because even though it is an ongoing process, there is a lot about the unknown future that God has really helped me leave in His hands topic by topic. That alone is really quite amazing. Sure, health is probably still one main area I am not completely knowing how to trust Him about, but maybe I just have to pray and trust He IS slowly working me through the layers of knowing how to trust about that.
I think a re-goal of this would be something like…. Know He is with me in my day today. or Know He can change my today when He has me ready for it. or something like that. Because as I stared at my ceiling (how I love being confined to bed. lol) listening to uplifting new music, He really met with me as they say. Just sent me different thoughts of encouragement and understanding I was so totally not seeing before. Spoke them into my heart. :) Just about how though I left so much behind, it was God Who gave it to me in the first place out of nowhere. So He can completely do that again when the time is right. And the incredible thing is that I’m not as afraid to trust Him with that as I used to be. I prayed that I wouldn’t fight Him on a certain difficult situation (ie why not be open and honest since I still do want to be real more and more… it involves one of my greatest sources of verbal/emotional abuse), and I realized that I didn’t have to fight God. and this is what made me cry at realizing what I used to think…. I didn’t have to fight God because I don’t have to protect myself from Him. :*O
shocking thought to me at least. I never realized that’s how I felt. Do I always fight people/things I feel I have to protect myself from? Is that my defensive mechanism, and why did I not see something so clear and simple all these years? Was it that ingrained?
But even though there is still a lot I don’t have figured out, I do know my view of God has changed. I know Him better now to understand He’s not the kind of person who is dangerous or unsafe for me to have around. He’s not going to haul off and attack me – He won’t provoke me (He’s not sitting there poking me with a stick to see how I squirm and react). He won’t do anything vicious either like give me something wonderful with entire purpose of sadistically taking it away to delight in my loss, confusion, and pain…. but most of all…. His love is real. I still don’t understand a lot of why He allows pain and even sends it sometimes to do His work in us. But I don’t think I doubt the love I do know from Him. I know it’s real, sure, strong, and true. I know it holds, really holds, and doesn’t give way under all the tears of a lifetime…. I know, because in this last year of so much sorrow and loss, He showed me slowly and formed that understanding in me. When I know His love, it holds. It’s just finding it that is not always easy for me. It’s hard to see when the pain of life is really really enormous.
But anyway, I’m glad it’s safe when I do find it. I….think (pause) that it is enough when I do find it….? wow if that’s true. I’ve been searching for a long time to find God to be more than enough in life. am I slowly, finally? 15 months ago