The girls said they’re going, which is great. I still have to invite C., but he wasn’t home when I called. I left a message with my phone number and I do hope he’ll call me back as soon as possible.

Let’s see.

People that are going:
Link
L.C.
P.
R.
M.

People yet to decide:
S.
C.

I guess there’s room for one more person. I’m inviting Carol.

If S. and C. are unable to go, I’m inviting Dudu and Pedro. I wanted to invite them from the start, but I didn’t know R. was going… Dudu’s condition to hang out is that at least one friend of his is going, so if R. goes, nothing’ll stop him from making it.
I’m not close to Pedro at all, but I do sympathize with him.

It would be great if they could show up too. 16 months ago

Okay, I feel better now.

I called Link and we decided who we should invite together.
I’m calling people on Monday to confirm presence and stuff.

I can’t let R. have such an influence over me, too. It’s time to face it.

I’m still scared, but it’s just one of those things you’ve gotta do.

Even if it all goes wrong.

Wish me luck.

Oh, and I’ll guess that being embarassed about the previous entry is a good thing… 16 months ago

I really can’t remember the last time I actually made an effort to invite people to go somewhere, if there was such a time.
So I thought it’d be a great idea. It’s a huge step out of my comfort zone – it’s frightening, I’m slightly freaked out for not knowing the people I invited all that well and am willing to just cancel everything and stay home, preferentially hiding under my bed.
As I said, perfect.

I called L. C. and asked her to invite her best friend, S.
This friend of mine, P., helped me organize and contact people, which I thought would be great and, at first, was.

But he’s starting to get waaay into it, and is now trying to convince me to invite people he is friends with.
Thing is, they are not my friends. At all. I hang out with ‘em ocasionally, since they’re friends with my guys, but we don’t even talk… not really.
Then why the hell should I invite them?
Also, one of this ‘strangers’ make me really uncomfortable and uneasy. He can be extremely shallow, rude and… self-seeking? He’s seldom nice to me.
In fact, he’s seldom nice to anyone.

I don’t like him.
I don’t even have anything to talk about with him.
He makes me so self-concious and insecure I barely try, to be honest.
His posture is so judgemental and arrogant I wonder how people bear having him around.

I don’t want to invite him, I really don’t. I think it’ll suck if he shows up, ‘cause I’ll get so nervous I’ll start to act weird and won’t be able to mantain a conversation with anyone.

Fuck you, R.
You spoiled brat.
Fuck you for being rude to me when I was the only one not ignoring you. Fuck you for trying to be so superior.
Fuck you.

And it sucks that if I explain this to P., he won’t even listen. He’ll think I’m some sort of unreasonable weirdo and try to convince me I’m wrong.

It also sucks that R. is the group’s “Alpha Male”. If he finds out I didn’t invite him, he’ll get even more detestable.

I’m so angry at P. right now for putting me in this situation I could scream.

I guess I’m calling Link and asking him who else I should invite. Maybe I should invite Carol too, she usually makes me feel better.

Fuck this shit, I’m hiding under my bed this Tuesday all day and you can’t stop me. 16 months ago

I avoid contact because I’m afraid. I “exclude” myself before others can… I need to get out of my fucking comfort zone!
I keep thinking I’m not _cool enough, _pretty enough, _rich enough, my house is not _cool enough. “Knowing” they “won’t accept me”, I don’t even try. Damn!

Okay, it’s going to be tough, it really is. But let’s see.
First I’ll have to:
1. create a fucking facebook.
2. Then, build the corage to talk to others. 17 months ago

Since my friend circle fell apart, I also feel very anxious on social occasions, like I don’t have anything interesting to talk about, or no one there really likes me. I wonder what the fuck happened.
I feel like I don’t have any friends… it’s a “hang-out group”, and that’s all. The one person I’m close to is sort of into me, and that makes me so insecure… It has got me thinking that once he loses his interest, I’ll lose his friendship as well.

Fuck fuck fuck, so much to improve. 17 months ago

I’m starting to get really self-conscious about my looks. I did never stress about my body before – I am not fat and tend to get thinner by Summer vacations – and only recently had the desire to have a better-defined body, nice ass, etc etc.
Sometimes I feel fat, even though I know I am not. I guess it really isn’t hard to solve, I only need to exercise regularly and eat better.

I can’t afford to go to the gym, but perhaps the muay thai classes will make me feel better? I could go for long walks daily…

Also, I HATE the way I look at photographs. It makes me feel so gross… I don’t know how to solve that yet, but I’ll figure it out. I guess once I feel okay about my body, I’ll get over it. 17 months ago