because even though it is an ongoing process, there is a lot about the unknown future that God has really helped me leave in His hands topic by topic. That alone is really quite amazing. Sure, health is probably still one main area I am not completely knowing how to trust Him about, but maybe I just have to pray and trust He IS slowly working me through the layers of knowing how to trust about that.

I think a re-goal of this would be something like…. Know He is with me in my day today. or Know He can change my today when He has me ready for it. or something like that. Because as I stared at my ceiling (how I love being confined to bed. lol) listening to uplifting new music, He really met with me as they say. Just sent me different thoughts of encouragement and understanding I was so totally not seeing before. Spoke them into my heart. :) Just about how though I left so much behind, it was God Who gave it to me in the first place out of nowhere. So He can completely do that again when the time is right. And the incredible thing is that I’m not as afraid to trust Him with that as I used to be. I prayed that I wouldn’t fight Him on a certain difficult situation (ie why not be open and honest since I still do want to be real more and more… it involves one of my greatest sources of verbal/emotional abuse), and I realized that I didn’t have to fight God. and this is what made me cry at realizing what I used to think…. I didn’t have to fight God because I don’t have to protect myself from Him. :*O

shocking thought to me at least. I never realized that’s how I felt. Do I always fight people/things I feel I have to protect myself from? Is that my defensive mechanism, and why did I not see something so clear and simple all these years? Was it that ingrained?

But even though there is still a lot I don’t have figured out, I do know my view of God has changed. I know Him better now to understand He’s not the kind of person who is dangerous or unsafe for me to have around. He’s not going to haul off and attack me – He won’t provoke me (He’s not sitting there poking me with a stick to see how I squirm and react). He won’t do anything vicious either like give me something wonderful with entire purpose of sadistically taking it away to delight in my loss, confusion, and pain…. but most of all…. His love is real. I still don’t understand a lot of why He allows pain and even sends it sometimes to do His work in us. But I don’t think I doubt the love I do know from Him. I know it’s real, sure, strong, and true. I know it holds, really holds, and doesn’t give way under all the tears of a lifetime…. I know, because in this last year of so much sorrow and loss, He showed me slowly and formed that understanding in me. When I know His love, it holds. It’s just finding it that is not always easy for me. It’s hard to see when the pain of life is really really enormous.

But anyway, I’m glad it’s safe when I do find it. _{I….think (pause) that it is enough when I do find it….?} wow if that’s true. I’ve been searching for a long time to find God to be more than enough in life. am I slowly, finally? 15 months ago

so much. so very much. Today my heart is hurting a small sad bit because someone I think was just becoming a friend is most likely leaving. And this was one step toward crossing off another goal I have. I can’t keep things in perspective right now since I’m not feeling fabulous as well. But you know? I don’t regret the choices I made. They weren’t perfect, they were difficult at times. Even the decision to let go and stop trying so hard. And then the decision to reach back out again later on after awhile. Those were all incredibly huge steps for me. And what I keep coming back to (but not dwelling on enough) is that it’s all God. He brought this opportunity to trust in Him. He knew who He could use, and He knows whether or not I’ll ever get to honestly count this person as a friend before they leave. And He knows that underneath all the whirling thoughts and desires in my head and heart, the bottom one is I want to trust Him in this because I truly believe He wants the best for me in this.

So even though there is some sorrow because of this and another situation coupled with health being not so wonderful…. well, still. I am glad for the strength I’ve gained in being who I wanted so badly to be, and headed where I so badly wanted to go. To freedom. I’m on the path! (and it’s scary. but it’s where I want to be because of where it leads!!) Someday maybe I won’t have to say goodbye to so many people who help me find that freedom I crave. Maybe someday when the timing is right for everyone concerned, they will come into my life, and stay in my life.

Until then? I know One person who is here and isn’t going anywhere…ever. :) And if Jesus can work as many miracles in the midst of my pain as He has this last year, then even though there will most likely be more pain I will hate in the future…. He will be there, making me stronger, working things out, leading me towards freedom, and always there to hold me while I doubt and thrash about in fear. He will never leave me nor forsake me, and someday He will be all I need because I will know Him well enough to trust Him to fill me all the way up. :)

“so hold me, my Jesus, when I’m shaking like a leaf….”
~ cf 18 months ago

I’m sorry, and I’m not even sure why. It’s been so unbelievably tiring lately, and You’ve gotten me through each day. Incredible. I don’t know why some bad days You don’t seem to ease my burdens, and then other bad days You do. They are both rough, but You get me through those ones without hitting a crisis stage. And I know I came back, something upset me, and I lost for awhile. All the tension and relief just gained was lost for a bit. And now it’s less than it was. :( But, still? I’m alive. I made it. God You got me through today. And I can go to bed early if I decide. And I can stay in bed all day tomorrow. Well some of it anyway.

