find the silver lining

Yesterday, taking them to their appointments, I stopped to buckle him in to the backseat, putting my book (three ring binder full of sensitive paperwork)on top of the car.

And you know what happened next, don’t you?

The last time I did this, it was the exact same circumstances, buckling a person in, book on top of the car. Luckily, it just got run over, and kicked around a bit, but someone picked it up right away, before I even knew I didn’t have it. It was run over multiple times, and had to be replaced, but it was intact.

Yesterday, when it fell off the car, it EXPLODED. 5 lanes of traffic, very windy conditions, vital, vital paperwork blowing down the street. I did get to “stop traffic”, and wouldn’t you know, that thought actually crossed my mind as I humiliated myself on a busy thoroughfare. (hey, I can cross this one off as DONE!)

Two LOVELY people got out of their cars and chased my papers down the street, and I literally couldn’t have done it without them. I’m sure I was quite the fucking spectacle, stepping on papers, trying not to get run over, trying to save my life, which was in that book.

Some people looked sympathetically at me, as they made their way to wherever they were going, others were annoyed or downright pissed off that I was in the road. (Believe me, not the place I wanted to be at all)

I did put my head way, way up, just to appear as if I had a shred of dignity left in my body. The whole incident (oh, God, it was an incident!) lasted for about 10 horrible, humiliating minutes, and the most important papers were salvaged, “This looks like it was important…” “Oh, my God, yes it was, thank you, thank you, bless your heart.”...

The night before, I had danced completely by myself, on a 20 by 40 dance floor ALONE, not another person dancing, and I felt like I was in a movie, a cool drama about a girl and her self-esteem, starring Me.

The very next day, I am in a comedy, a bitter comedy, where the girl is accident prone, and it’s a Series of Unfortunate Events, that would hopefully lead to some Prince Charming shit, but that’s not quite how it went down.

I am able to think multiple thoughts at one time, and one of the best and most helpful was, “This is CHARACTER BUILDING, right here, girlfriend.”

That’s what made me put my head up, and sweep my arms out, to say, “Yeah, that’s right, my paperwork is blowing down the street, and you bastards are running it over, that’s right. Be glad it’s not you!”

I grew a whole lot yesterday. That must be the silver lining.

always makes the light times seem brighter.

My apprehension has left, I’m slowly shedding the heavy emotional baggage that has slowed me and bogged me down this past year.

While my ups and downs are quite severe, they are not as hard. They are severe not through my choice, but the choices of others. Those choices of others led my husband and myself changing directions sometimes twice a day. It felt as if we were chasing our tails sometimes!

Without the darkness of the past year I would not have as good of an understanding of the human nature, nor would I be as confused by human nature. I do not believe that I would know myself and my strength nor my husband and his strength, nor would we know the strength of our marriage… without all that we’ve gone through.

I would not be painting, but I am now and am immensly pleased by it as it brings me happiness that is so intense I cannot begin to desribe it!

Without our experience I would have never known the sheer exhaustion of staying up three nights in a row with a sick child, nor would I have experienced the dread and worry about their future. Nor would I have experienced their laughter, their sense of wonderment and amazement, nor would I have experienced their smiles and acheivements.

I have faith in me moreso now than ever. I have faith in my husband, moreso now than ever. I trust myself and him at a greater level. Through controversy and deep sadness, we’ve found a stronger love, a stronger friendship.

We’ve made it through and the little waves that use to threaten to capsize our boat don’t even rock it. We are that strong.

Yes, I’ve found the silver lining and am thankful.

my husband
my family
my friends
my pets
my paint

Though you need the background of; working two jobs when I moved in, back down to one, “paid for” car broke down, bought another, full coverage, paying out more money to work this job than I’m making, all other expenses the same, got behind on my rent…

I got an eviction notice last night.

The silver lining is that my landlord called me, asked me what I could give him, I told him, and he said, “Look, I don’t want to evict you, but I’m going to give you an eviction so you can take it down to the city and get a voucher.”

(take a deep breath, grl)

I explain to him that I don’t qualify for help, because I make just a few dollars above the income limit, no dependants, etc. He said if they say no, to come back to him, and he will work with me, because I’m a good tenant. He would send his lady down that minute to get what money I did have for him. When she came, she was as nice as could be, and reiterated that he didn’t want to kick me out, I was one of the few who work, or want to work. She complimented me on the state of my apartment, and made me feel like it was going to be o.k.

It is going to be o.k. I haven’t done my taxes yet, and I have a few antiques if push came to shove. I definitely see another, better job in my immediate future. :)

that even though I bounced a check to make my car payment, I will be able to reconcile in two days, and there’s no way they will repo it.

The silver lining is that even though I have “no food”, I have tons of food, and I’m grateful to have it.

The silver lining is that even though I get lonely occasionally, 1) I can entertain myself, and I’m fabulous company and 2) I have been met the most interesting people lately, with character and chutzpah, intelligence and a unique quality that sets them apart, leaving me blessed for knowing them.

The silver lining is so clear, it comes through by itself, with no need to look for it.