t look at me. Could barely speak. Refused. But I begged for the truth. And the truth was, she couldn’t do it. And all I could hear was that stupid fucking Ani Difranco song in the background of my mind. How goddamn lesbo cliche can it get? But I swear to you, the scene played out almost just like that. So tragic to see me breaking there. I am thankful the Goddess that no one but her saw me in that pathetic, loathesome state. My spirit collapsed as I thought about the prospect of not having her in my life. My best friend, ally against the dark forces of life, artist of words, seeker of nature, lover of children, good soul that she is. I imagined all the nights and mornings that would follow without her. How emo it would all be. How ashamed I would be to feel so lost and desperate without a person. Certainly everyone I know and love would see how I have crumbled. It is scrawled all over my body like bad teenage poetry…
This is my first time writing about this. It only happened Saturday night. So excuse the excessive rambling. These are only words that help me to keep my composure. Writing has become my crutch, so to speak. Perhaps that will do me some good.
Now I have to deal with all the changes that her decision brings. It seems that without someone to sign the new upcoming lease, and being a poor college student, I am without a home in August. Therefore, I have decided that instead of damning myself to a fate worse than death (i.e. moving back home with Mommy and Daddy, I will sell most of my world possessions and move to New York. And its settled. Rather, life settled it for me. But its a decision. And she made it for me, kinda.
But in all of this, I just feel pain. And I don’t expect it to go away soon. I havent forgiven her yet. That will take time. But not nearly as long it will take to forgive myself. For all the fights, the mistakes, the way I acted when it all came crashing down. So childish. So desperate. I was a woman destroyed. And now Im gathering the pieces…
It happens right? Every day. And no doubt it will happen again. Just another face, another name, another poison. And it will still be worth it. Because there were moments I wouldnt have traded for anything. Ever.
I sound so juvenile when I am in the throes of loves. Its really all rather pathetic. But I needed to talk about it. And the only person I want to talk to is the one causing all the pain. So I came where everyone comes. The world wide web. And it helped a little.
So Im setting goals. Writing em down. Gonna keep them. Lets hope for the best. Today is a new day.

it’s gonna take time, but i will.

Sometimes it’s so hard to let things go, especially when she’s hurt you so much. But if you just open your eyes and allow how much she loves you to shine through, you can see through the hurt and let a new friendship blossom, even if it’s not exactly the same as the one before. :)

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

She took him away from me, even though I never really had him. She makes him happy, he makes her happy, they’re both very happy, and I love him, really I do, and I want the best for him.

But it still drives me insane to see them. And I blame her.

I had a dream about her last night.
She told me she despises me because I “jump around between men.” Because I started dating Josh just after leaving Foster.

After waking up, it took me a while to remember it was 5 months between the end of one relationship and the beginning of the next. I really don’t know where that “jumping around” thing came from. Wtf is my subconscious saying?

I’m not sure how to go about this, because I don’t think she did anything wrong.
How do you forgive someone for hating who you are?
I just don’t want to be bitter. I can’t stand myself bitter =[.

i first had to reconnect, then be the friends we once were, then be man enough and mature enough to let go of the grudge. it feels great!

im pretty sure i forgive her.