feel beautiful every day

BUT…I was at work tonight (a wedding), and as I was bussing the table by the DJ’s station, he asked me if I’d ever thought about letting my hair down and doing some modeling! I was a little incredulous that he was serious, but he asked me, “You’ve really never been asked to model before? You’ve got the eyes, everything. It’s very exotic.” I have never been paid such a compliment :)

I met a fellow employee today at work, and was talking to him for a little while. During our conversation, he asked me what my ethnicity is. I get this question a lot, and I’m always flattered that people can’t always tell, because it makes me feel like I don’t look typical or like anybody else. I just hope that when people say I have a unique face they mean it in a good way!

somebody said to me that I have sexy lips. Sexy. Me? Well, if that doesn’t make me feel beautiful (at least for a little while), then I don’t know what does.

I have been feeling pretty good about myself with less effort. This is a slight rarity, which is why I’m recording it. I like my job, I love my coworkers and managers, and I come home from work tired but really happy that I get to be with awesome people so often.

But how could I pursue anything if I don’t feel any attraction? I know I could possibly come around, but I don’t open up to people very easily. How would these people – or anyone in general – get to know me, or I them, when I am not a very good conversationalist? These are all rhetorical questions, of course, but still, this is what I think about.

I was talking to my friend just a couple of nights ago, and she mentioned several things. One of them was that I have a unique personality, that I am an “acquired taste.” I won’t dispute that. Part of it, I think, is that I don’t really feel able to relate to my peers. Part of it is the aforementioned fact that I don’t open up easily; I think sometimes I come off as aloof, but the truth is that I don’t always have anything to say, or I feel like I’m not good enough to contribute. Again, here’s where the part about being unable to relate comes in.

This conversation we had really got me thinking. She said I seem to go for older men, and she thinks I go for the unattainable ones because it pretty much ensures that they won’t get a chance to know me. I hate to say it, but I think she’s right. And thinking about it forces me to admit that I am not as confident as I pretend to be. There are times when I feel perfectly capable, and I think there’s no reason someone should think I’m not fun, or nice, or likeable. But I would say that the majority of the time, as far as relationships are concerned, I don’t feel worthy. I would not be completely surprised to find out that someone thinks I am attractive. But if someone told me they were attracted to me, I wouldn’t know how to react. I can’t imagine someone wanting to be with me because I am smart, or funny, or whatever the case may be.

I told my friend that most of the time I feel like I am pretending: when I socialize with my coworkers and I am in the moment, I feel fine and I feel liked. Honest. But when I think about it later, I feel like they are only humoring me, because how could “cool” people like them genuinely like someone like me? I know it sounds very high school, but it’s still what I feel. I feel that because I don’t swear, am quiet, and have no interest in going to a club or getting drunk, it makes me too different to relate to, or that it automatically makes me difficult to like. And I feel that giving them a chance to really get to know me would only make them realize how boring or prudish I am.

I know that this thought process is screwed up. I know I have to truly feel good about myself before others can feel good about me. Believe me, I have definitely improved in the last few years. But I also know I still have more to work on. It seems like most women feel good about their inside and not their outside. Well, I seem to be the other way around. I feel pretty good about the way I look. It’s my personality, or lack thereof, that I am not so sure about.

I think my crush thinks I am an idiot. At least I would if I were him. I feel like a little kid when I’m around him, like I’m trying to please him, and it’s a stupid thing for me to do and feel, because I’m barely even on his radar. The only reason he even acknowledges me is the fact that we are in each other’s presence somewhat regularly and he is polite enough to act appropriately. If it were anywhere else, under any other circumstance, I could just forget about being given a second glance. The initial first one would not even take place. And the worst part of it is that I think a few of the other boys in this setting have a crush on me. I’m flattered, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not really interested in any of them. Meanwhile there’s one boy. Just this one, and I don’t have a chance in the world. Boy, Cupid sure missed the target this time. It’s probably better, though. At least I’m saving they boy I like the disappointment of realizing I am utterly inadequate.

There are two people at work who I suspect are interested in me.

I went on vacation to Las Vegas recently, and met two men who I suspect were interested in me.

Nothing has happened between these guys and me, but I have noticed recently that I seem to be getting more attention. Now, no one has said specifically that they like me, but the attention is not something I’m used to. It’s weird. It’s flattering, don’t get me wrong, but it’s weird. The problem is that the feelings aren’t exactly mutual. And the ones I wish would give me attention aren’t biting.

I feel like there’s a discord between how I look and how I feel. I think I’ve changed a lot in the last few months. I look a lot better than I used to. I feel a lot better than I used to, but at the same time, I still feel very awkward with the whole romance thing. What’s weird about all of this is that I feel like there’s some kind of development in the works – maybe I’m going to be asked out on a date, maybe I’m going to have a boyfriend – I don’t know – but I have no reason for this hunch. Is it just a result of the changes I’ve undergone? Is it a sign that maybe I’m ready to start dating? I don’t know. This is all very new for me. I think what I’m ready for is not all of this dating business, but a real relationship. I want to skip the getting-to-know-you stage and go right to the let’s-stay-in-and-order-Chinese stage, the stage where silence isn’t awkward. But I know that’s hard to come by without dating first.

I don’t know what my point is. I don’t know what kind of feedback I’m asking for, but I am asking for feedback. Maybe a “Don’t worry, GAinCA, you are beautiful/awesome/worthy/(insert your own adjective here).” Or “You are not as crazy/intolerable/neurotic as you think you are.” Or “You are definitely deserving of the man of your dreams, whoever he may be” would be nice.

Please tell me if I am being pathetic. It feels that way sometimes.

I got this message from my friend today:

In the last year or so I have slowly come to see myself in a different light. Now, I am in no way completely self-assured, but I am much more confident than I was in high school and the first few years of college. The fact that my friend (whom, actually, I only met within the last few months) noticed and said something about it means so much to me.

Feeling beautiful is difficult, I have to admit. It’s not an everyday thing, but I will say I’ve come a long way. The biggest challenge right now is the fact that I hate almost everything in my closet and have little money or patience to invest in better clothes. Equally challenging is feeling like these are probably my prime years and I’m letting them go to waste because I have no social skills or whatever it happens to be that attracts good-looking, charming, intelligent young men. I know I’m not a knockout, but I don’t think I’m hideous. How am I supposed to accomplish my goal of spooning with a charming man when there are no prospects in sight? As far as I know, no one is even remotely interested. Story of my life.

I hate that I tie my weight in with feeling beautiful, but I’m still guilty of it. I’ve lost close to 20 pounds since September, without really even having a goal to lose weight. My goal was just to stop overeating, which comes somewhat easily eating dining hall food. So I’m succeeding in not overeating and the weight loss has been a side effect. I’m very nervous that I’ll gain the weight again after I graduate, and what I want is to keep the mindset of working toward good health, because I think keeping that goal will help motivate me to eat right and to be active. Like I said, my goal is to be healthy, not to care about the number on the scale, but it’s very difficult not to be swayed by it.

This all is relevant to feeling beautiful everyday because I went to the store the other day, not even planning to buy anything. I was there to kill time before an appointment, so I tried on clothes just for fun. Guess what? Miracle of miracles. Everything I tried on fit. Everything! Even the shirts I plucked out of the juniors section, and that’s a big deal because I stopped wearing junior tops probably about five years ago at least. This gave me a good boost of confidence, but it’s also not so great because I want to feel beautiful because of who I am and what I do, not because I’m down a pant size.

And also I think to myself, “why can’t I just enjoy this?” Why do I always worry about the good things in my life ending rather than enjoying them while I have them?