re-gain my self-confidence

I just realized the other day that even though I’m trying to be more outwardly positive in general, I’ve maintained the same level of self criticism. That voice in my head is incredibly abusive, and I don’t know why. It sounds corny, but I’ve started to think of it as another person altogether, and in turn I’ve been much better able to just tell her to shut up. Every time I start to think a negative thought about myself, I catch it and say, “Oh wait, it’s just her again, knock it off!”

As a result, I’ve been much happier the past few days. Instead of the usual nasty argumentative inner dialogue, I’ve been saying kind things to myself. And I realize that it makes me feel much more positive toward people in general. Maybe thinking such nasty things about myself has made me feel the need to put everyone else down too, in an effort to boost my self esteem. Or maybe I just convinced myself that other people were thinking bad things about me and it made me be less kind in turn.

So I’ve been feeling really good about myself, and trying to develop more of a can-do attitude. I also wrote this letter to the other me:

Dear Little Invisible Jerk Who Sits on My Shoulder,

You are such a jerk. You sit there all day and whisper such terrible things into my ear. What do you gain by telling me that I’m a loser and I’ll never amount to anything? Where do you come up with all this stuff about me wasting my life? You don’t know anything. And I am so NOT fat, so stop telling me that I am. Don’t you know that it’s you that’s ruining my life? It’s so hard to do anything good and productive with my time when I have you yelling at me constantly.

And where the hell is that other guy who’s supposed to be sitting on my other shoulder? Did he hand in his resignation or something? He must have just gotten sick of competing for attention with a loudmouth like you. I think I’m going to hire him back at an increased salary. I never realized what a valuable employee he was.

In any event, you need to shut your nasty mouth and stop talking trash on me. Most of your statements are entirely unfounded and if lawyers weren’t so expensive I’d sue you for slander.

The bottom line is, you’ve stood in my way long enough with all your naysaying, and I’m officially knocking you off my shoulder. I don’t know where you came from or when you got so loud, but enough is enough, and you’re gone.

Sincerely,
That girl whose head you sit next to

I feel like a failure in so many aspects of my life. Intellectually I know that I am doing fine, but I feel stuck in my job—which I love and hate by turns—and I want to do something to be of service but can’t quite figure out what.

Visiting family on vacation was wonderful. They are great for my self-esteem. We’re a loving bunch. I wish I didn’t live 2000 miles away, but I don’t really want to live there again.

I find myself feeling desperately sad. I used to be the Pollyanna in every group. What happened?

Here are the things I see as eroders of my self-esteem:

1) 40 pounds overweight (there, I said it out loud)
2) Increasing isolation from friends (so many have drifted out of my weekly life, and my dearest local friend is moving to the opposite coast this month)
3) Isolation from my supportive family (although I do call them often)
4) Lack of recent publications of writing or photography
5) Work situation less than stable
6) Not particularly flattering hair cut.
7) Middle age in general
8) Lack of a current writing project that I really believe in…lack of ability to muster faith in myself as a writer due to continued indifference from publishers
9) Sudden onset of uncharacteristic sense that I have wasted my life. Never wanted kids, but I see people getting so much good out of their relationships, and I am sad to be on the periphery of all that all of a sudden.
10) Lack of involvement in my community

Okay, so I guess that gives me an idea of what to work on. I have started (another) fitness/weight loss program and am trying to feel optimistic about it. Gonna go work on my writing…No matter how little it seems to matter, at least I can say I’ve written.

In the past few years, my self confidence has taken a nose-dive. I’m not really sure what the problem is. It’s basically rooted in my upbringing, and my relationships have never helped much. It feels like it’s coming to a head now, and I’m starting to feel like as though I’m on the verge of becoming a recluse because of it. I’ve always attributed a lot of it to my weight, although you’d laugh if you saw me, because even I know that I’m not very overweight at all – as of today I have 12 pounds to lose, so I’m by no means obese. I’m just not comfortable in my own skin anymore, although I’m not sure I ever was. I’ve become convinced that no one likes me, that I’m awkward with people and that I’m not good at anything, and I think that serves as a self-fulfiliing prophesy.