Surely it’s got to get better, Lord? Because You’ve already been making it better month by month? Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. I need both as You know.

Please, Lord. Please, my LORD. Jesus, lead me out. Don’t quit? Just because I do sometimes? As long as I know You are leading me out day by day in such a way that I won’t be going back. As long as I know it’s You who are leading me out and not my own self-will, then I know those who the Son sets free are free indeed. I will be freed indeed from each of the things YOU work me out from. And one day at a time, one step at a time…. there will be still waters and green pastures. Still waters to quiet me and heal…. and green pastures to nourish me and play in.

You know the crazy thing in all this? I’m having to trust that I’m pleasing God even though I can’t feel like I am. I just have to do what He says in His Word and trust that He is pleased. At this rate, if I make it to old age, I will be a pro at trusting. :) lol And I will be able to say like David that I was young and then old and have never seen the righteous forsaken or his seed begging bread. As in never seeing God’s children truly not having what they need or being provided for. (I think I have the right verse. tired. but think so.) Part of that is probably finding out we don’t need as much as we thought. Maybe it’s that as long as you at least have God and can freely know He loves you and you love Him, and have that friendship and relationship with Him, then that’s enough even in the toughest situations. anyway…. it’s almost like God is writing the Bible in my life. I believe we have God’s full revelation in the Bible and don’t need more new revelation today. What I mean is that He is writing the Bible into my life I guess and into me.

time to rest. brain is slowing down, but anyway….. thank You, so much Father for being there today in my life. For each encouragement, each answer to prayer, each burden eased, and each way You loved me. For being my Refuge and Hiding Place.

Love,
and yawns,
Your child, :)
~ cf 19 months ago

I need to leave me in His hands too….. safe and secure no matter what crazy things happen in the tomorrow.

I’m grateful to God for taking a little song I hadn’t heard in awhile and plopping it gently into my week. It’s been there in the background in many ways, and it’s what I hope to finish this week singing as well.

_{because while I’m still fearful to trust fully at times, it’s almost like He is the one singing those words to me. not me singing them to Him. He wants me to know He will be my strength and refuge.}19 months ago

so instead I’m going back to bed and hoping my spirits will change and help me be willing to trust God about an upcoming visit with another specialist. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but some days everything feels like a super big possibly life-altering deal.

so. the plan? To sleep right up until the appointment and get as much rest as I can so I can handle what happens.

I’m such a chicken. and would feel like that if I didn’t feel like a run-over chicken half the time.

but this too shall pass, no? :)
just needed to put it out there somewhere I guess,
`cf 20 months ago

Today was not a loss. Sure in some ways it can be, but I just am so thankful for getting to talk with someone about it all even briefly. And then opening up and talking with two more people I know more as acquaintances. It helped so much to get the emotional side of it out ahead of time. So while it all didn’t go the way I expected or thought, it was like all three people said…. just trust God and let Him do what He is doing. You know Who He is. You know He loves you. Put your life, your day, and your future in His hands and be still. Let GOD move…. because He is moving already.

Someone else said to think of all the people who’ve left recently as seed-planters. That God knew I needed them for this time in my life and that’s why He brought them here. When I see it that way, I see it more as me stopping mid-tear and thinking huh, then what is God going to bring next, or who is He already moving into my life for this next phase of my breaking free from everything that’s trapped me for so long.

And in some small way it’s not as hard to let go. I guess I see that I’m not being let go of. People may all leave, but I’m NOT left behind. In some ways it’s almost because my life is actually moving forward and to the next phase.

Some may judge me as simply finding a more creative way to cope with loss, but I don’t think so. There’s power in this. And I believe truth… which means the other way I was looking at it was a lie. and we all know what Truth does! It sets you free. :)

and? I have to say that my so very kind God also gave me just a glimpse of something else beautiful and true today to help open my eyes to what I was doubtful of – that He IS moving my life forward. It’s hard to trust in goodness and hope for more when you know so well what pain and horror feel like to the depth of your soul. But I didn’t say I had it all figured out yet. :) I’m still learning, and that’s something I don’t know yet how to divide accurately in my mind and understand. He knows. I don’t have to be perfect. I’m not rejected when I’m not. not by Him. because He sees me through Love. Through Christ. :)

Help me take one day at a time, Lord. Help me take one moment as it comes and block out all the rest. All the thoughts of tomorrow and tomorrow’s tomorrow. Help me to leave them in Your hands, because when I do…. I find I leave myself there as well. and I so love being there… a place of true rest. :)

with love,
~ cf 20 months ago