keep track of my "epiphanies"

I realized tonight that drugs are just a means of altering reality. Changing how you feel, how you percieve a situation. It’s escapism, even if it’s on a minor scale. I mean I’ve known it’s escapism for awhile but I never saw anything particularily wrong with that. One would only want escapism if they didn’t like their reality. The time that I could spend on drugs could be better spend fixing my reality to give me the feelings I would get through drugs.

At the happiest moments in people’s lives (I think a wedding is the classic example) people’s brainwaves mirror a coke user. So why not ditch the coke and seek out those experiences on your own?

all the things that are a part of me that i’m not indulging in because im an idiot.

_{being creative, making pictures, cutting and pasting, colouring!}

GLAM ROCK

_{nature and hiking}

going to see shows

_{caberet and burlesque – brectian berlin}

mod, mod club, modding, the 60s

~ europe
~ things! its too hard to explain. i am on it though!

i am tired of being a character in other people’s story. i have felt this almost all my life. i am going to start doing things for myself and do what i’m interested in. doing things for other peoples lives all the time will not get me anywhere. not to grad school. not to france. not back in time. not to happiness. not to home. time to be me erika. time to take that janis joplin quote, apply it, and take your own advice erika!

its a lonely road but you already knew that kid.

major ephiphany less than aminute ago in the kitchen while i was cutting apple apple.

there are certain things that i like. certain sub cultures i am very interested in. but i dont get into them because i think i am too bland or not talented enough. as a result i settle. i am motivated enough to try hard in school and work hard at ajob, but i am not motivated enough to try the things that really interest me. if i really wanted to, i would learn french, so one day i could live in france. i f i REALLY wanted to, i could keep up with my german so that i could one day go to germany. wheni mean one day i dont mean 20 years form now. i mean soon enough. i have a guitar sitting in my room yet i dont play it because i dont have the guitar. for the past 2 weeks i have been so caught up in school work, i haven’t been keeping up with my goals.

the point is, i have so many opportunities to do and try new things and do stuff i really love and go places i actually like. but i dont. im the one making myself boring, this must change. i need to go back to the old erika plus some new added in erika spices. ch chchcchanges for real.

i love school and have always loved school. i have always said that if i could be in school forever, i probably would be.

this all changed… YESTERDAY.

while getting ready to go to the museum for my first volunteer day, i thought to myself suddenly, “i am tired of being in school. i want a job. i want to work. now”

strange….but true? maybe this girl will take time off before going to grad school….

i had another “we’re all in it together” ephiphanies last night. but i think its because i had been drinking. and the band was great. i love to see people smiling and being happy.

i think that after all these years of saying “it doesn’t matter if i have any money or not, as long as i’m happy!!!” i’ve finally realized something about myself.

financial security is very important to me.
for the following reasons:
i can travel, if i save up.
if i ever get in a really really sticky situation, i will be ok.
if i ever have kids i can provide them with good opportunities.

do i want to be a millionaire? or be rich? not really, because then i’d just feel guilty.plus i wouldn’t know what to do with all that money. do i want to have tons of really fancy stuff or a big house or flashy cars? no no no. would i marry for money? absolutely not. would i sacrifice my happiness or freedom for a large amount of cash? never.

HOWEVER, maybe i have changed or maybe its just part of growing up, but i want a stable financial situation. whats the point of saying “who cares about school or working when i should be LIVING, travelling across europe,etc” when you need money to do these things? it is an unfortunate part of life. i would rather work hard now in school so i can secure myself a job that can provide a decent lifestyle (just basic) but that allows me to not have to worry about living day by day.

i dont know where this came from. i was just thinking about it today at school, in the library.

i think its part of my “erika needs to be taken care of now” phase. who knows. but i think its true.

“we all only die once, and if you’re a Kurd, death is near every day”- national geographic January 2006

we all die. and only once.

what are we all so afraid of then. there is an end to all of this, which is just temporary. things will always be ok. we should be grateful for what we have, because there are no second chances to live. for most of us anyway.

we all die so we should all live while we can.

Epiphany-

A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: “I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself” (Frank Maier).

i have a lot of these. hahaha. some important, some maybe not so important. i think keeping track will help me realize things about myself that i may not have known, or had forgotten.