I’m not quite sure how to turn these feelings around. Trying new things is probably a good idea. I’ve become entrenched in my comfort zone in every aspect of my life, and I can’t seem to push myself to do anything outside of it. I feel so afraid and certain of failure that I don’t do anything. I’m always amazed by people around me who are so confident, they think they can do everything, and I wind up being jealous and spiteful. I wasn’t really brought up to push myself, my family has always been devoted to the status quo of what’s an acceptable way to live your life, and in a way my family has always been very critical of people who do unusual things, so it’s sort of ingrained in me to be afraid of that, because I know I’ll be ostracized.

I’ve also been considering therapy, although that in itself is intimidating. I think I need to find something somewhat small that I’m intimidated by, and force myself to do it. Working through some of these 43 things probably wouldn’t be a bad idea either. They all stare me in the face taunting me, and I think deep down I sincerely feel that I’m incapable of doing most of them.

Going to the gym is having this wide impact on my life that I could never have imagined. I am actually going out in public in sleeveless tops.

I’m really not that bad, but even when I was at my best, I didn’t go sleeveless. Thanks to some stupid comment Grace Slick made on a talk show when I was in high school. Der.

No one’s cringing or fainting. I haven’t lost (or gained) any friends. ;)

I think my dip in self confidence has a lot of different factors, one of which is that I’ve been very tired for a long time. Now I’m showing some other symptoms that may mean I have a thyroid issue…given my family history, apparently there’s an 80% chance that this is the case.

On the one hand, I don’t really want to have a condition that has to be treated for the rest of my life. On the other hand, it would explain the falling asleep in the chair, never feeling rested, weight creeping up, cracking nails, etc. and it would be great to have a treatment to help.

I went ahead and started addressing the problems by watching what I’m eating, joining a gym, getting a personal trainer, etc. I couldn’t get in to see my doctor until May 30th and I’m not just accepting that.

I’m having a fasting blood test today and we’ve scheduled a telephone consultation based on that for Wednesday. If the tests aren’t conclusive I’m going to request a consult with an endocrinologist because sometimes this stuff isn’t as obvious as they’d like. (I just read an article in Body+Soul, oddly enough, which pointed this out.)

If this isn’t the issue, then I have to look at my life and see what I can do differently. Even my friends have noticed that I am not “Happy Sally” as much as I used to be. I used to be almost irritatingly upbeat, I think.

I found that teaching this 8 week writing class has helped rebuild my self-confidence. I’ve tried something utterly new and challenging and I am doing all right at it. I think I could be really good at it if I kept it up. The timing isn’t great at this place…leaving work early is very stressful, as sometimes it’s hard just to leave work on time.

But when the kids acted up yesterday, I knew it was not all my fault for not doing right by them, and that felt good.

And today I went to the gym for the first time in 9 years. It was great to see all body types, fitness levels and styles of dress there. It’s easy for me to pre-intimidate myself thinking everyone’s going to be BETTER than me in 5 ways each.

When I told a coworker about these fears last week, she said, “But everyone’s there for the same reason; don’t worry about it.”

She was right. I felt pretty good for someone who’s been going it on her own. I had a good workout and left feeling energized. I may have actually grinned like a dope half the time I was there.

I need to feel like it all makes sense to continue. The ups and downs are following close upon each other’s heels right now. As the strike ends, I am assessing how much work I got done. I showed up every day, but I didn’t produce many pages. Sigh.

On a more general note, I had my hair cut into a nice style right (it’s been “growing out” for a long time) before I went to the Hedgebrook alumnae gathering, and that was a REALLY good move. Also dressed a little better than I thought I had to, and was glad.

Although my writer friends keep suggesting counseling I’m not sure how I’m supposed to afford that, and I have had bad experiences the other few times I’ve attempted to get counseling.

Wanted to post an entry so that people can make suggestions if so moved.

It came with my first professional experience!! It’s great to have a job! I should re-consider my academic ambitions!