toughen up

i want to be tougher, thicker skinned, less sensitive. just because i know i’m way too sensitive. but i don’t want to lose my heart, my soul, my kindness, either.

i have to learn where the line is- when is something ridiculous, and when is it actually over the line, and worthy of a fit?

Getting there. I know that the things my sister said were only ended to get me worked up and I allowed her to succeed. But in that instance she has to be made aware that words like ‘cunt’ and ‘faggot’ are as low as you can get and to be thrown around lightly with not good reasoning is really dangerous and asking for trouble.

I think things escalated since my entry a month ago, in my head I became paranoid that Henar and Franscesca are out to get me. And now Ronan keeps saying “You always think everything is about you! Your paranoid! You keep overanalysing”. It’s what people tell me and tell me and tell me and tell me. When and how can I stop? Counselling (done it), Talking to friends (done it), Writing a diary (done it). I guess the best thing is to not think about it at all, not waste my energy getting upset. If I can identify this has happened many times before ( i. Arafat; ii. Jita, iii. Ned, iiii. yasmin, etc. etc. etc.) why can’t I get over it ? If they are laughing at you, so what? It might just be in jest. Remember how upset jita would get when everyone laughed at her and now you are in the same position. Laugh with them to remove any power they have over you. Also RE: Henar, she’s a twat, what more can be said, she’s in love with her boyfr…[end]

judging by their greeting today i realise all that bullshit was in my head. so i’m letting it go.

Okay,today I was getting pissed off about henar and fransesca laughing at me, and not with me. In the end, I’ve decided that it is probably in jest, but still I don’t like it. So instead of talking to them, which would be kind-of-pointless with view of past experience. I don’t want the kind of friendships where I am an object of amusement. So the best thing would be to move forward and see this friendshop opening as a good thing that can be exploited and thats exactly what I intend to do next year.

I’ve been doing this by reading the book entitled ‘feeling good’. It’s tought me how to feel less guilty over things and conrolling my anger not to mention the approval addiction. Need to get a copy for my book shelf!

Well, I got a tattoo, but I still don’t think I’ve toughened up enough. I’m still a wuss, just less so than before. Bit by bit, I’m getting there.

I’ve decided that I don’t want to toughen up. I’m good like I am, and dealing with pain is just part of life.

I mainly want to do this so I can get a tattoo. It’d also be nice not pass out at the sight of neddles.